I’m Courtnee. I talk a lot, write a lot, take pictures, screw with computers, and make stuff.
I aim to explore what it is to exist, and I tend to face the experience of living head on. I am more interested in the truth of life than in comfort. I focus a lot of effort figuring out what’s really going on below — mostly me, sometimes you. I value being truly seen and I think the most basic element to having that is to know myself and present it authentically.
Personal growth is a core element in how I live. I am also highly invested in the growth of others, it’s a theme which permeates most aspects of my work in the world. I really dig people who have the drive, insight, and balls to truly transform themselves throughout the course of their lives, and I like to remind and inspire people toward their abilities in doing so.
I’m an independent, strong woman who likes being taken to dinners. Though I’m largely an open book as to my life situation and thoughts, my squishy, vulnerable trust is earned, not freely given. I tend to take the ones I’ve bonded with along with me as my small circle of chosen family. Tea makes me happy, as does the impossibly soft bunnyfur on my awesome chirpy cat, and the occasional simplicity of a big breath of fresh air.
I like to cuss, overshare, and tell it like it is. I think incessant politeness is greatly overvalued. I doubt it’s coincidence that every truly despicable fucker I’ve known employs it in spades to draw people in.
I’m perceptive, complex, and thoughtful. I’m also sarcastic, dark, wicked sexy and fucking hilarious. People who dislike me probably find me self absorbed, bossy, crude, arrogant, cold and hypocritical.
‘The task of art is to turn tears into knowledge’. – Schopenhauer
I’ve found art and performance to be my main forms of coping, as well as inspiring those around me, and artistically find that I am a jack of many trades. Due to my experience with that I co-founded Vita Arts in 2009, an WA state 501(c)(3) arts non-profit which furthers the artistic reach of others. I teach and perform circus aerial with Versatile Arts in Seattle, and I own/operate Artful Touch, a 5-star rated massage practice in Pioneer Square, which is how I pay my bills.
Most of the content of this website, which I have administrated in various incarnations since 1995, is self created, including the design and the images. I say ‘most’ because over time I’ve adopted a CMS, I occasionally post links to things that aren’t my creations, and sometimes get script and plugin help when I hit a snag.
I’ve been documenting my existence online since long before comapnies had urls or people called their online journals “blogs”. I was resistant for many years to joining any social network in favor of sticking to my own little corner of the internet. Over time and cultural shifts I’ve softened that stance, however ultimately I still have a hand in directing almost all aspects of the art I produce and I like it that way, even with the limitations that sometimes invites.
In modeling I tend to do my own hair/makeup, styling, and frequently bring the concept of the project as well. I enjoy self photography and working alone. Many of the modeling photos I have are self photographed. My music, which I have been producing since 1999, is traditionally created and mastered solo, and self-released.
In recent years I’ve been creating in groups, starting with The Obsidian Show in 2008 which included a large cast of nearly 40 people, and HASML (How Art Saved My Life), an integrated workshop and show I directed for Vita Arts. Most recently I experienced this with Embodied in 2011 in which I worked with a sound and lighting engineer to put on the one-person show which showcased my music and aerial skills.
I have such been forming a community of supportive, talented people that enable me to do more with my work in the world, which generally revolves around art and self expression. As someone who has generally been an expressive loaner, and has utilized the internet since childhood to mask my vulnerability and yet still reach for people, this recent chapter of community in my life has been very rewarding as well as puzzling, challenging, and downright scary at times.
Words to describe
open, tough, complex, dramatic, intelligent, observant, powerful, self-conscious, trustworthy, irritable, craves attention, low self control, emotionally sensitive, thoughtful, original, inventive, a thinker, eccentric, out-of-touch, unique, able, aggressive, organized, unpredictable, gifted, chameleon, suspicious, bold, outgoing, proud, neurotic, charming, vain, elemental, makes friends easily, enjoys leadership, intolerant, understanding, insecure, perceptive, emotional, outgoing, independent, witty, brave, irrational, idealistic, vigorous, animated, cynical, soulful, distant, warm, caring, complex, truthful, impatient, extroverted, indulgent, collaborative, spontaneous, energetic, searching, controlling, moody, dark, contemplative, intuitive, musical, artistic, creative, funny, strong, amazing, unforgettable.
You are more powerful than what was done to you.
I share myself pretty openly, in large part due to the catharsis I have felt as a result of seeking out integrity, and the difference in my life made by other people who share themselves similarly.
At one time, this website was called phuqed.org, and I spent most of my time here complaining and being scared. I manage and often struggle with the realities of what is known as Borderline Personality Disorder, having endured many difficult times in my life that have shaped and sharpened who I am today. For that I am (usually) thankful, of my battle scars and the perspective won through pain, which I unravel and write about rather freely. Having come very far in the journey of loving myself, I’m in a relatively good place now emotionally and spiritually, and in the same vein, I have a lot of work left to do.
My existence has not always been confident and, largely, fulfilled. Many of my years were very dark and hopeless feeling. I’ve contemplated and attempted suicide in my past, struggled with substance abuse and severely debilitating emotional challenges in my life. You are not alone, and it gets better. In addition to a couple good therapists over the years, some great friends, asking some hard questions and a lot of writing, here are some books that helped me get where I am now:
“Escaping Emotional Entrapment” – Daniel Rutley
“The Courage to Trust” – Cynthia L. Wall, LCSW
“The Relationship Cure” – John M Gottman, Ph.D.
“Control Theory” – William Glasser
“The Power of Now” – Eckhart Tolle
