Submitted by courtnee on Wed, 05/07/2008 - 09:12.
Right now, we're going through the visioning portion of the curriculum at Brian Utting, which has us all thinking about what our life mission is and how a massage career (not to mention the process of massage school) fits into what we'd like to do in the world and who we are.
I've created a set of Johari and Nohari windows for myself today. I would very much appreciate the input of my friends and associates in filling them out. It's essentially an interactive personality profile to assist in uncovering holes in your perception of self vs. how you come across to the people around you.
Some may recall that I did this many years ago, when I was struggling with what in the world to do with myself and my life. I got a lot of useful feedback. I am interested in comparing what has changed since then, and what hasn't. I feel quite different, quite evolved, from the person I was when I last asked myself and my friends what most applied to me as a person.
I love this kind of stuff, and I encourage those who choose to participate to be completely honest, even with the Nohari, which is considered the 'negative' one of the two. Your opinion is invaluable, even if you only know me online or not very well. Thank you for considering taking the time and thought into participating. I'm happy to return the effort for anyone who wants to make profiles for themselves, also. It's simple, and free.
http://kevan.org/johari?name=neevita
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=neevita
I'm open to sharing the old windows, for anyone who's interested in seeing them, after filling out the 'new' one. Just ping me for the urls. Namaste.
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Submitted by courtnee on Mon, 04/28/2008 - 10:26.
Man. I am beat. And sore. And super happy. Or something like it.
The art-a-thon was largely transformative (or, transportive?) for me, in many ways. It was an intense weekend. More happened than I am willing to document, both for the sake of my poor body and because I want to hold some of it just for me. But let's see what comes out shall we.
The aerial piece I wasn't going to do, and then decided to do, was a storytelling piece which in and of itself is a new thing for me. Incorporating acting and a storyline that's clear enough for people to understand without alternate explanation is my latest progression in aerials, as well as slowing things down and expressing myself in less of the "look how strong and fast I am". Expressing vulnerability in the air. I started by switching from rope to silks and doing "The Art of Self Love" act, in which the story is illustrated in the song lyrics.
This time, the story was illustrated by my actions, my face, and visual imagery. It was largely improv, a piece I'd only ever done in my head, which had come to me mid last week. Highly personal. Highly exposed. To those of you who may understand what it means to have finally done it - it was performed to music from the Batman Begins soundtrack (finally!!!). It was incredible, I got the most heart warming and appreciative feedback to date for my aerial work after presenting it. I will be doing the piece again at the Gold Show, on Saturday May 17th.
I painted some, sang some, spent time with friends, cultivating, supporting others works. I slept and took care of myself, spent a lot of time with Clayton that was beneficial and fueling for me, connected with new and old, past and present. I "acted" in a hilarious, incredibly fun dream theater play about superheros and ninjas and girls who kick ass. I came to some heavy, wonderful realizations this weekend, which were fulfilling, nourishing, and highly meaningful for me.
After an intense and highly emotional conversation of the crack-my-heart-wide-open variety, I went to into the closing ceremony raw, feeling unprotected, impressionable, mailable, and a little afraid.
I've been feeling the presence of something, seeing it in my peripheral vision, something big, something I've worked hard for, as I've gone through the process of my blood paintings. The revisitation of needles, that process, which I have familiarity with in destructive senses, the spiral I see completing, the orbit I'm in, passing those experiences, washing them clean a little, redistributing new memories and associations to old hurts and self loathing.
I thought about that internal spiral while we walked a spiral maze that had been created on the floor during the weekend, in small groups. I thought about that sense of my life illustrated in physical reality, as I bumped shoulders with my chosen family, as I passed them while circling. Remembering that the last time I was using needles on myself, I was trying to die. Trying to run. Trying to lose my mind. I wasn't safe about it. I overdosed. I used dirty needles, took risks. I wanted to hurt me. And now, I was surrounded by people I've cultivated in my life, to help me through that darkness. And they have.
To be drawing my own blood, safely (in perspective), sanitary, for the purpose of life, to express life, has been so grounding, confirming, strengthening for me. The bruises from it, while catering to my dark side, a part of me that recognizes the comfort I've taken in hurting myself, wanting to extract my pigment rather than wait for it to come naturally in my cycle (there are other reasons I don't want to use menstrual blood, too) show me again and again that everything is a process, with polarizations, how much I adore soaking in all of it. All the aspects of it. How miraculous and intelligent our bodies are to heal themselves. And that we do heal. That damage is part of being alive, a part I don't tend to hide from. That it doesn't overtake my life. Not anymore.
Holding hands in a circle, a dear friend of the troupe and of mine personally gifted the studio with a giant dream catcher. She then offered us all feathers, which she had been collecting for the last 10 years, to attach to it to this new symbol of unity that will hang at the studio, and to offer something, or wish for something, or give thanks for something, in honor of ourselves while doing so.
I started crying. I couldn't stop. I was holding something in view that I've rarely known how to hold where I could see it. It was glowing and morphing and brilliant. My gratitude for the space, for the people, for the experiences I had this weekend, for the love, for the gifts, the creativity, everywhere I've been, everywhere I am going - it was all wrapped up in this thing I was looking at. It was so beautiful to have, while I watched these people I share so much with participate in their rituals.
When it was my turn, as I tied my feather to the dreamcatcher, I cried harder, while what I had in my hands came into focus, in words, in my head.
I am so grateful, for my life. I am so grateful for my life. (I'm crying again writing this). I am so grateful for my life.
I felt liberated, and so substantial. Dense, and lofty. Dark, and light. Attached, and free. Flexible and sturdy. Vulnerable and strong. Overwhelmed, and grounded. I watched a great love of my life chose a place next to mine to tie his feather, mirroring its angle, silently holding his thoughts and wants dear to himself. I watched my sweet friend Cher give call to the universe to bring her sister back home. I watched one of my Hero's break apart a broken painting of his muse, and give a piece to each one of us. I watched my friend Gio honor his friends who have died of AIDS, a disease I've become intimately familiar with in the process of my education at school.
I watched so many wonderful people being present, being alive, being HERE, being them.
So much happened. So much I'm not mentioning. So many stories, paintings, pictures, songs, proses, dedications. So much space I'm holding for the world in this sore, tired frame, while I go about my dailys, integrating what I've experienced. Things that are happening for me, projects on the horizon that came about from this weekend and beyond, things to see, to do, to be, life to live. This was a fraction. Namaste. I bow to the light in all of you.
I am, arguably, on paper, in the worst financial situation of my adult life, right now. Rarely can I say I've felt so wealthy.
"I feel like a pearl of potential that's finally been set in motion, snowballing down the favored slope of possibility I've only imagined the brilliant people must have randomly stumbled upon while slowly backing away from freaks like me." Jan 28, 2007
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Submitted by courtnee on Tue, 04/08/2008 - 10:31.
Scorpios are the most intense, profound, powerful characters in the zodiac. Even when they appear self-controlled and calm there is a seething intensity of emotional energy under the placid exterior. They are like the volcano not far under the surface of a calm sea, it may burst into eruption at any moment.
But those of us who are particularly perceptive will be aware of the harnessed aggression, the immense forcefulness, magnetic intensity, and often strangely hypnotic personality under the tranquil, but watchful composure of Scorpio. In conventional social gatherings they are pleasant to be with, thoughtful in conversation, dignified, and reserved, yet affable and courteous; they sometimes possess penetrating eyes which make their shyer companions feel naked and defenseless before them.
In their everyday behavior they give the appearance of being withdrawn from the center of activity, yet those who know them will recognize the watchfulness that is part of their character. They need great self-discipline, because they are able to recognize the qualities in themselves that make them different from other humans, and to know their utterly conventional natures can be used for great good, or great evil.
Their tenacity and willpower are immense, their depth of character and passionate conviction overwhelming, yet they are deeply sensitive and easily moved by their emotions. Their sensitivity, together with a propensity for extreme likes and dislikes make them easily hurt, quick to detect insult or injury to themselves (often when none is intended) and easily aroused to ferocious anger. This may express itself in such destructive speech or action that they make lifelong enemies by their outspokenness, for they find it difficult not to be overly critical of anything or anyone to whom they take a dislike.
They can harness their abundant energy constructively, tempering their self-confidence with shrewdness and their ambition with magnanimity toward others provided they like them. They relate to fellow workers only as leaders and can be blunt to those they dislike to the point of cruelty. In fact they are not above expressing vindictiveness in deliberate cruelty. They are too demanding, too unforgiving of faults in others, and extravagantly express their self-disgust in unreasonable resentment against their fellows.
They do, however, make excellent friends, provided that their companions do nothing to impugn the honor of which Scorpios are very jealous. Part of the negative side of the Scorpio nature is a tendency to discard friends once they cease to be useful, but the decent native is aware of, and fights this tendency.
They are fortunate in that their strong reasoning powers are tempered with imagination and intuition, and these gifts, together with critical perception and analytical capacity, can enable the Scorpions to penetrate to profundities beyond the average. They have a better chance of becoming geniuses than the natives of any other sign. But charismatic "twice-born" characters such as they can sink into the extremes of depravity if they take the wrong path, and the intensity of their nature exaggerates their harmful tendencies into vices far greater than the normal.
Rebelliousness against all conventions, political extremism to the point where hatred of the Establishment makes them utterly unscrupulous terrorists. Brooding resentment, aggressive and sadistic brutality, total arrogance, morbid jealousy, extreme volatility of temperament, these are some of their vices. At the other extreme is the procrastinator, the man or woman who is capable of so much that they do nothing and become indolent and self-indulgent, requiring extravagant praise and flattery from those whom they make their cronies.
Being so gifted, they can find fulfillment in many employments. Their inner intensity can result in the ice-cold self-control and detachment of the surgeon, the concentration of the research scientist, and the heroism of the soldier. Any profession in which analysis, investigation, research, dealing with practicalities, and the solving of mysteries are relevant, can appeal to them. So police and detective work, espionage and counterespionage, the law, physics or psychology may attract them, and they can become masters of the written and spoken word. They may be most persuasive orators and find fulfillment as diplomats or preachers and, if they make the Church their profession, their inner intensity can express itself in the spiritual fervor of the mystic or the thaumaturgy.
Scorpio is the symbol of sex and Scorpios are passionate lovers, the most sensually energetic of all the signs. For them, union with the beloved is a sacrament, an "outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace.". Their overriding urge in loving is to use their power to penetrate beyond themselves and to lose themselves sexually in their partners in an almost mystical ecstasy, thus discovering the meaning of that union which is greater than individuality, and is a marriage of the spirit as well as of flesh.
They are thus capable of the greatest heights of passionate transport, but debauchery and perversion are always dangers, and Scorpios can become sadistic monsters of sensuality and eroticism. Their feelings are so intense that even when their love is of the highest, and most idealistic kind, they are nevertheless frequently protagonists in tragic, even violent romances, "star-crossed lovers".
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This birth chart shows the positions of the planets of Courtnee Papastathis
The sun represents vitality, a sense of individuality and outward-shining creative energy.
Sun in Scorpio
Physical energy and courage. Strong passions. Regeneration and improvement. Strong sexual powers.
Weaknesses: She is suspicious, defiant, extremist: she has a vindictive nature. Can turn violent.
Scorpio ascendant Taurus
Sun in VI
Not much social ambition, she wants to work in the medical environment and progress step by step.
41 Sextile Sun - Jupiter
She has high social ambitions, respects justice and the law. She is tolerant, optimistic, kindly. She has every chance for professional success in a strictly legal setting.
The moon represents a reaction, unconscious pre-destination, and the self-image.
Moon in Aries
She is autonomous, emancipated, courageous. Self-assured, with energetic activities. She is ambitious and enthusiastic.
Weaknesses: impulsiveness, domination, aggressiveness, great impetuousness. Constant changing of job.
Moon in XII
Curious and inquisitorial nature. She likes peace and quiet, being alone.
107 Trine Moon - Mars
She is frank, honest, full of vigor and ambition. She is strong-willed and powerful at work. She is a little hard on herself but, above all, on others whose capacity for action is not as great.
-107 Opposition Moon - Pluto
She has problems in love. She is jealous, her self-esteem is often quickly held up to ridicule.
Mercury represents communication, Cartesian and logical spirit.
Mercury in Sagittarius
Democrat, philosopher, tolerant, respectful of laws. Likes foreign travel. Believes that everything teaches you something.
Weaknesses: free spirit, that likes adventure and will leap into hazardous and risky affairs.
Mercury in VII
Hates being alone. She has lots of friends, likes to discuss and similarly has a lot of work friends. Likes to write.
148 Conjunction Mercury - Venus
She looks on the bright side of life: she is gay, agreeable, optimistic, sociable. She likes to speak and write, and does both with charm and artistry. Her intellectual pleasures are influenced by her feelings. She is amorous and sensual. She likes beauty, the Arts but also travelling.
Venus represents an interest for emotions and values, exchange and sharing with others.
Venus in Scorpio
Sensual and passionate, she likes love, the act of making love. Passionate loves, full of ardor and desire where the partner needs to be able to match her level or else recriminations will follow. While being passionate, she is also jealous and possessive.
Weaknesses: if disappointed or deceived in love, she can become bitter and odious. She hates the person as much as she used to love. Only jealousy can be as strong as hate.
Venus in VII
Her fate depends a lot on marriage. Marries for love, children, happy emotional life.
66 Conjunction Venus - Uranus
independent in love. Her love life is rich, but with passing love affairs. She tires quickly and is scared of losing her liberty. If she marries, she will regret it. She has that little something that attracts the opposite sex: she likes amorous adventures, she is romantic. She is the eternal lover and, of course, is unfaithful if she has a serious relationship. She likes art, anything new.
-53 Opposition Venus - Ascendant
She goes to excess in her pleasures, frequents doubtful company. She lacks good taste. She is very spendthrift, but spreads her money around her circle. Her friends are more self-interested than sincere.
Mars represents the desire for action and physical energy.
Mars in Leo
Combative strength. She always realizes her schemes. Can undertake big projects, conclude them successfully and receive the deserved rewards. She likes responsibilities and difficulties above all, and imposes herself forcefully.
Weaknesses: Combative force can lead to violence if she thinks it necessary. She is bold, presumptuous, intrepid: she likes to face danger and can naturally have a few hiccups on the way.
Mars in IV
Quick decisions, she has a lot of things on her plate and wants to climb the social ladder. She will succeed through phenomenal work-rate. Stormy family life, where her aggressiveness shows itself.
-71 Square Mars - Uranus
She is full of contradictions. She is original, tending to the eccentric, violent, headstrong, impatient and irascible. She fights to the bitter end to overcome hurdles, and has the strength to overcome them.
49 Trine Mars - Neptune
Her feelings are dominated by wisdom and geared towards the ideal. She likes water, sea voyages. She likes odd people.
87 Sextile Mars - Pluto
She is ambitious, has a great capacity for work, has self-confidence and goes to the end of her plans.
Jupiter represents expansion and grace.
Jupiter in Virgo
She is methodical and practical. She likes order, organization and harmony. She can easily link everything together.
Weaknesses: she has a tendency to distrust her circle, does not trust people.
Jupiter in V
She likes games and distractions. She has passion which lights up her days. She is lucky in love, but also professionally, with pleasant working conditions and duties. She loves her children and gets much enjoyment from them.
Saturn represents contraction and effort.
Saturn in Virgo
She likes order, harmony, method and balance. She can undertake long-term medical or scientific studies.
Weaknesses: she is intransigent, stubborn. Misuse of medicines, or asking for too much medicine.
Saturn in V
She likes method, calculation, concentration. She is not drawn towards amusements, or pleasure in general. She has few friends, but has deep and sincere feelings. She is serious in everything.
59 Sextile Saturn - Uranus
She knows how to be on top of the situation. She perseveres, is determined but ingenious and original. She is very practical. She proceeds slowly, but is always bound to achieve her objectives in the end.
Uranus represents individual liberty, egoistic liberty.
Uranus in Scorpio
Intelligent and subtle. Adores research, inquiry, investigation. Very sensual.
Uranus in VI
She is independent, undisciplined, eccentric and rebellious. She has a blunt character. She has problems in holding down a job, must work independently without relying on anyone else.
Neptune represents transcendental liberty, non-egoistic liberty.
Neptune in Sagittarius
Likes long voyages, things foreign, water.
Neptune in VII
Marries for love, to show the depth of her passion, but has a troubled conjugal life.
46 Sextile Neptune - Pluto
Pluto represents transformations, mutations and elimination.
Pluto in Libra
Brings changes.
House I is the area of self identity. The ascendant is a symbol of how one acts in life. It is the image of the personality as seen by other, and the attitude that one has of life.
Scorpio ascendant Taurus
Ascendant In Taurus
She goes to the heart of things, achieves their goals, carries on to the end of whatever has been undertaken. Likes food, comfort, good sexuality.
House II is the area of material security.
House II in Gemini
Financial success will be acquired thanks to various activities, frequent changes, be it of the activity or the workplace.
House III is the area of social and intellectual learning.
House III in Cancer
Any travel that she does will only be to visit family or friends . Family and dear ones are very important to her, they can always count on her in times of difficulty or trouble.
House IV is the area of action and emotion.
House IV in Leo
Conducts family life like a business, rigorously and authoritatively. Great sense of organization, looks after what she possesses well.
House V is the area of self-security.
House V in Virgo
She does not lack for practical sense to run her business and home: She is ingenious and good with her hands. She is modest and prudish.
House VI is the area of learning by material transaction.
House VI in Libra
Above all else, likes good work conditions, a good atmosphere. Weak point: the kidneys.
House VII is the area of social et intellectual action.
House VII in Scorpio
Passion, passion. Feverish and drunk with love. Hiccups, discussions, disputes in love.
House VIII is the area of emotional security and of security of the soul.
House VIII in Sagittarius
Death will certainly be in a foreign land or on a journey abroad. Nevertheless this will happen after a long life, when the body is too exhausted to continue. Easy death.
House IX is the area of learning that shapes the identity.
House IX in Capricorn
Respects the religion in which she was brought up as a child, still holds this belief.
Likes justice and loyalty.
House X is the area of material action. The Mid-heaven represents the work one will do in his life, the place one will take in the world of society. It becomes more important as one grows older
House X in Aquarius
Success in teaching. Likes contact with others, to speak and explain.
House XI is the area of search for social and intellectual security.
House XI in Pisces
Has only a few friends, but with these the friendship is sincere and frank.
House XII is the area of education and of emotion.
House XII in Aries
Can take initiatives without consulting anyone, even her partner.
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Submitted by courtnee on Sun, 04/06/2008 - 08:13.
This is my first experience with scratchboard, after having been introduced to the medium a coupe years ago while going art supply shopping when i was doing it full time. I did this in about two hours, freehand and from my imagination. Mainly it was to try different strokes and patterns. I fucking love it, and my dear friend jason, who was present with me while I made it and adores octopi, has already asked that he be allowed to have this piece inked as his last tattoo.
Brought to you by spring allergies, lupus flaires, klonipin, a one hit wonder, and tea.
<3
Thank you for the gift, scott. This felt wonderful to work in a new medium.
PS - I am at a friends on my eeepc which doesn't have any image editing capabilities.. so I downloaded picasa, and wtf.. you can't resize a picture? After three attempts to post the original (which was too large) I ended up at http://www.resize2mail.com/ to get it done. Pretty neat site actually. But really google, pull your head out.
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Submitted by courtnee on Thu, 03/13/2008 - 23:12.
Behold! My painting for the Psychedelic Show at LRS, about 90% completed, taken on my cell phone.
This is my first painting done at the studio, since I was designated a shelf for my paints and given free reign on the spare panels a couple months ago. I knew once I got my damn paints over there things would start happening. It took about two days after finally getting my stuff in there for me to get started on something. It feels so good to be painting again.
From white gesso to this in one night, I started around 7, and ended at midnight. The thin wisps in the upper right are actually all over the painting, in an iridescent paint that is only visible like that at the correct angle. I have made a few notes after studing this picture and will change a few things to balance the flow, and blend some edges, but otherwise, it’s pretty much done, and I fucking LOVE it!
This is the biggest I’ve painted thus far in my adult artistic life - I don’t know the measurements, but the step stool and knobless door sitting next to it hopefully help with the perception of scale. I once painted a room-sized backdrop in middle school for some dance, or something, but it wasn’t anything like this - cartoony grave scene on paper. This is the real deal, and I am feeling the deep urge to go much bigger next time. I am somewhat giddy over the possibilities.
Throughout the night, I visited and held space with my dearest friends as I worked - another first for me - while the energy and bustle of rehearsal for my favorite LRS show (The Red Show) sprinkled my senses in the background. It was indicitive of the sense of pure magic I had felt not long ago, as I ventured into my new life of art, massage school, and being on my own.
I found it meaningful, humbling and strengthening to have been working along side my favorite painter while creating this, laughing and joking with one another, particularly as he finished and signed his first painting of me (a bold and strong rendition of http://neevita.net/?q=node/5024). His painting recently sold, before it was finished, just in the nick of time for the studio financially. It feels wonderful to have contributed to that, and to be enjoying a comfortable closeness with someone I admire to the extent that I admire Jeff.
I am currently icing my arm, and smiling very, very big. School is nearly over. My skills, style, and confidence are solidifying. My personal focus is on my art and my personal enrichment. Charlie is recovering better and faster than any of us anticipated. I am simply adoring my life.
Now to figure out that whole ’money’ thing, at some point..
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Submitted by courtnee on Wed, 03/12/2008 - 22:54.
It was utterly amazing. I was super stoked. The fear was gone, the confusion was gone. I'd made my peace, found my respect, come to my terms. It was beautiful.
I hadn't gone to the last two cadaver classes, and I don't regret that. I was not in the space to go and I refused to force myself to. It turned out to be better, since they let us stay late to review whatever we wanted to, so I got to see the things I wanted to see from the classes I missed at my own pace, which was much faster and more streamlined than that of an instructors. Part of what made the labs difficult for me was the length of time we were in there.
The difference between how we handled things for the first class (only the body part we were looking at showing, avoiding scalp and ear and hands and feet, not having more than one body uncovered at a time) and how we were after 5 labs, exploring openly an entire uncovered cadaver, including their organs and face and brain, was really interesting to observe.
I have more understanding now toward the teachers I felt had treated the bodies offensively at first, who were using their fingers instead of tools to point things out and left one body open while moving on to another one. While they tried and generally succeeded in taking our states into account, they'd just already gotten over all that, where I had still been super sensitive toward the experience and found some manners uncomfortable.
I didn't realize it at the time, but I performed a closing ritual tonight with the bodies we'd come to know, after staying late and most of my classmates having left. Systematically, and without even realizing what I was doing, a classmate and I put them back together. It started with returning the old mans face skin into place. Then, to the woman who was face up, completely undone, and needed to be put back together entirely, including her liver and heart and brain, then finally to the face-down man who's brain and legs we had been looking at.
It felt natural, interesting, even fun.. and later, was extremely powerful and meaningful to me to have done that, though my initial motivation was 'Lets see how much we know!'. As far as I know, none of the students had assisted in situating the bodies after lab before. We simply did it, and we did it correctly (yay for education!) because it just felt right, without even really thinking about what it was I was doing.
The woman in particular was potent for me. I'd never really been comfortable with her. She was overweight and very diseased, had many kinds of cancers, and overall she kinda grossed me out. I would feel sadness looking at her, her pathologies, her 11lb giagantic liver, all the adapose tissue she had, her insanely oversized lympth nodes.
When we uncovered her face, though, the skin peeled back except the eyes, nose, and mouth which were not cut away, she changed for me. She looked like a pretty little monkey, with long eyelashes, quiet and noble. It reminded me of how linked we are to other species, how we're all made of the same basic stuff, and I just felt this sense of wholeness and love. Later, when I placed the skin of her forehead back on her face, I saw that she had the most beautifully sculpted eyebrows I think I've ever seen.
Before tonight, I think I had actually touched the cadavers twice. Once, that I vividly remember.
Un-coincidentally I am sure, I had a (living) client in clinic last week who was similar, and smelled really badly. I was impressed and proud to notice that while I was aware of those things, my impulse to judge and focus on them naturally gave way to giving that human being the best massage I was able to give her, through all her strange pathologies and difficult attributes.
In that situation, there had not been any single physical indication that embodied the beauty I felt eminating from her dispite the other stuff, like the eyebrows on our cadaver. However, the sense, and knowing that there was something of beauty and worth there - countless things - even if I wasn't seeing them on the surface, rang very true for me. This was a person, a human, a living creature, on my table, asking me to do what I could to help them heal. And I did, and I enjoyed it, and I felt good about it afterward.
It isn't just about surface things. It's not just about finding something I fancy in how a body looks to make the rest of it bareable. But finding that thing tonight in a perfectly groomed eyebrow (which was actually imperfect and partially overgrown) rocketed something deeper to the forefront, something I had been feeling but couldn't really place. The good in people is starting to outweigh the bad, subconsciously, for me. After all this time and all this work and all the fears I've faced and all the abuse and terrible things I've seen and tried to mind over matter, to force away, I can finally feel the scales tipping behind all that. It's happening for me. I am fucking DOING it! Sometimes I can actually just stand back and go.. wow. I am fucking DOING IT!
Reprogramming to the kind of extent I have been is an extremely substantial undertaking. It's time consuming, often painful, scary, and sometimes very frustrating and even alienating, and sometimes I feel like I'm just falling flat. But the days of being afraid to touch people, of lacking confidence in my skills and knowledge, of allowing my fear of hurting people and being hurt by them to paralyze me, and of fearing the human body, are slowly but surely fading into the distance. This education, this experience, and this decision I made for myself has brought me everything I wanted from it - a real chance to be truly supported as I transform, to learn what it means for me to have support, and to know how to find it in the future.
I realized the other day, that I haven't even thought about how I'm going to make back the money I've spent on school - it hasn't been factoring into my plan. This education has been worth every single fucking penny, no matter what it is I do with it on a business level. The single most enriching experience of my life, the first certification program I will have completed, my first school experience since dropping out of high school in freshman year. And there's more I'm gleaning from this last cadaver, about my personality and growth and hwo I tend to view things, but it's freakin late and I'm exhausted and want to get this done.
I truly have tapped into a deeper sense of my humanity. And I am an amazing therapist, to boot, as well as one of the last 24 people who will ever graduate from this revered and unique program. Recently, while musing with someone about my tendency to be drawn toward sick animals, I was told that it was because I am a healer. I really hadn't thought of it that way, but now, I agree.
My final exam is in two weeks. Then, 3 months of business during another round of clinic, and the state exam. The final stretch is thoroughly enjoyable, and overall, my memories of this program are positive and resolved. There's been so much else in my life going on as well, my only regret is that I let some of those things take more of my attention from school than I would have preferred, in hindsight as well as usually knowing in my heart at the time. But even recognizing that was a great learning experience, not to mention the distractions themselves, and I don't think I could have asked for more from my $15k, or my 18 months. I was ready, and even through all the other shit that went on I've rocked school, and I've made lasting bonds that I will remember for the rest of my days, as well as the groundwork to forge many, many more.
Thank you. To the universe, to my former husband, to my boss, to my friends, to my supporters, my teachers, to my challenges, to my failures, my triumphs, and to myself for receiving them all. My life is incredible.
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