One day, I may be interviewed and asked what compelled me to use saliva in my painting. On that day, I will be forced to admit the truth: Laziness.
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February 8, 2012, 2:28 am in updates
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One day, I may be interviewed and asked what compelled me to use saliva in my painting. On that day, I will be forced to admit the truth: Laziness. February 5, 2012, 8:04 pm in public
Earthbound Akhilandeshvari December 20, 2011, 2:08 am in public
The first neecam was a black and white connectix quikcam, that looked a little something like this. It had been gifted to me by lars, of #suicide on EFnet, and I’m pretty sure I masturbated with it more than once because I knew he’d touched it. It was one of those gifts, like the mixer that WhiteKnight sent me, that altered the course of my development as a person.
Around the same time I started using webcams, I began cautiously shifting my style from huge boys t-shirts and jeans and sneakers to tank tops and .. jeans and sneakers. Still, I was coming into my own and moving into adolescence. Through the neecam, my creativity, and the support of my viewers, over time, I began to realize something very amazing. That I could be pretty.
Over time, the cam grew up. It went from the PS/2 connectix, to a color quikcam, to various logitech cameras, to the amazing and still unparalleled 3com HomeConnect USB, complete with the lens pack, which I still refuse to get rid of. My cam equipment was part of the elegance, and each camera I had gave me different freedoms that I exploited.
I even went through a period where I slept on cam, kept it running at night, attached to my ceiling over my bed. For years, to be near me meant the potential of being broadcasted, in a world where that wasn’t normal, yet. My friends were such good sports. As my relationship with this expressive outlet progressed, I became more discerning about the images I captured, and went from a single image format to a main image with three previous thumbnails displayed below it. I began thinking in terms of order and sets, and slowly, I began to I created artwork. The neecam became my gateway drug to self photography, where I’ve created some of the most profound imagery in my body of artwork. The cam was where it all started. Later in life, as I became more confident in my body and my looks, I began dressing up, taking more of an interest in clothes, and doing elaborate things with makeup in order to.. stay home, and do cam sets. There was even a short period of time, circa 2001 (long before any software existed for it), that neecam images were automatically converted to ASCII art before being displayed. That was a collaboration with my friend Furan. There were a few other projects like that over the years, including a php authorization script felix (creater of camsnarf) wrote for me to keep haters from stealing and hotlinking my images, before mod_rewrite was in play on Apache servers.
And less.. and less. The neecam became then what most peoples cameras or skype or google hangouts are now – another way to keep in touch with the people I knew in the meatspace.
For the first two weeks, my trademark was that I never showed my face. I was bald to the skin for a while back then, and so chose the handle Agatha, and for a time, neecam became its softcore alterego, Agathacam, wherein I did cam shows of my baths, cleaning the house naked, and other such torrid things. If you want see over 200 images I kept from my camwhore days as Agatha, paypal $12 to courtnee@gmail.com and I’ll send you the password to the slideshow. The neecam was, for 16 years, completely free. See? I’ve learned.
Nowdays, I have a phone, and a few good cameras, and little reason to maintain a webcam presence any longer. Times have changed, and if I do say so, it was the people like me who socially pioneered them. I’ve integrated neecam into my life, into my world, and it’s time to say goodbye and honor what the original neecam brought to me, and to the lives of others. So rest in peace, neecam, and thank you. Thank you very much. courtnee@cerberus ~/public_html/neevita $ rm -rf neecam/ August 29, 2011, 10:28 pm in updates
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Leveling up. (I’m getting old and wise enough to feel it and know it when it’s happening now. So cool.) April 8, 2011, 8:45 pm in public
Scorpios are the most intense, profound, powerful characters in the zodiac. Even when they appear self-controlled and calm there is a seething intensity of emotional energy under the placid exterior. They are like the volcano not far under the surface of a calm sea, it may burst into eruption at any moment. But those of us who are particularly perceptive will be aware of the harnessed aggression, the immense forcefulness, magnetic intensity, and often strangely hypnotic personality under the tranquil, but watchful composure of Scorpio. In conventional social gatherings they are pleasant to be with, thoughtful in conversation, dignified, and reserved, yet affable and courteous; they sometimes possess penetrating eyes which make their shyer companions feel naked and defenseless before them. In their everyday behavior they give the appearance of being withdrawn from the center of activity, yet those who know them will recognize the watchfulness that is part of their character. They need great self-discipline, because they are able to recognize the qualities in themselves that make them different from other humans, and to know their utterly conventional natures can be used for great good, or great evil. Their tenacity and willpower are immense, their depth of character and passionate conviction overwhelming, yet they are deeply sensitive and easily moved by their emotions. Their sensitivity, together with a propensity for extreme likes and dislikes make them easily hurt, quick to detect insult or injury to themselves (often when none is intended) and easily aroused to ferocious anger. This may express itself in such destructive speech or action that they make lifelong enemies by their outspokenness, for they find it difficult not to be overly critical of anything or anyone to whom they take a dislike. They can harness their abundant energy constructively, tempering their self-confidence with shrewdness and their ambition with magnanimity toward others provided they like them. They relate to fellow workers only as leaders and can be blunt to those they dislike to the point of cruelty. In fact they are not above expressing vindictiveness in deliberate cruelty. They are too demanding, too unforgiving of faults in others, and extravagantly express their self-disgust in unreasonable resentment against their fellows. They do, however, make excellent friends, provided that their companions do nothing to impugn the honor of which Scorpios are very jealous. Part of the negative side of the Scorpio nature is a tendency to discard friends once they cease to be useful, but the decent native is aware of, and fights this tendency. They are fortunate in that their strong reasoning powers are tempered with imagination and intuition, and these gifts, together with critical perception and analytical capacity, can enable the Scorpions to penetrate to profundities beyond the average. They have a better chance of becoming geniuses than the natives of any other sign. But charismatic “twice-born” characters such as they can sink into the extremes of depravity if they take the wrong path, and the intensity of their nature exaggerates their harmful tendencies into vices far greater than the normal. Rebelliousness against all conventions, political extremism to the point where hatred of the Establishment makes them utterly unscrupulous terrorists. Brooding resentment, aggressive and sadistic brutality, total arrogance, morbid jealousy, extreme volatility of temperament, these are some of their vices. At the other extreme is the procrastinator, the man or woman who is capable of so much that they do nothing and become indolent and self-indulgent, requiring extravagant praise and flattery from those whom they make their cronies. Being so gifted, they can find fulfillment in many employments. Their inner intensity can result in the ice-cold self-control and detachment of the surgeon, the concentration of the research scientist, and the heroism of the soldier. Any profession in which analysis, investigation, research, dealing with practicalities, and the solving of mysteries are relevant, can appeal to them. So police and detective work, espionage and counterespionage, the law, physics or psychology may attract them, and they can become masters of the written and spoken word. They may be most persuasive orators and find fulfillment as diplomats or preachers and, if they make the Church their profession, their inner intensity can express itself in the spiritual fervor of the mystic or the thaumaturgy. Scorpio is the symbol of sex and Scorpios are passionate lovers, the most sensually energetic of all the signs. For them, union with the beloved is a sacrament, an “outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace.”. Their overriding urge in loving is to use their power to penetrate beyond themselves and to lose themselves sexually in their partners in an almost mystical ecstasy, thus discovering the meaning of that union which is greater than individuality, and is a marriage of the spirit as well as of flesh. They are thus capable of the greatest heights of passionate transport, but debauchery and perversion are always dangers, and Scorpios can become sadistic monsters of sensuality and eroticism. Their feelings are so intense that even when their love is of the highest, and most idealistic kind, they are nevertheless frequently protagonists in tragic, even violent romances, “star-crossed lovers”. May 24, 2010, 12:18 pm in public
After heading off to see the world for a bit, I’ve come back home with a sense of renewal and calm about most of what’s going on in my life. I’ve been asking some big questions and confirming some equally big answers. I’ve also been getting in touch with some of the fruits of my labor, like having a bigger well of patience toward myself. Periodically, lately, I’ve been feeling like I’ve recently hopped another hurdle in life. During a long overdue conversation last night, the disparity between what we think others think about us and what others actually think about us was illuminated. This reminded me of my long forgotten Johari and Nohari windows, which are essentially an interactive personality profile to assist in uncovering holes in your perception of self vs. how you come across to the people around you. I’ve posted about these windows a few times over the years, when I’ve experienced profound changes in how it feels to be living life. I’ve recently felt that again, and would appreciate the input of my friends and associates. Perhaps especially if you’ve done so before. You can answer these anonymously. I also give props to those who choose to identify themselves. It helps very much to know the length and breadth of our relationship when cultivating how my personality effects those around me at varying levels of familiarity. http://kevan.org/johari?name=nee2010 http://kevan.org/nohari?name=nee2010 Make one for yourself. They’re fascinating. May 2, 2010, 6:11 am in public
I’m in Bristol now, heading to the home of the first couch surfer I’ve connected with since joining the site. It was nice to get to know C&J better and lovely of them to share their home with me. Julie and I particularly got along well and had a lot of nice chats about things. I am also ready for a change of scenary and pace. I leave in 3 days, so I’ve got a little time to explore a bigger city and get to know some new people.
I have been thinking about my Seattle return as far as Artful Touch goes, and also committed to a perfomance gig in June that I am excited about. Looking forward to my own bed, my own country, my own rules, and my awesome cat. Of the many things I’ve gained from this trip, one of them is a deepended appreciation of the life I’ve built for myself and why. After trying on a few different styles since being here, I like who I am, where I come from, what I am becoming and how I’m living my life. And that truly is a beautiful thing. April 9, 2010, 11:31 am in public
*sigh* I am so, so tired of watching people, and being a person, spending so much damn time thinking and talking about how other people should behave. It’s grueling, tiring, hypocritical, and pointless. One thing watching all this go down (and often times being gloriously enraged over it) has shown me is that the people I am the most annoyed with are the people who are displaying similar coping behaviors that I frequently have – arrogance, entitlement, self righteousness, avoidance and contradiction, to name a few. Personal relationships are a personal thing. Whether it be due to my feelings being hurt or because of the politics involved, my relationships with other human beings and how I choose to handle them are ultimately none of anyone elses fucking business, and neither are yours. What businesses a person recommends to their friends and clients are none of anyone elses control, either. It’s hard to keep those lines crisp, but it helps to at least try. When I am ready to approach and attempt to mend my relationships, I do, and so does everyone else. If I want a mediator in that process, I ask for one. People need time to repair fractured trust, and sometimes it simply isn’t possible. Having their personal challenges blown up in the spotlight and putting social pressure on people to get along is rarely an effective way to expedite the process, even if it is supposedly in the name of “community” (which usually just means ‘I’m tired of allowing the ebb and flow of your personal problems to effect me, so I’m declaring that it’s in the best interest of everyone that you get over it’). Human beings are designed to judge and make meaning out of things, and boy, is there a LOT I could be saying about how some people are acting right now – and a lot of it might be true and maybe even a bit funny. The key I’ve found is to keep tabs on how much validity I assign my judgments and how much I let them inform how I behave toward other human beings. It’s easy to forget that – but hey, this time, I remembered. Rather than continue to take that automatic white noise and spew it anywhere, I’m choosing to trust the people around me to do what they feel is right for them, and focus instead on being the best me I can be. That includes disengaging in the gossip, disengaging from giving unsolicited advice, and no longer creating stories around situations I frankly don’t know dick about. I am choosing to respect the ability of the people involved in these struggles to resolve their differences – or not – without my benevolent help. AND I am choosing to respect my desire to have no part in the unbelievably uncomfortable social event that is being planned. When I am ready to mend my fences, I’ll do it where it is appropriate to me – in person, one on one. Take care of you. March 25, 2010, 9:03 pm in public
Sometimes it hits me that I’m really going! I get this wave of awesome that sweeps across my skin, and permeates into my core. I get this happy, calm, purposeful feeling. Lots of good things going on for me now. It’s the 25th and I am stable, focused, energetic. I think the maca is helping me, the awareness and attention as well. I’m finally well after a massive sickness, in which I discovered whole heartedly that I will indeed survive being bedridden ill without a partner to care for me. I’m connecting again with my body, my focus, my dreams (literally) and my rhythm. Remembering that I do know how to love myself, and that I’ve done it before.
Additionally, I’m reading “The Wise Wound” by Penelope Shuttle and Peter Redgrove. It took a bit to get into, it’s written in a manner that diverges from my aesthetic. I can tell it’s making a huge difference in how I perceive myself as a woman, and how that relates to my experience of life. If every person, male or female, read this and took away a few nuggets of perspective, I think the world would be a much more reasonable place. Even better if every person had the inclination to read empowering things like this. I’m even beginning to enjoy being alone! No wandering eye! I can spread out on my whole bed! I have to wash my sheets less often cause I don’t have another person mucking up the bed with me! I sleep soundly! And I LOVE waking up with my cat, who sleeps under my arm religiously, like a wing, sharing my heating pad with me. This is about the time when someone has come along to fuck it all up, historically. Some tasty, emphatically irresistible obstacle course to frolick within. Not this time. I’m off the market until 2011, and that’s if you’re lucky. It may even be longer than that depending on how much fun I’m having. It’s a relief to be connected, again. November 19, 2009, 5:20 am in public
November 18, 2009, 5:31 am in public
But doesn’t do much for my messed up throat. I have embellished the cute little wrist warmies I got from http://monsterartandclothing.com
November 1, 2009, 5:45 pm in public
For my birthday, my trapeze partner Bev took me to try out flying trapeze at SANCA’s brand new flying rig. It was super fun, and pretty scary at first. Mostly, I thought the heavy bar was going to take me down before I was ready to take off. I got over that pretty quick, and graduated onto tricks faster that I’d expected. Booya. http://sancaseattle.org – The only way to fly. September 28, 2009, 11:30 am in public
I am turning 30. I am having a party. Are you confident I would not want to burn the house down upon your arrival, considering my guests collateral damage for wiping you off the planet? Then request an invitation from the facebook event to RSVP! In addition, back by popular demand because you asked for it… wishlist for my 30th. See you guys on Nov 2. Stuff I like..
Stuff that’s crossed my mind recently…
A word about Money… Money is a social necessity that becomes less and less of a priority as I age and develop my sense of what I find important in my life. I make very little, and generally do not have much left over after my modest monthly bills. One of my largest projects is a volunteer position as a founder of a non-profit, and often my performances are unpaid – I have chosen to do what fuels me, and have worked hard to reduce my financial footprint to where I can live how I want and not have to worry (too much) about making a lot of money or making my decisions based on that. That said, money is a great gift for me. There are things I enjoy and/or would benefit greatly from that are difficult to acquire by means of trade or barter, and money is as versatile as my interests at the time. There is a stigma about money being a cop out gift, and in some respects I can see why. However, for me, money is great. I can use it to stroll the produce section and get my food for the day, shoot myself into space, go see a movie with you, get some new paint colors, or pad the bank account for vita-arts.org. Neat stuff! So if you’re stumped, strapped for time, across the country or whatever and a simple ‘happy birthday’ doesn’t float your boat, just send me a fatass check. I’ll totally dig it, and promise I will do something cool with it. Here’s to making it this far! September 26, 2009, 10:32 am in public
My view on the project is more political/social than the site, http://theyareonlypixels.com, talks about. I like how open ended the project is from the photographers point of view, it’s nice to see someone doing a community project for the sake of allowing others to express what they’d like out of it, rather than saying “This is meant to tell all the nude haters to screw off” or the like. Strange. I just got deja vu.
September 10, 2009, 11:09 pm in playlists
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser. Nick Cave & Warren Ellis – Carnival August 27, 2009, 1:22 am in public
My baby dreads, without extensions. Just took them out tonight. August 14, 2009, 10:57 pm in public
The crotch of these were originally way too low, and the lace hems at my ankles. I cut the top off and deconstructed another pair of little shorts which had a white elastic waist to comebine them. To color match I stained the white lace with tea (Bengal Spice bitchez!). They are still kinda damp. :) They are rad, and crazy comfortable. The seam in the butt is a little off center, and when I try to straighten it the pants wrap around me funny, but I totally don’t give a shit. I am right crap at sewing things, so I’m happy with these. January 29, 2009, 10:17 am in public
“You think like an artist. Or better, you SEE like an artist. While most people look at lifes straight lines, its height and depth and width, you’re bending the lines with your imagination and turning black and white into shades of blue and yellow. In conversations at work or with your friends you want to ask, “Do you see what I see?”. A few might, most don’t, but you’ve piqued everyone’s curiosity. You can, if you must, think in conventional ways. But left on your own, you’ll usually opt for the eccentric or avant-garde; in fact you’re usually bored with what everyone else is comfortable with. You learn from reading, talking, watching people and other fauna and flora, and simply sitting in the soft chair of your mind and wondering how people would learn how to count if they could only use uneven numbers. You are out in front of conventional ideas, bravely defining true and false, right and wrong, the good, the bad and the ugly. You drive through life faster than the speed limit, and when you hit speed bumps (and you hit a lot of them with your mind distracted from the straight line ahead), your wheels leave the ground. You think well. Even your wildest fancies have their roots in the deep soil of sound ideas and tested beliefs. So even if some people don’t want to drive at high speed with you, they will respect you for your courage as an innovative and unconventional thinker. You lend color and imagination to what would otherwise be the straight black and white lines of their work world and social environments. A few more daring people of your circle might even learn from you to take a risk they would otherwise never consider. As comfortable as they are on solid ground, they may be curious about what it would be like to go faster than the speed limit, or paint the living room two shades of blue, or question ideas or beliefs they’ve fingered like sacred beads since they were children. After all, they watch you do it, and you seem no worse for the risks you take. In fact, your eyes are wider and your breath quicker, and maybe they can find at least a bit of this for themselves. To be certain, they don’t want their wheels to leave the ground. But maybe the next time they approach a speed bump, they might just brace themselves and speed up… just a little bit.” January 12, 2009, 5:49 pm in playlists
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser. Don’t get any big ideas Now that you’ve found it, it’s gone So don’t get any big ideas She stands stark naked and she beckons you to bed Radiohead – Nude |
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