I could potentially be enticed to keep at learning how to write music down if I had one of these to do it with.

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May 4, 2012, 1:05 pm in public
I could potentially be enticed to keep at learning how to write music down if I had one of these to do it with.
December 19, 2011, 7:02 pm in public
I just spent the last 2+ hours compiling a profit and loss statement for the Swedish Medical Center, of which I am requesting charity medical care so we can get CT scans of my sinuses and brain. This would be, at the best of times, a trying task for me; Math on its own avoids my grasp, and formatting documents isn’t far behind how daunting math is, so put the two of them together and I’m squinting fiercely trying to keep track and constantly having to rework things. I got it done, and though it wasn’t the easiest or most comfortable thing to be doing right now, I am immensely appreciative of having to do it. Here’s why: Though I’ve improved over the years, I still have a hard time seeing past being sick. Which makes the frequency of illness in my life especially damaging and annoying. This time hasn’t been any different, and I’ve had other things going on in my life as well to be down about, so mostly, I’ve been slow and mopey inside. What this statement showed me is about what I expected: I have profited, after expenses but before taxes and living costs, just shy of $11,000 this year. But my reaction to it wasn’t what I expected. My jaw would have dropped if I hadn’t been clenching it for the last 2 hours; what I found notable about that fact, is the reasons why that had flooded into my head. In 2011, I:
I have lived a LOT of life this year. A lot. And I don’t go hungry, I don’t live in squalor, I don’t have to sell myself on a street corner for rent, I don’t have to stress about feeding a family or insuring a car or put up with abuse. And I was reminded of earlier today, as I was considering on the bus ride home from my testing of all the possibilities that could lie ahead of me; if I ended up finding out something crazy, something like I had a brain tumor and a year to live, there is very, very little that I would do differently in the time I had left. Very, very little. My world — this utterly beautiful, ruthless, gentle, amazing, infuriating, incredible world, is literally brimming with generosity, like my eyes are brimming with tears right now. It is utterly staggering, and a relief to me, to finally feel something other than frustration, hopelessness, jealousy and failure when I look dead on at how much money I make for my incessant, hard work. Money is symbolic for me in some negative way. I’ve touched on it in therapy before and haven’t quite figured out what it is yet, but I know that my relationship and self imposed barriers surrounding money are a source of deep personal struggle for me. I suspect it goes beyond simply being frustrated consistently lacking the resources to do the work I want to do in the world, and not having a stable home base to do it in. Though, those two things are pretty big obstacles, all on their own. It is a relief in this moment to feel such a deep gratitude among the pain, disability and loneliness I’ve felt these last few weeks after my health deteriorated. And it feels so, so fucking good, to look back on all the people, past and present, that have made this small, complex, vibrant little life of mine such a worthwhile experience. …and I don’t think I’m going to have any problem, getting the tests done that I need. Thank you. December 18, 2011, 11:52 pm in public
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Finding myself in the odd position of discovering I’ve been judged for being openly polyamorous. It’s sad and uncomfortable to me to know that, but I’m also incredibly grateful for the amazing, diverse community of accepting, loving people in my life. You guys make it easy to forget how rare that actually is. Thank you. ♥ August 9, 2010, 1:55 pm in updates
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I want to be part of an event the entire world celebrates at once. I want to know what the static in that air feels like. May 16, 2010, 11:23 pm in updates
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“Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction” – Antoine de Saint-ExuperyMay 12, 2010, 1:43 pm in public
Published on May 04, 2000 Sunday, April 30, 2000 Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I’ve taken enough from you good people. I’m tired of your foolish rhetoric about the “homosexual agenda” and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny. My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay. He never professed to be gay or had any association with anything gay, but he had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the other boys. He was called “fag” incessantly, starting when he was 6. In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn’t bear to continue living any longer, that he didn’t want to be gay and that he couldn’t face a life without dignity. You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don’t know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn’t put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it’s about time you started doing that. At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won’t get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don’t know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn. If you want to tout your own morality, you’d best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it. For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I’m puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something you have chosen, that you could change it at will? If that’s not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can? A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul a Vermonter, so I’ll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for “true Vermonters.” You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for this great country, saying that they didn’t give their lives so that the “homosexual agenda” could tear down the principles they died defending. My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II, was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart. He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live. He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one. One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all. That wasn’t the measure of the man. You religious folk just can’t bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities that he should request the right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance. How dare he? you say. These outrageous requests would threaten the very existence of your family, would undermine the sanctity of marriage. You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin. The deep-thinking author of a letter to the April 12 Valley News who lectures about homosexual sin and tells us about “those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing” asks: “What ever happened to the idea of striving . . . to be better human beings than we are?” Indeed, sir, what ever happened to that? Sharon Underwood’s e-mail is: sundervt@hotmail.com. I had the chance to speak with her yesterday. Her son is doing fine now, the first in his family to graduate from college. March 25, 2010, 9:03 pm in public
Sometimes it hits me that I’m really going! I get this wave of awesome that sweeps across my skin, and permeates into my core. I get this happy, calm, purposeful feeling. Lots of good things going on for me now. It’s the 25th and I am stable, focused, energetic. I think the maca is helping me, the awareness and attention as well. I’m finally well after a massive sickness, in which I discovered whole heartedly that I will indeed survive being bedridden ill without a partner to care for me. I’m connecting again with my body, my focus, my dreams (literally) and my rhythm. Remembering that I do know how to love myself, and that I’ve done it before.
Additionally, I’m reading “The Wise Wound” by Penelope Shuttle and Peter Redgrove. It took a bit to get into, it’s written in a manner that diverges from my aesthetic. I can tell it’s making a huge difference in how I perceive myself as a woman, and how that relates to my experience of life. If every person, male or female, read this and took away a few nuggets of perspective, I think the world would be a much more reasonable place. Even better if every person had the inclination to read empowering things like this. I’m even beginning to enjoy being alone! No wandering eye! I can spread out on my whole bed! I have to wash my sheets less often cause I don’t have another person mucking up the bed with me! I sleep soundly! And I LOVE waking up with my cat, who sleeps under my arm religiously, like a wing, sharing my heating pad with me. This is about the time when someone has come along to fuck it all up, historically. Some tasty, emphatically irresistible obstacle course to frolick within. Not this time. I’m off the market until 2011, and that’s if you’re lucky. It may even be longer than that depending on how much fun I’m having. It’s a relief to be connected, again. February 15, 2010, 5:38 pm in public
I’ll bet this is 50 seconds of your life you won’t be wanting back..
January 29, 2010, 11:49 pm in public
Don’t let another minute of your life slip away before watching this.
January 16, 2010, 5:14 pm in public
I want your everything as long as it’s free.
November 16, 2009, 11:31 pm in public
Well then. If you’re privy to the members only posts, you can read about my graduation dinner at Canlis, and how amazing that was for me and my friend who treated me. I drank a lot more and kissed more people than I did this time. I’ve been one time since then, but in that instance, what happened at Canlis stayed at Canlis. Mostly. :) This time, I went by myself – armed to the teeth with a birthday gift card from Chris, and a $100 bill that some very generous fans left for me after my last night at pink door.
I figured $180 would cover my bill and I’d be able to eat whatever I wanted without having to worry about it. Plus, I resolved to have one cocktail with my first course since I was riding in the wind/rain home, which would help too. I was wrong. The evening started off well enough. I showed up soaking wet on my scooter and got a chuckle out of the valet, who let me know that the same place I parked last time was still acceptable. I was seated immediately at Peter Canlis’ table, where you can see most of the restaurant. I people watched for a while, then brought out my dictionary to work on a personal project. I ordered what I wanted (seared foie gras, the beet salad, and the lamb chops) and successfully freaked out Brian by calling him by name before he made it all the way to my table to say hello. We talked and he mentioned finding me familiar, because I’d met him about 6 months ago or so dining with friends. (Hm, in writing this, it’s occurring to me how lucky I am to have been to this place as often as I have.) I asked him, quite seriously, why he hasn’t hired me to hang from his ceiling yet. I don’t want to jinx anything by saying much about it, but in time, we’ll see what things that might set in motion. Just before my main course arrived, I noticed a girl at the table in front of me nursing her back. I had decided, when I made my reservations for one today, that I would go with my instinct as far as engaging with other people at the restaurant. I headed over and excused myself for prying, and let her know I was a massage therapist and asked her what was up. Turns out she’s a soccer player and is apparently as good about warming up as I am (I’ve got a bum left shoulder right now that’s really pissing me off). I worked on her a bit and small talked with the people at her table, told her about contrast therapy and the importance of warming up before playing soccer and excused myself to my meal that was just arriving – not before most of them insisted on having my card. After dessert (sorbet trio), Brian had stopped back by to check in. I mentioned he had some hot looking boys in the kitchen and boom, I was offered a tour. I got to see the private dining areas, the wine room, the executive dining room for like meetings and stuff, the kitchen and the cool brushed copper grill area. Awesome. It’s actually bigger than I thought it would be. I felt special – even if they do do a few tours a week. When I came back, my check was on the table, or so I thought. I’d just settled in when my server arrived to tell me that the table behind I’d talked with had taken care of my dinner. I stared blankly. I asked her to repeat herself. I stared blankly again. I pointed. “You mean that table?” Said I, pointing to the soccer girls table perhaps 4 feet from mine like it was from another universe. I stared blankly again. Then I got up and approached the man she’d pointed out and said “I think my server just played a trick on me.”. Nope. John and Nancy had bought me my dinner, like glorious little ninjas, while I was off getting my tour. As it turned out, there were 4 birthdays at that table of 7, all celebrating at the same time, and they wanted to include me. Effin Scorpios man, so dramatic. Dramatically AWESOME. Can I get a holy shit? I told them they’d just made my year. They assured me I would be seeing them again, because they have my massage card. On my way out, Jackson, the master of imbibement, was holding my best trenchcoat and scarves open in front of the fire to warm them up. To give you an idea of what fraction of my rent a meal at this place costs, said trenchcoat is nearly 9 years old with a liner that is held together precariously by hot pink duct tape. It’s also missing a button, and has never once been cleaned cause it’s dry clean only. I chuckled with a kind of serene amusement. Sometimes, I think I must be the most charmed sonofabitch on the planet. I looked fucking hot, too. For a 30 year old. :D November 6, 2009, 1:10 pm in public
Looks fucking alive to me. http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009/11/martian_landscapes.html July 19, 2009, 12:48 pm in events
“No matter how enlightened you are, as long as there are people suffering, you still have plenty of work to do.”
What: The first fundraising event for Vita Arts, my new non-profit arts organization Where: Versatile Arts, 7601 Greenwood Ave, Seattle When: Saturday, July 25, 2009 8:00pm – 10:00pm Why? Seems to me, many people spend a long time building their lives into something they can be proud of, something comfortable for them, in order to be safe to accomplish another something that’s bigger than themselves. I have done my fair share of struggling, trying different configurations, playing small and dreaming big. Over the last few years, I’ve contemplated what the bigger thing might be, for me. Sure, I sometimes make people happy with my art. I make money helping other people do cool things, I volunteer, and my financial/geographical footprint is about 15% of what it used to be when I worked for Microsoft. I even turn the water off when I brush my teeth most of the time. But what can I REALLY do to make a difference in life? When it came time for me to serve the world somehow, I found that I wanted to create a non-profit organization to help perpetuate the transformative capabilities inherent in expressing ones self, artistically. To make a space for people to experience the healing opportunities I have had through art in a more tactile, kinesthetic way than I have with my personal offerings of performances, music, paintings and that sort of thing. I know art saves lives, because it saved mine. I’ve seen the results, and heard the stories of others, about the power of artistic expression to heal and transform. Whether it be from seeing it, appreciating it, facilitating it, being it, creating it, failing at it, living it – I maintain that art has the power to touch absolutely everyone. I’ve also seen how sharing myself artistically often effects and inspires people to action. How the experience of art opens people up to expressing life, to telling their once-quiet stories through a medium, helping discover courages and strengths we so often convince ourselves we don’t, or can’t, have. How art helps people face their fears, release difficult emotions, grieve, find direction and purpose. Perhaps most importantly, I have seen how, no matter how bleak and helpless a situation may seem, one small, brave action creates a chain of them. Every time. It’s never too late to choose to make a difference. Vita Arts is sharing the power of art with the disadvantaged and transforming lives. Our performances offer the public a chance to see our skills, and to be moved by the human spirit. Our shows also serve to fund and publicize our outreach efforts, working with individuals in small workshops, giving them a chance to experience creating art for themselves, perhaps for the very first time. We are starting local, with two public performances and a workshop being planned in 2009 alone. We look forward to expanding our efforts in the coming years by collaborating with other organizations (such as disaster relief orgs, loss support groups, and those helping reform the incarcerated) to offer transformative art experiences to the disadvantaged of all ages, around the world. Come find out more about who we are, what we’re doing, see a great show, and best of all, help make a difference. Please note: If you are unable to attend this event and wish to support us, we are gratefully accepting donations. Provisional 501(c)(3) status is in the works, and will backdate once approved for tax deduction purposes. You may send donations to Vita Arts, PO box 20233, Seattle, WA 98102. Thank you, so much, for your support. July 16, 2009, 1:46 am in public
I feel fortunate and full today. I am going to DEFCON this year. I just received my itinerary from whitetras and it’s official. I’m bringing someone important to me to show him vegas for the first time. I first went in 1995, when I was 15 and neck deep in linux, drugs and Marlboro Reds, and I’d recently discovered this thing called the web, and frequently picked fights about Slackware being superior to RedHat. I recall, during a recent move, finally throwing away my Slackware 2.7 CD which I had been keeping for posterity. I went to defcon religiously for a time, my entire social network of people living inside a computer. I didn’t know most of their real names. I spent night after late night online tinkering, listening to music for the jilted generation (come to think of it, I think someone I talked to used ‘jilted’ as a handle..) and waiting for the next defcon, so I could see all these people in person again – and hardly remember most of it. When I got a little older, I started playing with music, and joined mp3.com in 1997. The internet was still like the wild west and we were changing everything. My hacker friends helped me choose my juno 106 (thanks tfish) and hooked me up with equipment to make recording easier (tip of the hat to you whiteknight). After I created my first original song in 1999, on the floor of my living room, juno fresh out of its shipping box, paid for with my job breaking software at Microsoft, I started making a little money with CD sales and streams on mp3.com. I was interviewed with ABCNews for an article on female hackers, and later about my music being online, based on a recommendation from Jeff Moss, assuring the reporter (Sascha, another person I’ve kept in touch with) I was definitely not a scene whore. I’m not sure how accurate that assurance was, but it sure felt good at the time. I still boast that Jeff pierced my navel, under mild duress in my studio apartment, sometime in 1999. That sounds pretty scene whorish to me, but who am I to say. Maybe we were just, you know.. friends. Countless things have happened since my first defcon, and my introduction to the hacker community. My first website complete with a blue satin background and ripped off animated fire gifs was created in 1995, hosting a splattering of terrible teenage poetry. In 1997, Lars from the IRC channel #suicide sent me a black and white quickcam, and the neecam was put online, one of the first webcams during the era of Jennicam and Anacam, both of which were more popular, active and racy. I’ve occasionally contemplated what my life would have been like had I never discovered the internet and been part of a revolution. I can’t fathom it. I can’t fathom how I could have possibly found another pool of socially awkward, skinny, pale, wide-eyed geniuses to have sloppy, dysfunctional teenage relationships with either. One of many reasons I am very thankful that my life turned out how it did. I happened upon this awesome article about some of my friends. The L0pht is a fine example of what’s happened with this culture of misfits and criminals, but this is something that’s happened all over the landscape we built 10 years ago and long before that. I remember writing a rant about the difference between the hackers, my friends, and the script kids that were getting all the bad press, writing worms and breaking websites for attention. The hackers meant for what’s described in this article to happen from the beginning. They were out to change the world.
I’m so very proud of my friends, and feel fortunate today to have had these people in my life as examples. Hell, just today I discovered a hacker friend of mine, Josh Klein (who I met after handles weren’t quite so important to ones safety, so I don’t know his) was not only the speaker in a TED talk, some of the most amazing presentations on the planet, but was in Oprah fucking magazine talking about his passions and experiments. My peeps are DOING something. I, too, am out there doing my part to make a dent in the universe. I support a company I believe in as I make my base living to earn the stable springboard life situation I’ve built to do my more risky work. I’ve found a way to channel my compulsion to express and tell vivid stories, and the skills I’ve picked up along the way, toward a non-profit that matters. I have done some meaningful things, and I am growing, expanding, discovering new routes and possibilities nearly every day. I’ve come a long way from the girl who was found passed out under a van before defcon 6 had even started. For a time, I wondered if my life choices, and the people I spent time with, were the reason I seemed so fucked up and constantly struggling. I wonder 15 years later, if they’re a part of the reason that, right now, I’m not. June 15, 2009, 11:12 pm in public
I suppose it’s normal for me to look to familiar things when it’s time to be sad. And for a time not long ago, it seemed I was rarely sad about else but you. I guess that’s why I made a point to try to think about you when I felt melancholy today. To dig into whatever it is that’s left of us. I do that once in a while. Just to see. Peculiar how far away it all is now. When I try to recall the intensity, I can’t. I was so tormented by it, and the loss of it, once. Now, even when I want to lure that feeling back, it’s gone. I am struck to realize I don’t really remember your eyes, or the shape of your face, or how it felt when you touched me. Even in the same skyrise, overlooking the short path to what used to be the home you permeated, I can’t recall you in any tangible, satisfying way. I can’t recall what it felt like to walk home to you. There is a vague sense of the magnitude of some other world vibrating out there. That’s all that appears to be left. I haven’t thanked you for much of late. But I’ve found something. Sometimes, we can go on missing people for ages, even a lifetime, heartsick and limping and forlorn. Sometimes we are haunted, for no rational reason and no effectual gain. Trapped by what could have been, or what we may never have again. So thank you, sincerely, for having been a person so easy not to miss. May 14, 2009, 10:13 pm in public
And here I thought I had chosen serial monogamy in committed relationships throughout my life because I was just too fragile and wasn’t capable of the self esteem to handle anything else. It sure did bug me, though, cause I had lots of fantastic ideas for many different kinds of things. Recent events have shined quite a different light on that belief. Now I’m beginning to wonder if what I felt I couldn’t handle was more along the lines of lack of communication and manipulation. Aha. Also; I <3 New York.
Hizzuh! April 28, 2009, 3:24 pm in public
I hope these videos go as viral as I think they will…
There’s also world versions of: “One Love” http://vimeo.com/3097281 |
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