Neevita.net

This is likely to be an unpopular opinion of mine. I am writing this from the viewpoint of a cockhound of a woman who is fucking sick of pressuring herself to tolerate porn in her sexual partnerships.

Not a lot of sexually adventurous, attractive, sexually experienced and somewhat kinky people openly express a dislike for porn, in my experience, but here I am. And most of the people I hang with are sex positive, and know me to be the same. Which, I also am. And, with few exceptions, I generally dislike porn. Under the right circumstances, I dislike porn a lot.

That’s been a rough, conflicting, 16 year old road to travel to come to this place. I’m fully capable and enjoy the shit out of fucking like a porn star. I love sex, much like the precious few porn performers who do it for that same reason. I like erotic art, I pose for erotic art, I perform erotic art, I’m sexy, I’m sexual, I swallow like a fucking champ. Ask anyone I’ve dated seriously and they will tell you I’m a fucking force of nature in the sack.

In my romantic relationships I want to consistently compete with dramatized airbrushed sex professionals about as much as most men who value and commit to their sexual skills want to compete with a 10″ cock that spurts diamonds. Rather, I like being a woman that transforms a guys maintenance porn habit into a real, vital, connected sex life for us both. (Note: I don’t actually give a shit about diamonds.)

There are times when porn is totally ok, and enjoyable. There are times when I quite enjoy it myself. When a person has no sexual partner as motivation is an obvious freebee. As a shared bonding experience with a partner is another. As humor, because christ, most of it is awful. As education. As a means of personal exploration. As an occasional indulgence, a lazy way of giving yourself a hand, or documenting your sexy awesomeness. As a way to get closer to a fantasy that should stay a fantasy. There are more, but I think you get the picture.

I mostly hear that porn is only a problem if it hinders your ability to physically fuck your girlfriend, or if you’d turn down a fuck from your girlfriend to watch porn instead, or other such clear, dibilitating scenarios. In my experience the corrosive potential in substantial porn use is much more subtle and sinister than that level of simplicity. The men I’ve been involved with who have considered porn a significant fixture in their sexuality were also inconsistent, lazy lovers and poorly motivated and/or able to grow as sex partners, and I don’t think that was a coincidence.

Whether tackled head on with conversations and exploration or ignored and silently suffered, I think unhealthy use of porn and the disabling effects of it happen a lot more often than people admit or want to think about. It sure as shit isn’t hard to find examples of how the mainstream porn industry is churning out disconnected, terrible lovers by the fapping fuckpile on google these days, but in my community of often edgy and sex savvy friends it’s rampant and thought of highly, so largely I’ve been quiet about how much the stuff just fucking pisses me off.

One of my good friends, an amazingly intelligent, kinky, connected, thoughtful person, recently said this during a discussion of porn and how its rampant use is effecting the sexual view of a lot of men out there:

“That’s a toughie. So many guys in our generation are hooked on it. I’ve just made my peace with it and learned to incorporate it into sex. Otherwise, constant battle”

Ugh. This caused me to wonder. How many sexually provocative women out there stuff down their dissatisfaction, and the disconnection their men have with the potential of their sexuality? How many women who I’ve found threatening and perceived to be elevated over me are saying they like and are comfortable with porn when they’re actually not? How many sexual relationships are limping or stale because a tool is instead being used as a crutch?

As the most extreme example of many, I was once in a committed relationship with someone who, in addition to being fascinated by porn and the women who perform in it, save for a few isolated incidents, was incapable of fantasizing about me when I wasn’t present physically, and required porn of some form to get off on his own. Much of me really didn’t like that that bothered me. I was upset that I apparently wasn’t evolved enough to accept my partners personal masturbation habits, and I saw the concern largely as a personal weakness of mine because he could get it up and I turned him on.

His cock was reliable, and we had some really wonderful sex in our time, but on a very deep, essential, intimate level, this person was incapable of truly connecting with me as my lover in the world. His fixation with porn enabled and shaped his avoidance of whatever that disconnect originally stemmed from, if not the porn itself, and he had little interest in growing into anything different, much less a truly mature, connected man in our sexual partnership.

I’ve seen this as my weakness. I’ve compared myself to the people around me who champion porn and think it’s just the best thing since sliced bread and I’ve felt inferior, like I needed to grow into appreciating it differently. I’ve focused on jealousy, insecurity, and other surface emotions that mask the true issue of porn in my relationships. I had a hard time understanding how, if I was just threatened by porn stars, why sometimes I thought porn was just fine and am even able to get off on it, and I must have just been an oversensitive nutcase.

Fuck that. My general intolerance for porn and other forms of escapism is evidence of my standards in the quality of my serious romantic relationships. At this point in my life I would be unhappy partnering with a contented heavy drug user, an alcoholic or anyone else embedded in an excessive habit that somehow hindered their ability to show up properly in a relationship with me, and I would be entirely intolerant of someone who was displaying no movement to improve upon it. So why the fuck have I been beating myself against THIS fucking wall since I was 15 years old?

Objectively, whether the outlook is via chicken or egg, significant porn association is a huge red flag that there are major irreconcilable differences in a romantic front for me. In a more opinionated sense (which is where the entertainment magic happens here at headquarters), with few wonderful exceptions, porn basically sucks, and not just because most of it is embarrassingly horrible. Its incessant availability in our culture is a god damn crying fucking shame to sexual vitality of way, WAY too many men, and the women who LOVE them.

When it comes down to it, I absolutely don’t give a god damn crying fuck what single people or my friends or who the hell ever does in their self fuck time. There are people all over in life that I respect, admire, even love and call my friends who just aren’t relationship material for whatever reasons. Having gone through various relationships with the realities of what it’s been like to date guys who bring their porn habits into one with him, I am fed the hell up with pushing myself and trying to be one of the supposed cool kids who digs on the presence of this shit. In this sense, I am emphatically un-fucking-cool.

So, fuck porn, and fuck allowing it to continue hindrance of the deep, present sexual partnerships I want. The Fucking End.