Status updates

One of the more pleasing details of the house concert I’ve agreed to do in Spokane this March; the unlikeliness that I will perform a 4 minute trapeze act and then have to immediately sit down to sing. The was a cool challenge, though.

One day, I may be interviewed and asked what compelled me to use saliva in my painting. On that day, I will be forced to admit the truth: Laziness.

Stupid awakeness! Begone!

I just had the sudden epiphany that I want to do a show about the day I came to realize that I had been loved in my past and people did care about me.

It was immediately followed by the notion that maybe I already have.

Snuggled in bed next to a pretty dozing boy, adding some stuff to neevita after a long, cracked out, but enjoyable day. As the benedryl starts creeping in, I wind down closer to the glorious 10 hours of sleep I’m about to get, with the bathroom fan balancing out the upstairs TV sounds, and a Pandora ambient station whisping through my ears.

I liked this weekend, and I am looking forward to my dreams, my future, and tomorrow.

*squints in puzzlement at youtube* .. I remember Good Idea / Bad Idea being more consistently-good than this. Some of them are even reversed.

My awesome aerial student (the only one I am teaching privately right now) totally brought me a present after my two month absence. <3

I getting the stink-eye from the women I pass on the street today. I am laughing at it, because I feel great and it’s awesome to have energy finally, but I know where they’re coming from, too.

Perhaps they would feel better if they knew how loose and angry my stools are. :D

*sigh*

I have the most amazing man.

I’ve noticed recently that I tend to put an invisible wall up when I see strangers carrying musical instruments on the street or public transit. I think it’s out of a kind of shame for being such a shitty musician; I don’t want to get trapped in a conversation about the instruments I “play”.

Sometimes, when I’m bored or something, I load up the iSight webcam on the macbook air, just so I can marvel at how completely horrible the quality is. I’m really stunned that apple bothered to put the raging piece of shit in this at all.

I’m sort of surprised it took me this long to incorporate a bodily functions tag on here.

(posted while passing what seems to be Indian food, the gift that keeps on giving.)

Week 5.5 of antibiotics and nearly ready to be off them. Still no physical activity worth mentioning other than a few surges of good spirited energy, but I have been feeling better and mostly waking up alert for about a week now. Current course runs out in three days, and I want to stay on them another week after that to make sure whatever the fuck I had is dead, dead and god damn fucking dead. Then on to food allergy and autoimmune disorder investigations.

For the first time in ~10 years, I have nothing angry and/or full of puss on my face.

For fucks sake, VistaPrint, I don’t want pens, or lawn signs, or note paper, or to sign up for your affiliates emails, just let me order my fucking business cards already.

I just remembered part of a dream I had last night, which consisted of an amazing band that had invented and built their own beautiful, strangely shaped string instruments. That glowed. And sounded amazing. I love benedryl coupled with Pandora.

23 showed 10 late, traffic jam on Michigan exit, processed a group of 30 geriatric japanese tourists + 2 wheelchair stops, heat is too high, 25 mins late for coffee and counting, thirsty and haven’t eaten yet. Get me off this hellmobile!! Agh!

Ha. Finally figured out why my macbook air wasn’t charging. Improper seating due to a tiny little piece of gravel which apparently had a high iron property to it and was sticking to the magnetic port.

I really know I’m in an ok place when I cheerfully answer phone calls from numbers I don’t recognize.

My poor little Juno. Working on Embodied is showing me just how many clicks and weird sounds it makes. :/

*shuffles through DVD’s* Hmm.. “Introduction to Power Yoga” .. nah “Yoga for flexibility: Intermediate” .. nah. “Yoga for Abs: Intermediate” .. fuck nah. “Yoga for Wimps” .. OH yes.

The people who want to stay in your life will always find a way.

Goodnight, Etta <3

I try to insert myself into situations that don’t interest me out of the fear of being rejected, and then blame the person I want to be closer to for how uncomfortable it is when it doesn’t work.

Do they make snowflakes in the shape of $ symbols being assraped? They should.

Been nesting like a motherfucker today, and just realized haven’t eaten or drank anything since breakfast. Oops. At least I went through everything in the garage and got a good start on setting up a little art-making space in the spare room!

Testing another facebook crossposting plugin for public posts – note, comments should be ported to corresponding wordpress entry as well.

I believe I have finally started hearing voices in my head.

Let the games begin. :D

Holy shit I had forgotten how fun All Apologies is to play on acoustic guitar.

I can’t remember the last time I dusted this honey scented/flavored shimmery powder on myself. I’ve easily had it 10 years, and I think I’ve worn it perhaps 6 times. Love experiential gift giving.

Happy Holidays. ♥

Man. Bonding is an intense experience.

This is a thing of utter fucking beauty and I think my faith in humanity has been partially restored based upon it. Fucking awesome.

Among the many, many things churning about in me right now, there is a thing I haven’t expressed out loud while sober, which I have been now for quite some time while dealing with this stuff…

I am scared.

:/

Researching all this health stuff is often bringing back snips and sensations of what it was like taking anatomy/physiology at Brian Utting School of Massage — as well as betraying how much I’ve forgotten over the years. I’m thankful for the refresher.

Thankful for my visit from the Colby Perry early-morning taxi, an easy test (three pokes and a half hour nap in between), stone cold simple charity forms from Swedish, a smooth bus ride home, and the nap I’m about to take now that I’m back here.

Adrenal test today. I’m in the early morning dark, seeing the pretty Seattle holiday lights at Westlake for the first time this year, wondering what’s next. It feels almost strange to be outside.

“I’m not scared of you.”

‘You should be, I have high resolution photos of you.’

“Oh please. As if I don’t show the entire fucking world how ugly I am on a daily basis.”

Does it still count as pushing them away when you did it because you knew they couldn’t be there?

I wonder if I need to be isolated and wretched and covered in a layer of my own sickly phlegmy filth and breaking up with someone to get through a really horrific menstrual cycle. You know, like how animals instinctively crawl off to die alone.

Sometimes it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve been somewhere with someone new trying to replace the past that’s attached to it, or how many times you wear something over and over again trying to rid it of a scent that still seems to live in it, or how many days, years, months or seasons go by – there will always seem to be that one memory much stronger than the rest that your heart will remember the most.

There’s such a special feeling I get when I go through my little travel rituals. It’s one of, if not the only time, I lay my clothes out for the next day.

Test

I find it somewhat notable how many random things I’ve collected over the years due to my penchant for theatrically shoving things that do not belong to me up my hoohoo while ridiculously inebriated at parties. Included in this list are a mechanical pencil and a $10 bill. Keepin’ it classy.

I don’t know where to begin dismantling my life in this house and I fucking hate this.

PSA: trying to get off while drunk and on Vicodin is mostly just frustrating.

The season of Christmas music in public establishments has apparently begun. If anyone needs me, I’ll be on the edge of homicide until February.

Lol. Scott just ordered tempura from Hana, and the waitress gets all excited and says “vehwee good, new OIL!”

Oops. I did something too awesome to post on Facebook.

You know what Spokane reminds me of? Derry, Maine, the setting for Stephen King’s “It”. And that’s an eerily comforting feeling.

Crankystressed. Emphasis on cranky.

Rolls over, checks email on phone, finds BPT “5 days left!” mail, groans anxiously through a wall of snot, pulls covers overhead.

Wow. Nasal spray fucking hurts! Yikes!

Last night was pretty epic. I got the fuck bit out of me by a vampire, got to see Thomas Drake Steffens (first!! omg!) show, and the QOTN: “Wow. You really ate shit!” after I tossed myself head over heels onto the sidewalk tripping over an insanely camouflaged bench.

I would like to take a moment to thank the contents of my colon for indicating their intention of vacating the premises BEFORE I took my shower.

It’s the little things.

Alright, you know what? Fuck it. Every important aerial performance I do this — I say, this is going to be the time my process is different. This is going to be the time where I’m “prepared” and my form is perfect and the act is easy and nothing goes wrong and I have oversplits and don’t even break a sweat. In actuality I’ll get through a full run of the act for the first time the day before I open and I’ll be changing my groundwork an hour before doors and then I’ll get the fuck up there and be naked and raw and fucking awesome and that’s just how it’s going to fucking be. So instead of digging into my bruises and jacking up my brokeass body I’m getting the god damn fuck out of here and taking myself to dinner. Fucking fuck the living fuck out of it. I got this fucking shit.

Wow, to a whole new level of tired. Just wow.

I think I understand why people end up buying houses they can’t afford via a system they despise and oil a machine that’s chewing up our society. I am so fucking sick of moving every year. I just want someplace that’s mine. I don’t even have to live there by myself, just some place that isn’t going to fall apart in a year for one fucking reason or another.

Ah, yes. I’d been vaguely wondering when and if that whole “HOLY FUCKING SHITNUTFUCKINGFUCK THERE IS STILL SO MUCH FUCKING WORK TO DO AHH FUCK FUCK AHHH I’m SO FUCKING BEHIND AHHHH” thing was going to happen.

Check.

I WILL NOT BE UP ALL NIGHT TRYING TO TROUBLESHOOT UNFAMILIAR HARDWARE ON AN UNFAMILIAR PLATFORM WITH UNFAMILIAR SOFTWARE *eats benedryl*

I am the combined effort of everyone I’ve ever known.

Upcoming events/travels: Nov: My birthday, Embodied, Leavenworth. Dec: Ireland, Portland, Holidays. Jan/Feb: California. By then, it’ll be time to start working on Obsidian for the fall of 2012, and whatever side project I take on to let out the pressure (possibly a play with Marcus Paul Wolland and Joe Heil). Fuck yeah.

Well, shit. Looks like I’ve gone and fallen in love.

Bruised, tender, sore, frustrated, and still sucking — yet, what’s the first thing I do when I get home? *glares at violin*

*GLARES*

‎*glares at violin*

.. WHORE.

Other than the desire to carry one with me, being haunted by a violin sure is different than being haunted by a ukulele last summer. Uke was skippy, freeing, silly, fun, and experimental. Violin is smooth, dark, weighty, and deeply profound

I just demonstrated to a group of giggling ladies how to put a condom on with your mouth, using a banana. This is gonna be a good night. :D

While walking to my bus and researching violin vs viola vs cello, found this quote: “don’t play viola unless you want to become a manic depressive”

…perfect! :D

Why is it, when I have a bunch of time and daylight, it makes perfect sense to transfer my clean laundry from the bed to a chair and back again for days on fucking end until the cat has finally made it impossible for me to consider the laundry clean anymore — But when I’m so tired I’m yawning myself to tears I insist on folding and putting it away before I can sleep.

I want to heal. I want to go back to school. I want to learn more about music. Epiphany: Music therapy.

Violin hurts.

I just love finding sealed envelopes that needed to be mailed two days ago under a stack of shit on my desk. That really makes my day. Grr.

Every once in a blue moon, I’ll find I miss something about my former vocation. Today, it’s the ability to spend the day with my lovers scent on my hands.

Ever just wake up one day to find your head is over your heels?

It’s a special kind of ‘oh.. shit.’ Moment when I realize that yes, indeed, the only thing that’s going to save days of my mobility is a dreaded ice bath. Ugh…

Ok, that’s the second time in like a week the meandering thought “You know, maybe it could be neat to have a ba–” wandered through my head. NO. NO IT COULD NOT. SHUT YOUR FACE, STUPID CLOCK.

Searching for midi foot controller sets to plug into Ableton. Fuck you, Roland, for discontinuing the god damn RC-50. Fuck you up the dickhole with a jackhammer

Listening to the rehearsal audio for Embodied is like a fresh fluffy blanket out of the fucking drier. I can feel my heart cracking open and everything around me rushing in. Hurts so good.

Oh SHIT!! Idea idea idea! OMG IDEA!! *jots down furiously* IDEA!!

It’s been a while since I did my ’10 things’ daily ritual. I thought of one thing this morning, though — I’m unable remember the last time I woke up with a guilt ridden anxious jolt because I overslept. I’m really thankful to have been able to situate my life so I don’t have to feel that anymore.

Why do the lateral edges of the bottoms of my feet sometimes have a deep, penetrating itch in the mornings?

After feeling inexplicably sick, like I’d just eaten an entire cake on my own, before aerial training, I now feel inexplicably melancholy. Lots of things being jarred loose and floating around in me lately. I blame the music.

I’m seeing people holding and comforting one another in public a lot, lately.

When was the last time you did something like closed your eyes, stroked your own hair and thought of someone petting you to sleep? Is it a favorable or disconcerting memory? I’m wondering if I’m the only one who’s fantasy life springs up in odd, infantile places like that. Now that I type it out — of course I’m not. Yay internet therapy.

Get outta the fast lane, you gutless wad!

Over the last few days I’m beginning to articulate one of my biggest pet peeves: Watching awesome people be drug down by someone else.

It totally, completely smells like sex in here. :D Adding some decaf coffee to the mix. It smells sweet, and a little creamy, then salty with a tinge of copper.

Leftover brown rice salad from Sunlight, herbal tea, half an apple, some almonds, and a whiskey and water. Breakfast of champions right here.

‎6 hours, mosly in the water. Exhausted with abraded corneas — but it is truly amazing what a couple raw eggs and half an apple can power me through. Next up: aerial practice.

Eyes squeezed shut, running up that hill.

Dear God-Magic-Thing-Person-Genie-Guy,

Please make my boobs stay this size all the time?

Kisses,
-nee

It’s sort of amazing what a nice roll in the sack can do for that whole ‘wanting to slap people’ thing.

EVOLVE. FASTER.

You know the cool thing about the internet? You can pretend to delete what you’ve said.

It’s not that I don’t crave wealth and sustainability it’s that I refuse to play the fucking game you have to play to get it in this country.

God, religion makes me fucking sick.

In attempting to find a program that will do what I want to do with video presentation for Embodied (I am absolutely CURSED with simple technological ideas that aren’t possible .. like fucking crossfading video when advancing through a playlist? I can’t do that?? REALLY?) and stumbled upon http://www.easyworship.com. I thought maybe it could be ironic to use a religious program to put on an agnostic show.. but, there’s just no way. Just reading the song lyrics they were pumping into their example on http://easyworship.com/easyworship/getstarted/ made me throw up in my mouth a little. There’s no way I could support the product (and I suspect it won’t do what I want anyway).

The search continues..

Panther. Or a great winged raven. Depends if my heads down to earth or in the air when I have to make the decision.

I am beginning to suspect that, despite my annoyance with people, I am actually a philanthropist. It’s just that my ideas around elevating human life quality differ from what comes to mind when I hear the word.

Translation: “vintage” section of value village; misshapen, fuckass ugly upholstery fabric mumu’s. Blegh.

Almonds and raspberry jam.

God damn that was a god americano.

Isolation dance.

I wonder sometimes what my life would have been like if I were born when there were way less people in the world.

Leveling up.

(I’m getting old and wise enough to feel it and know it when it’s happening now. So cool.)

I love being surrounded by so many amazing people doing so much amazing shit. ♥

Sometimes I have a really hard time deciding if I’m a minimalist, or a shitty musician.

Sometimes I have a really hard time deciding if I’m a minimalist, or a shitty musician.

Chomping through my to-do list dig-dug style.

I have been unable to function efficiently for hours, and while I’m becoming increasingly aggro and uncomfortable, I’m not even a little bit tired. Glaring at my monitor makes me feel better, though. *glare* Yeaaah. *GLARE* Take that, fuckface! *GLAAAAARE*

My office is SO not earthquake “safe”. Man it’s cool when you find just the right music for your mood. The litterbox gets pee rank faster than it used to, better keep an eye on CJ. Mmmm. Cock. Or some decaf, brown sugar and hemp milk. Man I should patent that. *wanders off*

It’s so much easier on me when I realize it’s the week and a half of PMS, in the first day or so. I still just don’t want to accept that I spend 2/3 of my life in some phase of distress in my fertility cycles. Maybe that’s the real reason thoughts of pregnancy gross me out so much. Or maybe I already know what it feels like to be hurting most of the time. I’m so glad it’s gotten better as I’ve gotten flabby and slow — without the help of manufacturing any more parasites.

Well then. That got dark fast.

Those who, if on your deathbed, you would want to see no matter how sick you felt or awful you looked, before dying. What is: those you either truly love, or TRULY hate.

Who actually DECIDES to decorate a restaurant with dead animals? Seriously.

Me: I figured out my encore. Scott: Well THAT’S presumptuous of you!

Me: I figured out my encore. Scott: Well THAT’S presumptuous of you!

I am looking at a slow pigeon in front of my office with a missing foot and chunks of his toes gone on the other. He is healed and calm but trying to scratch himself with his missing foot stub thingie. I want to cuddle him but instead I am just crying a little. :(

… I named him hopalong jack. Boing.

You know what, today? I’m going to work in my PJ’s. *flips off the universe*

You know those unsettling bowel stirs that literally ache in your calves and signal a massively unfriendly, imminent core dump? Me either.

New rule: only chase the ones who chase back.

Being me ain’t always pretty. Blegh..

‎”Hey there, I’m Courtnee”
‘Whats your last name? You look familiar.’
“Papastathis”
‘Ahh! I’ve seen your website! You do EVERYTHING!’

:D

Looking forward to having the city to myself while a big chunk of y’all are out wearing neon fun fur in the dessert. .. in August.

Looking forward to having the city to myself while a big chunk of y’all are out wearing neon fun fur in the dessert. .. in August.

My favorite part of the manicure? The last few days that I’m slowly chewing off the hopeless paint job. 4 more fingers to go!

Why don’t you wver hear about people reading lips anymore?

Mellow Fallout mix lofting into my ear through my pillow from over a closed laptop, snuggling feline crooked in my arm curling into my chest, half dreaming something epic I wish I’d written down while I still remembered.

What is it about me that notices my fatigue, recognizes it, yawns, says ‘yeah, it’s time for bed..’ and then immediately launches into some stupid project, like pruning my fucking facebook wall for half an hour?

A pessimist is: alone. An optimist is: just two people short of a threesome.

Walking in mild weather and flip flops, listening to a sad violin coo on the ipod, my natural slightly greying hair long enough to lazily whisp into my face for the first time in years.

No sooner did I reconnect with this city did it squat over my face and shit out more infuriating election results. Fuck you, seattle.

I flip flopped over and over in bed last night dreaming wonderful dreams of storming old, old Vegas, after spending time there, driving in the dessert to the Fallout: New Vegas soundtrack, wishing for the old days of both Hollywood and Vegas while in them, and watching the original Oceans 11 for the first time last night. It was pretty fucking epic.

You couldn’t love a woman as much as you love danger.

Today: Slept, ate, napped, laid out in the sun, and masturbated. A lot.

Tomorrow: Work my ass off.

I <3 my house.

As my eyes creeked open and saw the sky out my window this morning my brain immediately wondered how I ended up back in California. :) looks like I came back just in time.

I just rinsed my hair in a public bathroom sink. And it felt awesome.

Curled up roadside CA-299 just west of Willow Creek with my blankie and a spot of cell service. Wanted to save some of this drive for daylight but I keep getting the heebie jeebies out here, and just heard some random human male yell something. Alright then… moving along…

This is in the house my dad stays

*opens eyes halfway*
…
*realizes I’m topless, curled up on a tiny leather couch, with boys cargo shorts as a blanket*
…
*rolls over and goes back to a painful, hung over sleep*

..it’s almost noon and I’m pretty sure I’m still drunk.

Just realizing that both my drummer and guitarist/background singer moved to LA..

Its a good thing I *grew up* driving in California.

‎*points to a defcon guy across the restaurant*
‘Ha! I massaged you!’
“Yep! You made my day!”

Tequila induced courtesy flush!!!

Second violent dream since my trip began… :/

Awoken. And what am I doing to relax until I can sleep again? Watching the driving videos I took on hwy 101 down the Oregon coast. <3

Motorcycle wreck I 15 N @ exit 197, guy was part of a group. Appears alive. Black cruiser bike, black guy. One of ours?

Tender melancholy. So many abandoned houses out here.

Isn’t it odd that we still measure locomotive power in horses?

I just drove over the bridge I’d planned to live under when I decided I wanted to run away in first grade. It’s exactly as I remember.

FYI for those of you following my trip: The inverter I borrowed has stopped functioning, and I won’t be staying anywhere concrete until Wed evening. Figure that my phone will probably die before then.

Next time: will get farmers fruit on the hwy 18 drive rather than stocking at QFC, and leave myself time to hit the water park and aviation musem.

Hmm. I’m noticing a strange lack of compulsion to take pictures, (good ones, at least) thus far. I guess it’s a little different when you’re driving, as opposed to walking around and biking and taking public transit like I was in Europe. I’m hoping the coastline will inspire me, once I get there.

You know what impresses me? How long my htc magic stays alive on circle with a line battery.

FUUUUUNNNDED!!!!!

After two days of mostly numbness and thinking logistics, i just had a really amusing transportive kind of reaction complete with about two minutes of full on laugh-cry, when ‘Alive’ by Pearl Jam came on my shuffled ipod. It begins.

I <3 my boys.

Clumbsily blocking the obsidian tango in flip flops, at the bus stop, in the sun.

Lazily snuggled in bed, dozing and dreaming of silly, awkward sex, curled into a foreign, serene heartbeat — and then the thunder rolls. Yes, please, thank you.

Wow. I just discovered the first audio file I saved while I was creating Sepulture and still messing around with what the song might become. It’s kind of fucking awesome actually.

Short multilayered ruffle skirt, skinny jeans, and tennis shoes. Lady, seriously, you look like your closet barfed on you from both ends. Just stop.

Hacking dreams? Wow. That takes me back.

It seems like I have a lot of content on this website. Then I look at the posts in the admin panel, and I still have more drafts (1500, almost entirely old written posts from phuqed/the drupal version of neevita) than published posts (1300 which include my status messages, posts displaying images, and quotes and shit). Wow.

Priceless: Checking my phone after a first date, finding a text message from a bestie that reads “Is he still alive? ;)”

Lol. I totally just opened a jar for the cute asian lady I just bought lunch from. Raawr :-)

Two words: Blue. Balls.

I like my life.

‎… *sigh* sleep is such an elusive demon bitch.

Epic, creative, dreamlike dreams.

Yes, pioneer square hootchie, those heels make your butt look great. They also make you walk like Quasimodo. Which do you think I noticed first?

Damn. Only recently learned of the post office in the Columbia tower. Used it once, and now it’s gone due to lease termination. Suck.

Long lost nickname: enticingly dangerous criminal masterflirt.

I am beginning to sense the irony in naming a show that is surely going to tear me apart “Embodied”. God damn it’s going to be good though.

Teehee. Dating. … teehee :)

I should really learn to skip the mascara when I’m planning to listen to my own music on the bus.

Every living creature on this earth dies alone.

I wonder how much of a difference I’d feel in my heath if I simply washed my produce, and chewed my food, more thoroughly.

If I hit facebook at just the right time and just the right amount of inebriation, I can almost see the pound sign forming on my status updates, like the channel names on IRC. Facebook comments FTW.

I totally just got AAA in preparation for my upcoming road trip. I feel so accomplished and adult for thinking of it :P

Idiots shouldn’t be allowed to be haunting.

Eyes sealed, head nodding to the glitch mob on the bus. Frequently breaking out into spastic dance when walking. Plus: sun!

I have officially lost my tacking virginity!

I love waking up to múm. Almost makes flipping awake at 6:30am worth it.

Hypothetically, how do you feel about being used for sex?

And if you don’t like it, baby, well I guess it’s your own damn fault.

And if you don’t like it, baby, well I guess it’s your own damn fault.

You don’t have to give up to let go.

Spread out in the center of my bed with my furry monster, just the right amount of brown noise and neck bolstering fit for a hotel. Comfortable.

Wandering up the hill with art supplies hanging on my arm, iced decaf on my pallet, and a lovely smile on my sunlit face.

I’m finally beginning to see the potential in a second coat of paint, rather than trying to get the entire concept down before it ever dries. This seems like a big step for some reason.

I feel like I shouldn’t care. But this crack hurts.

Sometimes I long to be landlocked, and to work in a bakery.

Listening to Decemberists, sipping a decaf americano with lots of natural sugar and hemp milk, painting tiny skulls. <3

My boobs look totally fucking awesome today.

Ugh. The more I discover the more disgusted I feel. What is it that I get out of inviting these kinds of creeps into my life? And more importantly, how can I get it in a healthier manner?

I’ve noticed over the last couple years how often I bond with cool women over the stupidity of some guy. Maybe I periodically date schmucks as a way of circumventing my mommy issues that usually preclude me from connecting with them.

Most lessons that people learn will often come at your expense.

Woke up this morning to the electrical flairing in my spine indicative of processing betrayal. It lasted a few minutes and then went away. I remember a time when I was incapable of resolving it and simply spent weeks in grief with my back lit up in a kind of sickening neurological agony. Glad to see my hard inner work pays off.

Attention Neeworld inhabitants: Please be advised, we are now entering our monthly ~10-day “Zero bullshit tolerance” cycle. For the care and safety of your teeth and sex organs, it is highly suggested that you keep your bullshit to yourself during this time. Thank you. We now return to our regularly scheduled Neeworld programming of TMI, sexy pictures, and skull fucking.

Plan: mapped. Seattle gets two more winters as home base. If I haven’t figured out a way to get enough sun to want to live through them, I am headed someplace warmer and brighter. Life is too short to want to make it shorter.

Lately I am reminded of one of the dangers of swimming in the indulgences of my ego… The comedown fucking sucks.

Reading the ‘making food for a lover’ chapter in La Figa. Page 131. All heed. And then call me. :-)

Softly transitioning from a dreamless sleep, fuzzy cat rump at my chest, pale light casting through my window, Mum lofting from the speakers in the next room, and just the right amount of performance-sore. Even the crap Seattle June can’t slice through that perfection.

*glares outside* fuck you, Seattle.

I just sent friend requests from my deeply personal facebook account to my three step brothers, whom I’ve shared moments with long ago but largely have little contact or general knowledge of currently. Partially, I have avoided them because I’ve been certain they’d be ashamed and freaked out by who I am. Well, you know what? Fuck that.

Test

In terms of what turns your crank upon visualization, what’s hotter in the sack – Struggling against physical restraint, or physically pressing into a psychological one?

I love that I’ve become a person that people come to when they’re hurting

Effort spent on yourself is always well spent.

Tonight is the first Vita board meeting since I took leave in march, marking the second day of gutknot and uncomfortable conversations in a row. *squirm*

“If you want what you’ve never had, you must do what you’ve never done…”

I see a river. It’s oceans that I want.

That was a really nice feeling performance. I’d forgotten how much I like my black silks. It was like visiting an old friend.

‘thats the second time you slapped me in a week.’
“thats the second time you deserved it in a week.”

Beets yesterday + aunt flo = technicolor morning.

Sorry, little spider dude – shacking up in my shower was an even worse idea than attaching your house to my vacuum cleaner.

Holy dickbags. I dunno what I did to myself but I’ve got like, an inflatable travel pillow of RANCID AGONY wrapped around my neck. The whole fucking thing is locked down and pissed off. Humph.

This morning I layed awake until nearly 5am, curled in bed with a heating pad at my feet, listening to my own music. Aching, like something was missing. It’s been a while since I’ve been in that place.

I miss my mama.

Sometimes it’s almost clear how I can work so hard at protecting my soft inner core, and yet have such a deep, seemingly unending capacity to just love and long for people.

And then it nearly immediately overwhelms me and I force myself to stop looking at it.

I keep being told I would make a great dominatrix. What these people don’t realize is that I’m SUCH a great dominatrix, I don’t need the props or tools.

Of recoil, and grace.

Back to 126lbs after dropping to 113 when sick the last few months.

What’s on your mind?

It’s sort of amazing that while I’m gone all day accomplishing errands, my clothes are at home washing themselves.

Shit. Dream. Ugh. Uugghh.

I miss my mama.

Just realizing I get a stupid toilet brush up my hoohoo tomorrow. Yay for cootie patrol.. but mostly, meh.

It’s good to be back.

Songs of Leaving #32 sold. “I have listened to a lot of other music since your days at MP3.com, nothing was as consistantly satisfying.”

*blink*

There is something so grounding and beautiful in that final goodnight stretch while spread out in the middle of my own bed.

Ice packs on my quads, my mid back and my neck. I should have just sucked it up and done an ice bath.

I seem to be amassing a pretty keen tie collection..

Hmm.. sorry, Thor. I’m all about Loki.

*fap*fap*fap*

I’m sitting in a log cabin on a Thursday afternoon, listening to chill piano music with a bestie. My mouth is cottony and all I can think of is how much, even with wondering about rent every month, I enjoy working for myself and doing what I love.

And how grateful i am that nothing can take this moment from me.

Christ. I should have brought a vibrator to Leavenworth with me. And a zucchini. And a couple sheep and a pool boy. Weather schmether; from where i sit, spring has definitely sprung.

I dunno what you people are complaining about. Dating is fucking awesome.

“Wow, what if you were retarded? It would be so weird to interact with you!” – Joe

In bed past 11, and for the first time in a long while it’s purely for decadent relaxation purposes. Happy Monday.

Figures. I reach the point in my life where I have the desire and the confidence to make a hot booty call, but I just flat out don’t have the time for one. Nuts. Or.. not.

Alright. Been on solid food since Saturday and gradually upping my intake to the point that I’ve rarely not had something in my mouth for the last two days. I am officially stuffed, fat and happy. Eating is awesome.

It appears I am feeling better. The only two things I have managed to really wrap my head around today have been eating and fucking. Rawwr :)

The chronic cough I’ve had since the infection is thickening and moving into my chest. No other issues to speak of at the moment but I am beginning to wonder if I’m going to end up spending this entire year sick in some way.

There is nothing, I repeat, nothing so awesome as a shapley no wiper after a solid week long stream of liquid hate spewing out your asshole.

Graduated to soft-serve! Yippee!

The mudbutt, she does linger.

I love it when it’s sunny and nice outside, and a weekend. It means I’m not missing a damn thing by also not being on the internet.

Large pot of oversteeped immunity. Shot of tnt detox. Anti-ox oatmeal. Granola and yogurt. Skullfuck you, gutbug. SKULLFUCK YOU!

Is it just me, or are the youth of downtown a lot darker and dirtier and meaner looking than 15 years ago? More bulldogs, too…

Unless my schnoz is now malfunctioning, my excrement no longer reaks of methane death. My insides feel somewhat like a jungle guide plowed through with a machete and cut everything down. And I am very, very tired.

Thanks, Sony, for leaving only 3 digits to crack. #customerdataprotectionEPICfa

I’ve recently watched the pilot episodes for Glee and 30 rock and I honestly do not understand why people care about either of them.

Ok, you know what? 2011 can kind of suck my weepy food-poisoned asshole. Seriously. Knock it the fuck off already.

Sometimes all it takes is a friendly, flawless nonverbal communication with another driver to make my day.

Where the FUCK IS ALL THIS POOP COMING FROM?!?! LOL! AAAGHH!!

Down before the sun. Tomorrow will be better.

My entire body hurts and I have the energy of an insect carcas in a warm windowsil. Getting pretty tired of feeling like this.

I just had a bug fly up my nose as I walked down the street, and subsequently peed my pants from the force of frantically trying to blow the fucker out. The guy in the window at starbucks was… amused. It was a fucking mosquito, too.

Blackless slippers + hands full + hardwood stairs = things swelling and turning black. Awesome.

Even my dreams are full of life right now

Holy good god shit, Trader Joes non-dairy coconut milk ice cream is FUCKING AWESOME

Holy good god shit, Trader Joes non-dairy coconut milk ice cream is FUCKING AWESOME

Antique stores bring me such a wistful, heart rending sense of melancholy. Like being homesick.

Finally. My singing voice has returned.

The weather today is causing me to miss Amsterdam.

Hmmm. Unusual matching bruises on the tops of both my wrists. Yay for last night. :)

I just, uncharacteristically, gave my lunch to a homeless person on Stewart and Denny. The way her face lit up moved me to the point of tears. I had to pull over.

You may be a sinner, but your innocence is mine.

Oh, PMS. Ours is a bittersweet partnership. Thank you, though, for the awesome orgasms.

Woke up angry and narrow eyed from a strange, telling dream. When my step dad leaves this place, I’ll be three daddy’s down vs. one mom.

Gee. Thanks. *scowl*

Decelerate, or fasten?

Argh go FUCK YOURSELF FACEBOOK! I set my fucking notifications how i WANTED THEM. Bunch of spammy shitheads! Skullfuck you!

Not death. Birth. It’s fucking birth.

*sigh* Hi again, ambient anxiety. Go back on vacation soon, please.

Oh, that clarifying moment when you realize although most of it is still good, its not worth picking the slimey leaves out of that unopened spinach bag.

Oh my god!! :D OH MY GOD!!

Confession: Tim Roth gives me an erection.

Yes!! I figured out why my phone wasn’t seeing the home wireless network! UP YOUR ASS, D-LINK!

Caution: Todays ridiculous meter now cranked to 11. I was already in a mood, then I had coffee. Zing!

Sunday, bloody Sunday. Just waking up. I adore how easily photographs are cominng to me lately.

Soon this cough will be dead and gone, and I wont shed one fucking tear.

The last day or so I have really been humbled by how scary my most recent sinus infection was. I have two days left on antibiotics and sort of want to stay on them longer. I feel better, and also like I could still downturn at any moment. Creepy.

Moon roof!! :D

This post nasal drip can go fuck itself.

It’s good to be king. :)

I just love being awake at 2am, coughing.

Classic, raging sinus infection. So glad i got in today, its spreading up my face now. Here’s hoping amoxicillin still works on me.

Cleansing fire ritual and an hour of massage work on my neck. I am getting pretty alright at this grieving shit.

Sick, sick. Sicky sick sick sick sick.

All over the place today. Big breakthroughs, big trials, big strides, big cries, big pain, big courage, big stances, big day. Big headache, too. Uggghuuuggg.

Today, and often, I find myself deeply grateful for my work. Specifically, the way it encourages my own grounding and my ability to contribute to the well being of others, even when times are tough for me.

mmmmm :)

Tomorrow: Art, getting a massage, getting an adjustment, shipping art to the people who bought some from me, dinner with a friend, and watching more art.

Now: bath, pandora, and a warm purring cat.

Fuck you in the ear, blues.

If you’re not into personal improvement, you’re not into me.

Oh. Man.

Aha! I’ve got it. Just ice the fat lady. Then it’s never over.

I want to swipe the heads off of the people who are bullying Rebecca Black, and the “producers” that put her up to making such a godawful music video. That metal version of “Friday” is fucking funny, though.

The ability of this cats hair to transport and manifest in little white fluffy clumps is truly staggering.

*stretches hands back* clear skies and a clear schedule, a good day to go through the Dirty Vegas discography. Today’s goal: whittle clothing down to fitting in my dresser so as to convert closet into tiny sewing room. Annnd… go!

There are no short cuts. It’s all about hard work.

Dear one, I am here for you.

Sitting at my desk, shaking my head, laughing my ass off. Life is such a fucking trip.

Gave hours of lovely bodywork and ate -three- times today. Grateful.

hunger, vision, sobriety, trust, tea, CJ, clean sheets, storage, rest, flexibility

Mental Note: This sobriety thing is pretty cool.

dreams, friendship, my boundaries (why, hello there!), faith, conviction, sharing, hard work, owning my shit, letting other people keep theirs.

God this stuff makes mornings so anxious and weird.

liquid diets, clean clothes, rest, recovery, silence, orientation, focus, progress, research, therapy

Huh. It just hit me. When part of what you do is bring color to someones life, sometimes, that color’s gonna be black.

remedy, authenticity, bravery, courage, vulnerability, intimacy, awareness, clarity, tender strength, being me.

Wow, You’re looking rough today, Seattle. I see my grubby jeans and puffy face are in good company.

This is me. I’ve been disconnected from my sparkly self, and sad, and hurt, and disappointed, and questioning, and that’s ok. It’s ok. Cause who’s avoidant of feeling their deepest emotions, even when they’re painful and difficult? Not me. And that, my friends, is why I’m fucking amazing.

Huh. You know, if I wake up tomorrow still feeling like I do right now, that would be pretty alright. It’s nice to finally be feeling some breathing room and positivity after that special shade of nightmare.

This was a moment that really struck me clear through all the shit that’s going on. I like it.

I need to start carrying a notebook again. Also; I seem to be desiring sex and comfort from women at a rather uncharacteristic intensity. I wonder if the mommy issues are finally on the horizon, now that I’ve beat the daddy ones to a pulp.

This is a challenging post. Over the last two months I’ve struggled with waves of deep depression, which recently came to destructive, unmanageable despair. I’ve lost my partner and damaged myself considerably. In returning to therapy, going on meds, and navigating the separation, I’d like to fill the gaps in my calendar with positivity and patience. Can you help?

I want something new to get lost in. Like the matrix, or a place, or heroin, or a person, or an idea, or a sense, or a song, or silence. Something. Nothing. Anything. Anything but this.

Why the hell is it that the only time my tits are a respectable size my uterus is weepy and the rest of me wants to fucking die?

Does anybody else in here feel the way I do?

What’s the consensus on the Droid Milestone, Droid Global 2, and Droid X-1? Other than I’d have to sell my unfertilized eggs to afford any of them?

Soft kwyblaaeda on smaetphones aare tje ducking devil

friends, bibs, angry birds, free stuff, mint, acoustics, big mugs, properly cut hair, first world problems, silence

chocolate, wasabi, chocolate wasabi, movement, light, vingette, ice, hard work, hard play, hard cock.

dance, darkness, technology, vanilla, communication, space, process, nitrous, laughter, unhinged imagination

new toys, quinoa, stretching, music, heating pads, clean sheets, cast iron, running water, connectivity, kittyfur

art, sweet potato, family, fingers, the sun, slip-on shoes, layers, courage, linen service, family

Just submitted a performance proposal for SEAF. I have mixed feelings about it. Ultimately, though, my act is amazing and fitting and lovely and I want more people to see it. I think I’d feel more conflicted if I pissed the chance to perform it again away on avoiding having to deal with some knob who used to know me.

I’m not happy with the way I’ve been treating people lately – including myself, and especially Beau. Off the sauce, and back to emo self care basics (like the 10 things I’m thankful for every day). I’ve been doing pretty good with the physical basics like eating and moving around, though, so good for me for that. Sadly, it’s not enough.

baring witness, dark eyeshadow, electric teapots, vertical stripes, patience, TED, deciding, water, music, brown noise

Can anyone recommend a good therapist in the seattle area?

As beguiling as the notion is, being right has its drawbacks.

My owl from down under

Dear Humanity, I don’t need any of you fuckers. Sincerely, The Management

Furnished the new office with less than $100 at goodwill. Yay.

Apparently it is inadvisable to store tasty cat shit outside on my deck.

“Your abuse made you a natural”

Sun. Mow. <3

Is being convinced after attending a social event that you must have done or said something wrong somehow a type of social anxiety?

Gross, man. I think either the hospital or Po Dog use that creepy fake oil that just goes right through you to cook their fries. Either that or I really went crazy on the fat intake the last couple days.

You KNOW it was a good romp when you roll over panting and say “Holy shit. That’s a facebook update right there.”

I seem unable to cease tonguing the blister on the inside of my cheek.

..Yup. Still a basketcase. Check. Onward..

I just emailed my dad.

I am developing the foundation for an impressively succulent neck waddle.

Testing picture update

Testing status update from neevita remote

Scott is showing me offender locator for iphone. I am disgusted on so many levels, but i think the worst of it is the privacy violation of the registered.

liked the old way better

I wonder sometimes if growing up online contributed to a stunting of my social ability, or afforded me one. I kinda think if I didn’t have a ‘safe’ way to be alone and yet reach for people, I wouldn’t have learned to reach at all.

The world looks sad and threatening. I feel lacking and broken and inferior and scared. It feels like I’m trying hard to feel better, but in my experience when I’m trying I progress, and instead it seems to be getting worse. Remind me that it gets better again?

Some day maybe I’ll understand how my life can be so abundant, and yet I still spend so much time alone crying.

Sometimes clothes purging is about needing to have less shit and less weight. This time, it’s as much about rediscovering my clothes as it is about getting leaner.

I’ve transcended in multiple ways, in multiple areas of my life, in the last few weeks – including what graces are held for me in my artistry, bravery in relationships, and actually withholding my vulnerable self from those who have not earned my trust.

Fuck you in the unslick anus, clearwire. As if I don’t fuck off enough of my life on the god damn internet without my fucking website taking 5 minutes to load the motherfucking horseshit login screen.

Interesting distinction: Putting energy out toward anyone in particular, vs. putting energy out *away from me*.

Be kind to one another, you little fuckers!

I feel rested and warm and lighter this morning. Like i vomited some toxic ten ton ball of sticky black hate.

“I don’t know how I manage to feel so big and small at the same time”
‘i think you can only be so big because you can feel so small somehow’

Everything about snoring fucking sucks.

Hey Nolan. Harley > Catwoman. Idiot.

I want to be Victoria, from Red. I’m gonna be that old lady. I am that old lady.

Now see here, generic throat spray safety seal. You’re taking your job way too seriously. Have mercy on my sickly paws wouldja!

I love having people in my life I want to take with me through it.

I thought that maybe in some distant parallel universe creating (and having reason to reevaluate) a poly agreement could feel sorta fun, maybe. I was wrong. Today, it feels fucking awesome.

Reassuring loveysex ftw

Enjoying an intimate and lovely afterparty for HASML. Just freakin love these people and the experience of putting on this show. Bigger audience, next time.

‎”You’re dreaming of him because the space that would be created in your heart and mind if you let him go is more ominous than dealing with the presence of him.”

Shaking and crying while practicing music. Does this mean I should put it in the lineup?

One day, i will perform when i do not have an evil cyst on my face. One day.

Today, I am thankful for email forms, paypal, introduction incentive packages and toilets. Permalinks in wordpress, however, can go straight to hell.

silks. drop. snag. labia. uugghh.

Today, I fit nowhere.

Ya know, I’d be a lot less dysfunctional if I had a servant.

I’m sitting on a toilet, and my hips look wide and pretty. Missing my Obsidian weight recently. Those 10lbs of Hurricane hashbrowns looked rockin.

In the last week my sweetie has bought me breakfast, helped me move, put my bed together for me, pet me to sleep, and told me I was the most beautiful he’d ever seen me while I lounged in cotton with no makeup on. <3

CJ is doing great in the new place, hanging out on her cat tree and sniffing things. Contrast from when she first came home from rescue. I hadn’t realized how much more relaxed and comfortable she’d become since/because of me. Let that be a lesson about the shy ones.

Upgraded uhaul size and extended to overnight drop for free, + tank is past full and i may not need to gas it. Morfing opinion of moving on new years day. / First moving casualty: the web of my right hand impaled by a stray guitar string end sticking out of my hard case. Ow.

The scooter!!! She lives!!!

I sure do like getting what I want. :)

This packing thing is like walking through waist deep mud. I’d rather just ditch it all here and start over.

Holiday-style eating and drinking is officially over. Liquidbutt(tm) has spoken.

Lesson learned: Long-term deeply discounted gimmicks + self limiting physically challenging business model = eventual financial disaster. I hope whoever made Groupon 5 grand for an hours worth of work mocking up my ad a year ago at least broke a nail or something.

Its chrismas night, and dinner is a glass of iced scotch and a giant bowl of lucky charms. Take that, establishment.

Does drinking human milk sound appetizing to you?

I have come to a decision to discontinue expending energy in contemplating how to fit into a smaller space than I have now. I sacrifice and contain myself enough.

I somehow don’t think this is what giving someone gifts is supposed to feel like. I fucking hate December.

IV: “I wonder if I’d give better head if I’d had my tonsils removed.”

IV: “Oh holy good god shit I’m gonna fucking di– .. Oh yeah. Beets.”

It’s amazing the instant calm a good solid mental connection can bring. After untold days of constant battering by emotional waves, it’s as if I found the off switch to the massive shitstorm machine in my little personal universe, simply by putting a 2, and a 2, together. It took days of focused agony and hard, hard work. Is life this fucking difficult for everyone else?

Takes an hour to get anywhere in this city if needing to take more than one bus. Yet, hiking fares again. Dislike.

The process of negotiation, especially of hot-button, deeply emotional topics, is basically fucking heinous. But I gotta say, I’m starting to see how having the well thought out, mutually agreed upon, beaten to death little certificate at the end is worth it.

The sight of shellfish stacked together in a tank makes me irrationally sad, since i dont mind actually eating them. Maybe it’s the incarceration part of it. :(

I am developing this weird habit of sleeping in my clothes, the last few months.

I am pretty certain there is nothing quite like that sinking feeling you get when you drop something important into a toilet full of buttleak.

What do you daydream about the most?

Hey everybody, I just took a dump and it’s shaped like a mountain lion!

Just finished a very productive and inspiring planning meeting for Vita’s next show. Stay tuned.

It gets better, and you’ll like that it does, as much as you want to stay miserable at the moment. #tweetyour16yearoldself

*stares down her bike* Alright, bitch. Today is the day

Just remembered that I slept in the bathtub last night. I recall waking up twice to a cold bath, turning on the hot water to warm up, and falling back to sleep. Yeaaaah. Tequila.

Only I could have the amazing night I had, and still end up sitting in the dark alone thinking about how dark and alone I spend most of my time. Seriously. Only me. *sigh*

Realizing I’ll have about 6 photographers at my birthday. Wardrobe level raised to “Shameless”. Just in case.

I suddenly just had a palpable, visceral craving for a white bread american cheese sandwich with a fuckton of mayo.

I am so grateful to have grown into celebrating my birthday. It’s the day when what I’ve put into the other 364 days since my last, all comes back to me. That’s what my birthday is to me now. <3

I was a bad example, and now I am paying for it.

There. Now, for the first time in a week, I can sleep.

Walked into a busy birthday party not knowing anyone feeling eek. As i sat down, someone in the group mentioned obsidian in passing & i got pointed out. Score.

It’s really nice to support someone coming clean and letting go of things they’ve been hiding. Except of course for the pile of someone elses shit left in your lap. WTF am I supposed to do with this, now? Feh

Is the difference between play/sex more physical, or emotional? Was my mother dressing me up as a whore for Halloween foreshadowing something? Where’s the line between confusion vs. willful withholding? Have I developed an allergy to cooking at home? Is it worth taking 3 hours to email business news individually or do I start sending mass mail? Is my mind going to shut up at some point so I can get some fucking rest?

Don’t ever trust a woman, until she’s dead and deep.

Geeze. Waxing myself would be so much easier with an extra hand.

Go fuck yourself, Clayton. I’m finished hiding from you.

I want my room to be clean. And I don’t want to clean it.

Interestingly enough, I just realized that part of the reason I stopped going out and dressing up is based on my riding public transit exclusively.

Just spent a half hour on skype with Beau, looking up addresses of places he’s been in Paris and street-viewing them. Neat!

I’ve just put together my outfit for my first time at The Grind, which will be this week. Hole E. Shit.

Sometimes it seems impossible to maintain my boundaries without feeling anxious and small about how a person is going to respond to my doing so.

You know what I hate? Having to take a crap just after I took a bath. Yup. Hate that.

Oprah, if you don’t stop calling it a god damn fucking VA JAY JAY I’m going to ensure you get drug into the street and fucking SHOT IN THE FACE!

It just occurred to me to compare my fear of converting into an unstoppable sadist by exploring my controlling desires with the poor misguided straight guy who thinks if he lets his woman put a finger in his ass it might make him gay

God. Being vulnerable is so fucking hard.

It appears masturbation is still one of my foremost coping mechanisms.

What would it mean for you to find that life, the universe and all its happenings, are in fact totally random?

So look, all your feelings, that fucking hurricane of them, are valid.

Fuck it. I’m me and that’s me and I cope how I cope and I try hard. I trust my intentions and I trust how I think and I bust my ass to improve myself and be honest and as fair as I possibly can and sometimes things just kinda suck and sometimes things trip me up but they always change and get better and evolve and I’m not fucking afraid this time. *checks watch* 6 hours. That’s probably a record of some kind.

I feel like such a fucking idiot right now.

Its a strange world when neecam is the subtle way to express how i feel

Regina Spektor intimidates me. There. I said it.

Every once in a while, I will look twice at a pop-culture word I’ve seen used and vaguely understood but never really known the definition of, and look it up. Todays word: zeitgeist.

I am currently reading an article investigating the depression-fighting effects of semen. Huh. Welp, that would explain it!

I think I have transcended some kind of self-imposed musician block I’ve had. I am currently learning, through a lot of practice, an original song that is a fair clip beyond my skill level to play. And getting there, too. I blame Pillow Fortress.

Knowledge is knowing that the tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Sometimes wonders if people have any idea how fucking retarded they’re acting.

Your story moves me.

Why the fuck do I sit around and worry about this stupid shit.

My farts are crazy heinous today.

Down to a bandaid. Time to toughen this little guy up a bit.

What is your deepest instinct? Are you following it?

I think there is a correlation to confiding my history and motivations and deep desires to a person romantically that I associate on a deep level with the acceptance that many people have found through their parents. Not sure how to articulate it better than that, it’s literally just an atmospheric notion that hit me at dinner tonight.

I *HATE* this room.

Even now, in my ripe old age, I still think it’s utterly cool as shit that Kurt went on TV and announced that Courtney Love, of the sensational pop group Hole, was the best fuck in the world.

I say we hunt down whoever decided rear clasp bras deserved the majority stakehold in the thoracic undergarment industry and shoot them in the face. Who’s with me?

I can eat with both hands! AND I can wash my face! AND I can look over my shoulder!

ER visit: expensive, Time off work: Expensive, Medications: Not as expensive as I thought, Waking up ravenous after 15 hours of sleep and sniffing out a 2 day old double chocolate trophy cupcake sitting on my desk and eating the fucking shit out of that fucker: Priceless.

Arm is looking awesome. Healing very well, no hint of infection and the seeping is almost gone. How it feels, however, is another story…

ok. Ow. :(

just made 7 point turn rolling over in bed.

4 hours sleep, artistic exuberance, chemical burned eyeballs, 17 miles biked, laying a beautiful instrument to rest, a wonderful show, topped with kisses under the sliver of a nearly new moon. Full day. <3

The yoga therapist I sublet from is not only responsive, chill and fun, he wants to get a larger nicer office (same bldg) next month without upping my portion of the rent! I also heard back about an awesome room and go look at it on Monday.

*sigh* Thank you for listening, universe.

Just turned over my old office key and it feels fucking good.

Trotting out of nordstrom with new frilly, sale underwear, beaming.

I have a horrible sick feeling in my stomach that I haven’t felt in a couple years. I don’t like it.

No, i didnt eat all of these. I spread them out to choose one and liked the photo op. Dunno what you bitches are complaining about. Spiked drinks are fun!

Feeling calm, elegant and nurturing today. Ahhhh.. The hard-won rewards are totally the best.

In matters of the heart, the line between confession and disclosure can be deceptively fine.

Oh what a tangled web we weave..

Just played wish you were here with a former cellist on the bus singing harmony. No one can resist the ukulelez!!! :)

Holy dear god the bus stinks today. Daaayum.

Testing update from my phone

Looks like i have an updating solution while on the road. Neet.

Test from contact list

My backpack now contains not only a swiss army knife and a can of aqua net, but a ukulele as well. I even signed it. Because i am weird.

OMG first order from sock dreams in over a year arrived today OMG OMG SQUEEEE socks SQUEEEE!!

Woke up from strange sex dreams in a night sweat and covered in blood. This is a raw steak kind of day.

I should NOT be able to smell that that was a fish truck that just drove by. Agh.

Milk Thistle = Ordered.

So partial to memory, the pearls of our dead.

Singing my FUCKING FOOL GRUMPY SCORN ASS OFF

Though we don’t speak, and i still hate you, I am thankful for your lessons, today. They saved me. Again. But fuck you, anyway. Fuck you anyway.

Suddenly realizing, while our new roommate plays our piano: One of the precious few, cherished childhood memories I have, is of my mothers piano practicing lofting through our house, and how I could tell if she was sad or happy by how and what she played.

Pirates of the Caribbean – The curse of the Black Pearl, by Klaus Badelt. Track 5, Swords Crossed. Epic.

A grip. I needs it.

Imagining what you can learn about a person by eavesdropping on their bathing rituals… #bathtubthoughts

Since the hawk, I’ve been carrying around a can of Aqua Net in my backpack. It just struck me how god damn punk rock that is. Hah.

Hearing your music lofting from someone elses room = The best kind of bizarre.

Fun top story this week! http://www.hackernews.com/2010/08/08/hnncast-2010-08-06/

I want to be part of an event the entire world celebrates at once. I want to know what the static in that air feels like.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-rowe/what-it-says-about-us-whe_b_671373.html

Thankful for the misty grey. Also: gatorade.

I am so strong… Until i’m .. Not

Weaving through the caphill skeeze, inception soundtrack, big black boots and a motherfucking mohawk.

Having a mohawk makes it considerably more complex to catch a cat nap

wow. you know you’re a little warped if you find yourself sorting through your old personal websites. christ i’ve put a lot of shit on this thing. seriously. wow.

god dammit. I’m so tired of having to burrow into my asshole for a clean wipe! Regulate already! Fuck! #vegasshits

This just in: There are PEOPLE on this EARTH who WANT to help me perform MY music: AND, I’ve FOUND them!! OMG!

argh my god trying to re-learn my songs is a fucking pain in the ass.

There is a woman across from me, quietly crying on the bus. Greatest show of strength i’ve seen all day. I’ll remember this the next time that woman is me.

Tree of life/Obsidian tango making my skin crawl. Still.

The best things in life aren’t things.

having a rough day. Accepting hugs.

Amazed both at how well my body held up this weekend and how exhausted i am. Basic math says 3 days, 9 hrs sleep, ~15 drinks, 18 hrs massage.

Leaving Las Vegas. TSA was combing over my bag looking perplexed. Figured it was the ninja badge. Turned out to be the etheopian leftovers

How many hackers does it take to open a massage table? 3 If it’s Sunday at Defcon. Durrr.

Holy shit ninja party, also: holy shit. I would like to go on record as saying ballcon at rumor was emphatically not my fault. Nope.

‎8 Hour massage day ending with tag team body walking on a deserving goon. Heaven. Seriously. Heaven.

P.p.s. Omg i have a mohawk

P.s. Thank you vodka redbull

Ok Ladies, wtf am i the only female to get a mohawk in support of the EFF?

Ugh. Brought the wrong contact solution and found out the hard way. Ouch doesnt cover it.

For those keeping track, the kraken black spiced rum broke me at 4 hours in vegas. The label alone made it worth it. Pix to follow when i get home.

Second hack of the weekend, coverting a chunk of cardboard from a 12 pack into a spoon.

First hack of the trip – stapling my skirt back together at the departing gate.

As I age, my chin hairs are becoming increasingly obnoxious.

It is the end of an era. I am packing zero corsets for Defcon.

just listened to “Please don’t” again – and realized that she was actually pleading to herself.

A little gambling is fun when you’re with me

You’re sending 7 letters. Letters that could take you far away. You know where you hope these letters will take you, but you can’t be sure…

has decided to ride home in her bikini and black and white skull/crossbone kneesocks.

Getting off the sauce.

I have created… a band? Whoa!

The details are filling in, I’m days away from a script outline, and I feel the ball of vibrating energy rise in my chest every time I listen to the music. I want this show to plow right through anyone who’s fortunate enough to see it. That’s my goal; And I tend to get what I want.

Definition: The best and brightest thing in your universe?

There is something delightfully exhilarating in catching someone who’s tried to pull a little something over on me. I’ll bet it’s the hacker/PI background. Sooo satisfying. I see ALL. Mwuahahah! … Mwuahahah!!!

Ironic insomnia after seeing Inception = worth the new reference to that “I’m gonna fall” feeling that jolts you out of sleep. Also; men in suits. Rowr.

Inception. Holy shit.

Wow. Super naked and raw feeling today. I hope it isn’t hot, cause either way, I’m dressing in layers.

woke up to a mix tape from her roommate. life is good!

yeah let ‘em feast my heart is big my heart is big my blood will slide

not a lot I can think of that’s more frustrating than not being able to find your pain killers when you need them.

Say we all knew the world would crumble to nothing by sundown tomorrow. Where would you be trying to get to?

leaving.

When the Montlake bridge happens to be up on my way home, I really enjoy walking in the middle of the vacant street. It’s sorta like the Apocalypse has arrived, and the city is now mine. Really felt that way today, as I was barefoot and it was really hot. #littlethings

Walking into my neighborhood quickiemart to the regular cashier greeting me with his usual “Hey, Trouble.” = Not quite a day saver, but it helps.

Whether you’re happily in love or whether you’re unhappily in love, you’re still in love.

My candyapple red electric black and decker teapot, which can’t be more than a year old maybe, periodically leaks (all over my desk) for no apparent reason. Bummed.

Seriously, I spent 3 days on the beach in Nice and barely got golden, I spent an hour by the water yesterday without a sweatshirt and my shoulders and chest are pink?

Anyone have experience with compact/portable guitars? I’d like to have one at the office, for times like these when people don’t show up and I’m not into scrambling to fill the session.

Did you know that cockroach eggs smell? I did not.

I think I just gave myself whiplash by jerking my head around to the music I’m planning to use in my next show. Hrm. Good sign?

I have created: Hummus! And it is ridiculously awesome. Screw you, dried dogshit paste, otherwise known as tahini! I don’t need you! I don’t need anyone! Mwuahahaha!! MWUAHAHAHA!!!

Ugh. My head is so full. Someone take me out for lava cake.

slept in my makeup. ugh.

trained for about 7 hours today, with a break for food in the middle. Ice. Bath

So far today I’ve had solid, penetrating visions for a song, a painting, two drawings, and an aerial act. It’s all golden and I’ve managed to get none of it out because my skills don’t reflect what I can think up. I feel like I’m a fucking mediocre hack at everything I do. I’m certain I’m PMSing and I felt fine this morning. Meltdown. Die in a car fire. Agh.

6/29/2010 – air, wheels, butternut squash, crosswalks, spelt, milk, babeland, nerves, eyelids, electricity

enjoying a newfound appreciation for Craigslist. Tee. Hee.

so many headlights out

Anyone getting a 4 want to give me their 3* iPhone? I’d like to conduct an experiment.

WTF, Hersheys, even your pure cocoa powder tastes like satan piss. How DO you do it?

Oh, the things I could accomplish with a serger..

Fuck yes! Netflix has “This is it” available for streaming! Sewing and movie watching tonight it is!

navigating the lonely for a better long run

This year seems to be going by fast. Perhaps it is because though the year is already half over, it still feels like fucking March outside.

biked just over 22 miles today

had an awesome day at work.

Sorry, NPR. I’ve been way too irritable since switching to you in avoidance of the KEXP membership drive. I prefer the looming sense that the world is going to shit to knowing for sure that it is. No hard feelings. XOXO

Kitchen knife through the thumbnail

From voting to hunt whales to implying that a dollar amount can be applied to the destruction of the Gulf – and the inconclusive, vague threat that BP will have to pay it – I’m getting pretty fucking sick of Obamas spineless stream of impotent bullshit. What a hoax of a leader. We got snowed.

Avery, my besties newborn, is magical, and can morf into a spraying shit hydrant with ease at 5 days. We laughed so hard there was pee involved. I’m going back for more next week! Life is a trip.

Other than breathing some fuckers thickass perfume the entire flight back, thus wrecking my sinuses, SF was a hoot. Thank you for being you, Frank Ferrante

What would it be like to suddenly poop something cold?

I just signed Artful Touch up for a professional linen service. It’s a trial basis, and also, another milestone!

How would you measure whether you’ve achieved the goal of sharing the transformative power of art with another person?

Excited for the show tonight! Tons of hot acts plus 3 video angles and a still photographer. My stomach is full of butterflies. Fucking each other. Whee!

If I was young, I’d flee this town. I’d bury my dreams underground. Let the season begin.

AHA! 5HTP before bed = being sore in the morning, cause I don’t move an inch the entire night! Mystery solved!

Sorry, I’m allergic to bullshit.

I wonder if humanity was this flavor of depressed and dysfunctional when we were all being born in grass huts.

Not much better in life than stumbling upon pictures of your jerkoff ex looking like a total idiot. Orange is not your color, honey. Your friends are lying to you. Just like you lied to me. Except funny, this time.

I hate taking vitamins. Guh.

1:10am – Sit on the computer; get groggy and useless. Lay down; brain spins and guts are tight. I guess Market Spice is a bit more caffeinated than I thought. Ugh.

Left PT today with a bunch of homework and encouragement not to give up aerial just yet.

Trained hard today. Just emerged shivering from an ice bath. In case this is my last one, I’m going to rock the shit out of it.

If you think that time will change your ways; Don’t wait too long.

Some days sure do present more challenges than others.

Frenemy: A person that will continue to bring you down until you demand better for yourself.

The things I could accomplish if I didn’t care what people thought of me.

When I think about the free thinkers who’ve truly changed the world, the only difference between them and me I can continuously pinpoint is that they apparently didn’t let the notion of being ostracized stop them. I most often do what drives me anyway, but it takes a toll on my body and my soul being stressed and anxious about whether I’ll be accepted or even revolted against, and it’s like I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. There are things I haven’t done, like some performances and shows, because they’re just too ‘much’ and I’m remiss to even try while I still feel apologetic about it.

Deciding whether I should ‘warn’ my roommate who’s coming to the show on the 9th that I’ll be performing naked (I didn’t), and suddenly feeling unprepared/critical of my act when I felt alright before, was one thing. Watching “Changling” and realizing that though I really enjoyed the movie and related to the story, I don’t know that I’d have the stomach to suggest I wanted to make a movie about a serial killer who chops kids up while they’re alive, was another thing. They both illuminated how I limit myself based on the feedback I think I’ll get.

Just in case you’re thinking about it, I don’t recommend moving on a day you’re scheduled to give 3 massages in the evening. Guh.

Ah HA! It is not massaging that is messing my wrist up (which was confusing the hell out of me, because I haven’t changed anything I’ve been doing). It’s chopping so many vegetables!

Though mostly only moderately hairy in other ways, I had a client recently who sported a single 7″ hair growing from his lower back. We laughed and marveled. He wanted me to keep it there. Coolest. Client. Ever.

Surely the best time to realize that your beard hairs need plucking is when you notice them while editing pictures from a recent shoot.

As expected: Wheat bread is a no-no. Stuffed up and dehydrated today.

Man, all these dead people lately. You’d think it was inevitable, or something.

I would rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not; However, there is a lot of life and relationship that happens in between.

It’s a “Take no bullshit” kinda day.

Sweet potato < Banana, in a smoothie.

I am choosing to trust that much of the wildlife in the Gulf will adapt.

Such a hard time getting up this morning. Ugh.

The water in my last two baths has appeared dark and kinda murky from the faucet. Anyone else in Seattle noticing changes in their water lately?

Any man who makes a point of driving women apart is profiting from it – and you probably won’t find out how by asking HIM.

YES!!!! YEEES!!! IT WORKS!!! IT FUCKING WORKS!!! AHAHAHAHA!1!!! AHahaAHAha!!!!

Today, I enjoyed a leisurely sunny bike ride to give an awesome massage to an awesome lady, learned a bunch of stuff about PHP, then got soaked on my ride home catching raindrops on my tongue while listening to songs. like. these.

:)

I hate you, PHP!! Why is my array empty?! WHY?!! AAggh!! AAAGGH!!

Yay! Informative error messages! Finally! It helps to actually call the functions you create. *Headdesk*

Agh! Rogue kleenex in the dark wash! Nooo!

I would so rather spend money on healthy food, than on pills to deal with the side effects of cheap eating.

Does anyone else experience a burning, acid-like sensation on their tongue eating currants? Maybe it’s the combo of currants and pineapple? My tongue literally feels burned. Eek.

Niiice! $40 tip! *flexes*

LOL’d multiple times while recording HNN spots this morning. Such a fun gig. It’s good to be back.

Sorry for all the posts guys, I’m testing a finicky update plugin. The reposts should stop soon. Thanks.

Though they say very clearly one per person (and to tip generously), a woman just emailed wanting to schedule with a second Groupon. And, she was rude. I’ll get right on that.

I found by accident today that you can poach salmon from frozen to delicately cooked in a running water bath. Fancy that.

testing private status update

is trying to code, and as usual, it’s a fucking train wreck. When will I ever learn.

“Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction” – Antoine de Saint-Exupery

In general, my emotional tides are less extreme when I am not sexually active.

What is the strongest memory-inducing sense for you? Mine is scent.

When I was younger, people thought I was older; Now that I’m older, people think I am younger.

I thought when I first bought it that $14 for a neti pot was spendy. Now, though, I’m pretty sure the thing is invaluable.

How disorienting and painful it would be if we had more than our own perceptions in our heads?

I wonder if parents force their religion on their kids because they don’t think they can be influential enough on their own mortal merits.

What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?

Namaste, motherfucker.

Is having bad drug trips is an indication that you’re carrying around guilt for things?

The driver really does make or break the ride.

I wonder how the makeup industry is changing in film with the advent of the ridiculously invasive HD cameras

The hate is a lie.

I’ve noticed that I have a hard time getting to sleep when I’ve been procrastinating something, even if I have absolutely no intention of doing it in the time I’m wasting not resting when I’m tired.

Neecam has had the same backend since 1995

How do those tiny little cat poops smell so RAGING FUCKBALLS AWFUL?

Forcing peace and community creates neither.

what monsters we would be, if we were incapable of pain or decay?

Asked Alice; Heard crickets. Wait for DVD.

I am sad today. But wherever you go.. there you are. You know?

Big men cry.

Geek? We prefer the term “Intellectual Bad Ass”.

Last night I fell asleep like I was never going to wake up

The best self-improvement possible is cutting the time between knowing you should do it and doing it. – @lukemckinney

Blast from the past – a panoramic view of my old studio http://www.vrseattle.com/pages/browse.php?cat_id=560

Hurray for action packed BATMAN DREAMS!

What makes a man?

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” ~ Neale Walsh

I wonder how much time the average person spends impaled on the fine line between love and hate.

“Anyone can become angry — that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way — this is not easy.” – Aristotle

Say you died today. Do you have someone in your life whom you would want to compose and read your eulogy? More importantly: Do they know?

“I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can’t see from the center.” Kurt Vonnegut

Sometimes I wish my emotion chip were removable

“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” – Krishnamurti.

got dressed up, choked a bitch, bruised my crotch. Happy birthday!