Suicide

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Note: This is, first and foremost, a personal thinkpiece about living with, and interacting with, my own suicidal ideology, followed by resources that have helped me cope. Though I hope my sharing these things helps, the following is not meant to address acute crisis. If you are in immediate danger, please consider these 10 places to ask for help. Additionally, this is a living document which is edited periodically. If you think you remember seeing something here that is different now, you’re probably right!

Suicidal ideology has been a part of my world for as long as I can actively remember. Much of my art and theatrical works (like the obsidian show) revolve around my lived experience seeing through that veil.

I’ve attempted suicide multiple times in my life and still, at nearly 40 years old, experience periods of intense suicidal depression. It’s been this way for me since I was 8. Confusingly at first, I have found that suicidal ideation doesn’t always present like the dramatic depictions we are familiar with, manifesting simply in those critical deciding moments of loss that we most fear, or in chronic and now measurable imbalances in our gut-brains.

I can broadly attest that, contrary to the limited and stigmatized narrative of how suicidal thoughts present and what they mean about you, ones relationship with suicide can be incredibly complicated and nuanced, can be a teacher and a guide (like anger), and can evolve drastically over time… provided that time, is, you know. Lived.

I believe that by hiding death and dying behind closed doors we do more harm than good to our society.

I believe that the culture of silence around death should be broken through discussion, gatherings, art, innovation, and scholarship.

I believe that talking about and engaging with my inevitable death is not morbid, but displays a natural curiosity about the human condition.

I believe that the dead body is not dangerous, and that everyone should be empowered (should they wish to be) to be involved in care for their own dead.

I believe that the laws that govern death, dying and end-of-life care should ensure that a person’s wishes are honored, regardless of sexual, gender, racial or religious identity.

I believe that my death should be handled in a way that does not do great harm to the environment.

I believe that my family and friends should know my end-of-life wishes, and that I should have the necessary paperwork to back-up those wishes.

I believe that my open, honest advocacy around death can make a difference, and can change culture.

The Order of the Good Death

“Time” – 2012 Self Photograph by Courtnee Fallon Rex

While I advocate for each individual to have agency over their death as well as their life, I advocate much more vehemently for all people to have de-stigmatized, unfettered free access to food, clothing, shelter, water, safe touch, trauma recovery support, medication, and the profound power of simple human witness to enable them to better live their lives while they are alive.

It’s a public health crisis that so many of us are lacking so many of these things, or are in a constant state of anxious scarcity regarding them.

I rarely talk with someone in the grips of a suicidal crisis and honestly think ‘this doesn’t make sense’ — particularly when taking into consideration the nature of trauma on the brain, the nature of unprocessed emotions on the body, the barriers to connecting while in psychic crisis, and how woefully unprepared friends, family, and general public are to interact effectively with someone having these thoughts at all – letalone chronically.

We live in a world of inescapable oppression dynamics that rob us of our uniqueness and authenticity, a world out to get anyone who dares stray from a stringent acceptability dictated by a narrow-minded few. So-called modern civilization has heinously cost many their lives, families, land, and trust. It has cost those who succeed within its rigid structures their connection to the rest of the natural world and each other.

Unnecessary, manufactured hardships are seen as personal failures in an economy that literally eats people and in which we also have to find a way to function. The ‘help’ that’s available for those of us living outside of the status quo is so often impersonal, and further traumatic, and that’s just for those of us who have access to it. I have found that there are an untold number of legitimate, yet atmospherically minimized reasons to feel hopeless, despondent, and like fucking dying.

The contemplation of suicide, as we witness again and again, while falsely presented as weakness or indication of being less than, ultimately knows no economic or social bounds. Most U.S. suicides are carried out by the most privileged of our society – straight, white men. No one is immune, and the ultimately illbegotten supremacy of ‘success’ itself brings its own forms of socially invisible trauma not widely understood or recognized for the soul crushing emotional isolation that it is.

And that’s just the tip of my soapbox, dear reader. If you’re feeling suicidal, there are so, SO many things that could be going on.

You may, actually be threatening to grow beyond your current capacity to even imagine yourself, thus setting off your most primal coping mechanisms.

You may be feeling the collective grief of a world in constant tragedy, contributing to and compounding your individual struggles.

You may be experiencing the creative result of a lifetime of compounding factors that haven’t been linked together yet.

You may have more of a problem in your guts than in your head-brain.

You may even be tapping into a place of profound knowing that threatens the status quo of your core identity.

Suicidal ideation doesn’t inherently equate to an earnest request for life to end. The suicide voice means only certainty that something currently feels overwhelmingly wrong, not that it is ones destiny to die of that wrongness.

If you do only one thing differently after reading this, please consider that perhaps your suicidal voice, painful as it is to bear, is not a part of your being that’s meant to be taken literally.

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Here is an incomplete reference list of relatively simple, low cost, or free things I’ve found helpful to both survive as well as better understand my own lifetime relationship with suicidal thoughts.

It’s meant to serve as a reference list for the suicidal like me, and as a resource for those concerned about someone struggling in their life.

I’m really glad you’re here and hopefully about to read through it. This little project has even saved my own butt a few times, when I’ve remembered to read it.

If you have a suggestion for something you think should be on here, or you see something that appears amiss for some reason, please email me.

  1. Take Care Of You.

    * Printable, and excellent, self care checklist.
    * Take action to help yourself with You Feel Like Shit – A step-by-step self care guide for people who have trouble recognizing their internal signals.
    * Explore the wisdom of your Vulnerability and Shame
    * If you are in an abusive relationship, and are not ready to leave, please read this unique and vital perspective.
    * Kitty Stryker talks here about her 10 ways to help someone who is suicidal
    * 26 times that advice actually worked, as told by those suffering the mental illness.
    * 21 tips for keeping your shit together (when you’re depressed)
    * 81 Mental Health Resources when you can’t afford a therapist.
    * Take a break in The Quiet Place
    * Try this interactive self care game that incorporates many of the suggestions mentioned in the resources above in a format that can help with the parallelization that often accompanies suicidal thoughts.
    * Browse some of the books that initially helped me

  2. Dispel The Myths,

    that we’ve all been taught regarding the nature of those who suffer from depression and suicidal ideology, many of which you yourself may unconsciously hold. Allies may like to start with a quick read describing these five myths, and these basic guidelines about careful and respectful methods of speaking about suicide to avoid unknowingly contributing to stigmatization. Or, if you’re feeling bad yourself right now, maybe start here instead at a page that saved my own life, once.

  3. 1-800-273-8255

    is the number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline in the United States (if you’re from another place, know the number for yours). Here’s an article regarding what hotlines are actually like if you’ve never called one. Sometimes just reading this helps me without having to call!

  4. Head Off Immediate Crisis Online.

    This may sound morbid to you, and I hope that honestly it does: According to the World Health Organization, reported suicides claim the life of one person every 40 seconds. If you are suicidal right now,  you aren’t only just in real danger,  you’re also not alone. Chat with someone right now at IMAlive.org

  5. You’re Not Alone; So Don’t go it Alone.

    Solitude is a fertile ground when leveraged intentionally, but isolation is a greenhouse for hopelessness, and the internet is an insidious perpetrator of it. Consider trying, even just once, attending a suicide bereavement support group, or otherwise enroll others, in person, in helping you maintain social accountability.

  6. Up Your Self Talk Game.

    I have been able to soften my internal voice over time and catch my descents more quickly by learning about things like compassionate listening, nonviolent communication and mirroring techniques. Exploring these and other similar things may enable you to develop self talk skills that can help you move through acute suicidal ideology by allowing your inner voice to change over time. As you may have already discovered, a person who is contemplating ending their life often simply needs to be acknowledged and heard authentically to turn the moment around; your having skills in effective listening could save a life other than yours, too, and remember; every 40 seconds, and you are not alone.

  7. Research Diagnosis.

    If your loved one has been diagnosed or believes they suffer from a specific mental illness, learn everything you can about that illness, and take an interest in why the shoe fits them.

  8. Don’t Wait For Others To Reach Out

    Suicidal people are in hiding and often simply can’t reach out in the same ways as we might when we are well. If you are concerned or seeing signs, please, please gently ask the person if they are suicidal directly. It is a myth that simply bringing up the subject will give a person the idea to attempt suicide. This is the most frustrating lack of suicide awareness to me, as so very few seem to do this even when they know to. But this in my experience is the fastest way to break through to me.

  9. Ideas of Things To Say (and why)

    “I’m worried about you, and I’d really like to come visit you after work tonight (making a point not to tell them if you went out of your way to move something in your life around for them). I’ll be there at 7 even if I haven’t heard from you just to check in and hopefully spend time face time”

    “Hey. Sorry it’s been a minute since we hung out; I’ve been thinking about you! I noticed some signs you’ve mentioned, and I know you sometimes get really super depressed; are you doing ok lately? Have you been suicidal?”

    *When a text exchange is clearly turning into a real conversation*
    “Hey, can I call you? I’d really like to hear your voice and want you to be able to hear me, too”

    “I recognize your crisis. I am here with you and listening” (Using ‘with’ maintains the persons autonomy and empowerment while leaving room for you to simply be present, without having to be doing anything ‘for’ them.)

    “I can’t imagine what it’s like to be going through this. I am so glad you are talking to me about it!”

  10. Seek Out Established Advocates

    For a couple examples of where to start, check out Live Through This project, run by suicide attempt survivor Dese’rae L. Stage and Left Behind By Suicide (Collateral Damage) by Scott Crisholm

  11. Be Gay, Do Crime, and Remember the Breathing

    BreatheAwayBuyalex