May 17, 2012, 2:20 am in public

How to care

We are all various portions of introverted and extroverted traits, in an ever shifting organic concoction of tides and spikes and infinite purpose and possibility. In my opinion, applying both of these guides toward each person in your life is simply known as: “caring”.

April 23, 2012, 4:03 pm in public

Tie me to the bed post

needam.jpg Listening to 90′s alternative Pandora with all the windows and doors open, packing up Juno #1 for Fedex pickup tomorrow. Soon it will be on its way to the Synth Spa in Grafton, WI for a new lease on life.

It’s in the 70′s and sunny, and I’m reminded of the elation and release of the summers of the mid 1990′s in Sacramento, after I’d spent long periods of my life encased in my filthy room, with aluminum foil on the windows to keep the light out of my life, and a suicidal depression to keep the light from my soul.

Those were the summers I rode on my boyfriends handlebars after being inside for weeks and almost cried when I felt the breeze on my face. The summers I discovered iced vanilla lattes and off-roading in the mud. When I got drunk in public for the first time seeing Cake at the Cattle club for $8 and saw Hole and Beck at Lollapalooza. Those were the summers I bought myself my first car, went to Vegas for Defcon for the first time, went on my first road trips into the wilderness, and felt my first real tastes of freedom.

Every time the weather turns toward summer again, I remember those times, and I’m so glad I didn’t die, or let my heart stone over. The harshness was what dominated me then, but now that it’s over, it’s those moments of light from my past that shine through more than brightly and profoundly than anything else.

Excuse me, I believe I have something in my eye.

April 22, 2012, 11:29 am in quotes
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“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.” – Charles Darwin

April 16, 2012, 10:39 am in updates
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I go back and forth on wanting to expand and tour Embodied, and being glad I never, ever have to do it again.

April 7, 2012, 1:41 pm in public

Om

99820834_246b610e38_o.jpg

“Om”, Self photographed in 2006.

Original description, added to DeviantArt in a rare response to the comments the image received.

I’ve had a few people politely comment that they feel this piece is inappropriate, or would be inappropriate in some countries. I appreciate their viewpoints and respect that not all people will find my art appropriate, and suppose I should explain in greater detail since this piece seems to bring questions to light. Normally, I leave my pieces to evolve in the mind of the viewer with little direction. But I’ll make an exception.

Om, symbol of the absolute, the be all end all of everything, is a very philosophical and intense symbol which I have chosen with great care in this androgynous piece celebrating my body, mind and spirit. Thankfully I live in a country which will allow for me to express myself in this way, even if it is turning into a deranged festering shithole in others.

I used the Om because I felt it fitting placed on the breast and heart of a strong, other worldly woman with the balls to display what she is in addition to having the breasts to feed your sons and daughters. Breasts that are then forced to be covered and hidden away because of the fearful manipulation of the men who think they rule this world and attempt to dominate the women in it through oppression, abuse and fear. I feel it is a showcasing of the power and wonder that all women hold within themselves and so very often hide away, to the point that they in fact forget what awesome power they carry within them every moment of the day.

My deviation “Om” is my humble artistic stand against the oppression of all women in all countries and, I feel, a proper illustration of the be all end all of everything. She is ghostly to encompass all women, androgynous to encompass all sexuality, with dark, tortured, deep and thoughtful eyes. She is bound by the hand but not by the spirit, and she is growing more and more pissed at the treatment of women in this world, her rage building. You can see the oppressed womans great pain as well as her strength and her eventual wrath. She is silent, appearing almost at peace, but watching. Waiting. The sight of her brings fear to some. And it should.

I think it’s bullshit that the givers of life are raped, beaten, oppressed, discarded, mutilated, forced to cover their faces, sold into slavery, abused, ignored, and belittled because the sons they have brought to the world are afraid. “Om” is for every woman who has been beaten by her father, raped by a man because she was ‘so pretty’, passed up for a job because she has breasts, eaten last because it’s ‘her place’, been forced to fuck for money, had her clit cut off because her pleasure is sin, or otherwise been touched by the skewed reality of the days world views on female humanity. The only thing I wish I could have done differently was use a model who had obviously breast fed, but since I do self photography that was not possible.

The Om symbol has great meaning and depth both to myself as well as those whos culture it derives from. I do not feel that I should censor myself based upon the issues other people have with breasts, expression, a womans power or a womans form, and I find it rather ironic that the symbol for creation would be censored from the breast of a creator. But the world would be quite boring if we all thought the same way, now wouldn’t it.

In a nutshell, I chose to celebrate divinity rather than hide it under a fucking tarp when I created this piece. I hope that clears everything up. If it doesn’t, or you want to hear more, I invite you to check out my friend Ana’s journal entry, created a couple weeks after I did Om. Her clarity of thought is in large part responsible for my ability to explain the meaning of “Om” in this edit and, hopefully, answer your questions.

I don’t usually talk about my deep social and humanist ideals because it feels weird, and if it feels weird to talk about I generally express it artistically in some kind of interpretable way rather than trying to string words together to say what has already been said by someone else. I prefer to provoke free thought with my art rather than say what someone should think about it myself. I’ll be glad to go back to doing that, after this feeble attempt at verbally expressing what this piece means to me. Feel free to continue to allow it to mean whatever it means to you.

March 28, 2012, 2:56 am in quotes
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“For we have thought the longer thoughts
And gone the shorter way.”

—Ernest Hemingway, Poetry, January 1923

March 2, 2012, 10:49 pm in quotes
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“I love it when I crack my back downing alcohol”

February 22, 2012, 12:04 pm in public
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Sometimes I wonder wtf I was thinking designing my life around a variety of vocational positions in which people look to me to support and care for them.

February 8, 2012, 2:28 am in updates
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One day, I may be interviewed and asked what compelled me to use saliva in my painting. On that day, I will be forced to admit the truth: Laziness.

February 5, 2012, 8:04 pm in public

Profile update

Earthbound Akhilandeshvari
Potty mouth
Dictionary browser
Geek massage therapist
Purveyor of the sharing violation
Inflexible circus aerialist
Cat butler
Sarcasm aficionado
Transformation enabler
Cockhound
Dainty sipper of hateorade
Sex symbol
Indecently gleeful
Domestic chef
Inconspicuously timid
Badass thrill-seeking homebody
Excruciatingly sensitive
Tea addict
Passionate perfectionism idealist
Artist
Secretly well-hung
Unfinished

January 6, 2012, 10:56 am in public
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Everybody brace yourselves for a sudden unimaginable natural calamity; I seem to be in a great mood today.

January 3, 2012, 1:42 am in public
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I seem to be dramatically shifting from utter wanderlust to wishing to spend my life cooking in my little house with a husband, a houseboy, a poolboy, two cats and a corgi.

December 20, 2011, 2:08 am in public

R.I.P. Neecam, 1995 – 2011

4002_large.jpg In 1995, I put one of the first consistent webcams on the internet, the neecam. It was, at one time, the focal point of what would eventually become phuqed.org, and then notso.phuqed.org, spend a short year stint as its own spinoff at neecam.net, and finally settle as a single, burried page on neevita.net.

The first neecam was a black and white connectix quikcam, that looked a little something like this. It had been gifted to me by lars, of #suicide on EFnet, and I’m pretty sure I masturbated with it more than once because I knew he’d touched it. It was one of those gifts, like the mixer that WhiteKnight sent me, that altered the course of my development as a person.

whiteyluv.jpg Pervert that I was, neecam was rarely used as a sexual outlet, and rated R, mostly — which is probably part of why you don’t know about it, even though it was around before Jennicam or Anacam and a lot of others that are much more famous. The cam would refresh every 30-90 seconds depending on my mood, and only when I was actually around and wanting to be on camera. Which was, frankly, a lot.

Around the same time I started using webcams, I began cautiously shifting my style from huge boys t-shirts and jeans and sneakers to tank tops and .. jeans and sneakers. Still, I was coming into my own and moving into adolescence. Through the neecam, my creativity, and the support of my viewers, over time, I began to realize something very amazing. That I could be pretty.

longest.jpg It was years later before I did anything sexual on cam, but finally, in the year 2000, some random drunken early morning late night, I used a vibrator in full view on cam while talking with whoever was awake on #suicide. That rare, thrilling, nerve wracking, and slightly awkward experience, in hindsight, marked one of the many progressive leaps in my journey of embodying and accepting my sexuality, and myself as a fundamentally sensual person.

Over time, the cam grew up. It went from the PS/2 connectix, to a color quikcam, to various logitech cameras, to the amazing and still unparalleled 3com HomeConnect USB, complete with the lens pack, which I still refuse to get rid of. My cam equipment was part of the elegance, and each camera I had gave me different freedoms that I exploited.

neecam2200.jpg The neecam, over many years, was one of my primary social outlets. It was the first place to go if you wanted to know what kind of mood I was in. It was an amazingly effective method in which to express myself and reach out to people, even as I burrowed myself away in the dark cave of my artificially lit, tiny little room. I cried on cam, I laughed, I did drugs, I showed off my friends, my pets, my injuries. I told stories with it, mourned with it, celebrated with it.

I even went through a period where I slept on cam, kept it running at night, attached to my ceiling over my bed. For years, to be near me meant the potential of being broadcasted, in a world where that wasn’t normal, yet. My friends were such good sports.

As my relationship with this expressive outlet progressed, I became more discerning about the images I captured, and went from a single image format to a main image with three previous thumbnails displayed below it. I began thinking in terms of order and sets, and slowly, I began to I created artwork.

The neecam became my gateway drug to self photography, where I’ve created some of the most profound imagery in my body of artwork. The cam was where it all started. Later in life, as I became more confident in my body and my looks, I began dressing up, taking more of an interest in clothes, and doing elaborate things with makeup in order to.. stay home, and do cam sets.

There was even a short period of time, circa 2001 (long before any software existed for it), that neecam images were automatically converted to ASCII art before being displayed. That was a collaboration with my friend Furan. There were a few other projects like that over the years, including a php authorization script felix (creater of camsnarf) wrote for me to keep haters from stealing and hotlinking my images, before mod_rewrite was in play on Apache servers.

neecam0829c.jpg Though at times neecam was archived, it was meant to be active and transient, in the moment. As time moved forward, and social anxiety relaxed its deathgrip on me, life started filling up. I discovered circus, aerial, and that I hated working at Microsoft. I began going out socially and meeting people in real life more. The cam, while still a large part of my life, began to take up less of my free time.

And less.. and less. The neecam became then what most peoples cameras or skype or google hangouts are now – another way to keep in touch with the people I knew in the meatspace.

4917_large.jpg In 2004, I ripped all three of my hamstrings doing aerial, and found myself rather immobile for a period of many months. I decided, to help pass the time and stay social, to join a website created by an old #suicide regular, stile, whom I had shown the basics of HTML to one day many years before. He took that ball and ran with it, creating stileproject.com, and eventually, camwhores.com — which I joined, anonymously, and began posting sets to.

For the first two weeks, my trademark was that I never showed my face. I was bald to the skin for a while back then, and so chose the handle Agatha, and for a time, neecam became its softcore alterego, Agathacam, wherein I did cam shows of my baths, cleaning the house naked, and other such torrid things. If you want see over 200 images I kept from my camwhore days as Agatha, paypal $12 to courtnee@gmail.com and I’ll send you the password to the slideshow.

The neecam was, for 16 years, completely free. See? I’ve learned.

neecam__0 I’d say 80% of the snapshot photos from 1995 to 2007 are shots from one of the various forms of the neecam. I pretty much attribute any image I captured and uploaded through Webcam32, the only cam software I ever used to any notable degree, with being of the neecam ilk. But since 2009, neecam has been stale. Pictures stay up for months on end without being refreshed, and my use of imagery online, has matured.

Nowdays, I have a phone, and a few good cameras, and little reason to maintain a webcam presence any longer. Times have changed, and if I do say so, it was the people like me who socially pioneered them. I’ve integrated neecam into my life, into my world, and it’s time to say goodbye and honor what the original neecam brought to me, and to the lives of others.

So rest in peace, neecam, and thank you. Thank you very much.

courtnee@cerberus ~/public_html/neevita $ rm -rf neecam/
courtnee@cerberus ~/public_html/neevita $ ls neecam
ls: cannot access neecam: No such file or directory
courtnee@cerberus ~/public_html/neevita $

August 29, 2011, 10:28 pm in updates
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Leveling up.

(I’m getting old and wise enough to feel it and know it when it’s happening now. So cool.)

April 8, 2011, 8:45 pm in public

Scorpio

Scorpios are the most intense, profound, powerful characters in the zodiac. Even when they appear self-controlled and calm there is a seething intensity of emotional energy under the placid exterior. They are like the volcano not far under the surface of a calm sea, it may burst into eruption at any moment.

But those of us who are particularly perceptive will be aware of the harnessed aggression, the immense forcefulness, magnetic intensity, and often strangely hypnotic personality under the tranquil, but watchful composure of Scorpio. In conventional social gatherings they are pleasant to be with, thoughtful in conversation, dignified, and reserved, yet affable and courteous; they sometimes possess penetrating eyes which make their shyer companions feel naked and defenseless before them.

In their everyday behavior they give the appearance of being withdrawn from the center of activity, yet those who know them will recognize the watchfulness that is part of their character. They need great self-discipline, because they are able to recognize the qualities in themselves that make them different from other humans, and to know their utterly conventional natures can be used for great good, or great evil.

Their tenacity and willpower are immense, their depth of character and passionate conviction overwhelming, yet they are deeply sensitive and easily moved by their emotions. Their sensitivity, together with a propensity for extreme likes and dislikes make them easily hurt, quick to detect insult or injury to themselves (often when none is intended) and easily aroused to ferocious anger. This may express itself in such destructive speech or action that they make lifelong enemies by their outspokenness, for they find it difficult not to be overly critical of anything or anyone to whom they take a dislike.

They can harness their abundant energy constructively, tempering their self-confidence with shrewdness and their ambition with magnanimity toward others provided they like them. They relate to fellow workers only as leaders and can be blunt to those they dislike to the point of cruelty. In fact they are not above expressing vindictiveness in deliberate cruelty. They are too demanding, too unforgiving of faults in others, and extravagantly express their self-disgust in unreasonable resentment against their fellows.

They do, however, make excellent friends, provided that their companions do nothing to impugn the honor of which Scorpios are very jealous. Part of the negative side of the Scorpio nature is a tendency to discard friends once they cease to be useful, but the decent native is aware of, and fights this tendency.

They are fortunate in that their strong reasoning powers are tempered with imagination and intuition, and these gifts, together with critical perception and analytical capacity, can enable the Scorpions to penetrate to profundities beyond the average. They have a better chance of becoming geniuses than the natives of any other sign. But charismatic “twice-born” characters such as they can sink into the extremes of depravity if they take the wrong path, and the intensity of their nature exaggerates their harmful tendencies into vices far greater than the normal.

Rebelliousness against all conventions, political extremism to the point where hatred of the Establishment makes them utterly unscrupulous terrorists. Brooding resentment, aggressive and sadistic brutality, total arrogance, morbid jealousy, extreme volatility of temperament, these are some of their vices. At the other extreme is the procrastinator, the man or woman who is capable of so much that they do nothing and become indolent and self-indulgent, requiring extravagant praise and flattery from those whom they make their cronies.

Being so gifted, they can find fulfillment in many employments. Their inner intensity can result in the ice-cold self-control and detachment of the surgeon, the concentration of the research scientist, and the heroism of the soldier. Any profession in which analysis, investigation, research, dealing with practicalities, and the solving of mysteries are relevant, can appeal to them. So police and detective work, espionage and counterespionage, the law, physics or psychology may attract them, and they can become masters of the written and spoken word. They may be most persuasive orators and find fulfillment as diplomats or preachers and, if they make the Church their profession, their inner intensity can express itself in the spiritual fervor of the mystic or the thaumaturgy.

Scorpio is the symbol of sex and Scorpios are passionate lovers, the most sensually energetic of all the signs. For them, union with the beloved is a sacrament, an “outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace.”. Their overriding urge in loving is to use their power to penetrate beyond themselves and to lose themselves sexually in their partners in an almost mystical ecstasy, thus discovering the meaning of that union which is greater than individuality, and is a marriage of the spirit as well as of flesh.

They are thus capable of the greatest heights of passionate transport, but debauchery and perversion are always dangers, and Scorpios can become sadistic monsters of sensuality and eroticism. Their feelings are so intense that even when their love is of the highest, and most idealistic kind, they are nevertheless frequently protagonists in tragic, even violent romances, “star-crossed lovers”.

May 24, 2010, 12:18 pm in public

Don't believe everything you think!

After heading off to see the world for a bit, I’ve come back home with a sense of renewal and calm about most of what’s going on in my life. I’ve been asking some big questions and confirming some equally big answers. I’ve also been getting in touch with some of the fruits of my labor, like having a bigger well of patience toward myself. Periodically, lately, I’ve been feeling like I’ve recently hopped another hurdle in life.

During a long overdue conversation last night, the disparity between what we think others think about us and what others actually think about us was illuminated.

This reminded me of my long forgotten Johari and Nohari windows, which are essentially an interactive personality profile to assist in uncovering holes in your perception of self vs. how you come across to the people around you.

I’ve posted about these windows a few times over the years, when I’ve experienced profound changes in how it feels to be living life. I’ve recently felt that again, and would appreciate the input of my friends and associates. Perhaps especially if you’ve done so before.

You can answer these anonymously. I also give props to those who choose to identify themselves. It helps very much to know the length and breadth of our relationship when cultivating how my personality effects those around me at varying levels of familiarity.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=nee2010

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=nee2010

Make one for yourself. They’re fascinating.

May 2, 2010, 6:11 am in public

Goodbye, Weston!

nee-006_1 I have a few more minutes to spare on the little internet terminal I’m using – Another reminder that I will need to get another EeePC for my next long trip somewhere. So, time for a little update.

I’m in Bristol now, heading to the home of the first couch surfer I’ve connected with since joining the site. It was nice to get to know C&J better and lovely of them to share their home with me. Julie and I particularly got along well and had a lot of nice chats about things. I am also ready for a change of scenary and pace. I leave in 3 days, so I’ve got a little time to explore a bigger city and get to know some new people.

nee-002 My favorite part of the trip so far was being in Amsterdam and meeting others in the hostel and through Zoe. I’m hoping for a bit of a boost from my final Euro pit stop before returning home later this week after feeling a bit of a downturn in the last few days.

I have been thinking about my Seattle return as far as Artful Touch goes, and also committed to a perfomance gig in June that I am excited about. Looking forward to my own bed, my own country,  my own rules, and my awesome cat.

Of the many things I’ve gained from this trip, one of them is a deepended appreciation of the life I’ve built for myself and why. After trying on a few different styles since being here, I like who I am, where I come from, what I am becoming and how I’m living my life. And that truly is a beautiful thing.

April 30, 2010, 11:48 pm in updates
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Namaste, motherfucker.
April 9, 2010, 11:31 am in public

My .02c on the latest drama in the aerial community.

*sigh*

I am so, so tired of watching people, and being a person, spending so much damn time thinking and talking about how other people should behave. It’s grueling, tiring, hypocritical, and pointless. One thing watching all this go down (and often times being gloriously enraged over it) has shown me is that the people I am the most annoyed with are the people who are displaying similar coping behaviors that I frequently have – arrogance, entitlement, self righteousness, avoidance and contradiction, to name a few.

Personal relationships are a personal thing. Whether it be due to my feelings being hurt or because of the politics involved, my relationships with other human beings and how I choose to handle them are ultimately none of anyone elses fucking business, and neither are yours. What businesses a person recommends to their friends and clients are none of anyone elses control, either. It’s hard to keep those lines crisp, but it helps to at least try.

When I am ready to approach and attempt to mend my relationships, I do, and so does everyone else. If I want a mediator in that process, I ask for one. People need time to repair fractured trust, and sometimes it simply isn’t possible. Having their personal challenges blown up in the spotlight and putting social pressure on people to get along is rarely an effective way to expedite the process, even if it is supposedly in the name of “community” (which usually just means ‘I’m tired of allowing the ebb and flow of your personal problems to effect me, so I’m declaring that it’s in the best interest of everyone that you get over it’).

Human beings are designed to judge and make meaning out of things, and boy, is there a LOT I could be saying about how some people are acting right now – and a lot of it might be true and maybe even a bit funny. The key I’ve found is to keep tabs on how much validity I assign my judgments and how much I let them inform how I behave toward other human beings. It’s easy to forget that – but hey, this time, I remembered.

Rather than continue to take that automatic white noise and spew it anywhere, I’m choosing to trust the people around me to do what they feel is right for them, and focus instead on being the best me I can be. That includes disengaging in the gossip, disengaging from giving unsolicited advice, and no longer creating stories around situations I frankly don’t know dick about.

I am choosing to respect the ability of the people involved in these struggles to resolve their differences – or not – without my benevolent help. AND I am choosing to respect my desire to have no part in the unbelievably uncomfortable social event that is being planned. When I am ready to mend my fences, I’ll do it where it is appropriate to me – in person, one on one.

Take care of you.
-nee

March 25, 2010, 9:03 pm in public

Ohhai, inner self!

Sometimes it hits me that I’m really going! I get this wave of awesome that sweeps across my skin, and permeates into my core. I get this happy, calm, purposeful feeling.

Lots of good things going on for me now. It’s the 25th and I am stable, focused, energetic. I think the maca is helping me, the awareness and attention as well. I’m finally well after a massive sickness, in which I discovered whole heartedly that I will indeed survive being bedridden ill without a partner to care for me. I’m connecting again with my body, my focus, my dreams (literally) and my rhythm. Remembering that I do know how to love myself, and that I’ve done it before.

journal-eu_ One of my favorite massage clients got me this journal and pen as a gift, after I shared with him my plans to get a journal specifically for my trip to Europe. It makes me smile. It’s been really nice to soak up the support and favorable responses to my doing something so fulfilling for myself.

Additionally, I’m reading “The Wise Wound” by Penelope Shuttle and Peter Redgrove. It took a bit to get into, it’s written in a manner that diverges from my aesthetic. I can tell it’s making a huge difference in how I perceive myself as a woman, and how that relates to my experience of life.

If every person, male or female, read this and took away a few nuggets of perspective, I think the world would be a much more reasonable place. Even better if every person had the inclination to read empowering things like this.

I’m even beginning to enjoy being alone! No wandering eye! I can spread out on my whole bed! I have to wash my sheets less often cause I don’t have another person mucking up the bed with me! I sleep soundly! And I LOVE waking up with my cat, who sleeps under my arm religiously, like a wing, sharing my heating pad with me.

This is about the time when someone has come along to fuck it all up, historically. Some tasty, emphatically irresistible obstacle course to frolick within. Not this time. I’m off the market until 2011, and that’s if you’re lucky. It may even be longer than that depending on how much fun I’m having.

It’s a relief to be connected, again.