*sigh* Man.. this is probably going to be kind of a ramble..

“Courtnee Papastathis has performed as Zita the Aerialist since 2005. During
that time her focus has been to tell compelling stories through her aerial
performances. The act you just saw was an illustration of the struggle to
shed the defenses that bind us, finding strength in being vulnerable, and
how sex contributes to the art of self discovery. It’s also a really awesome
excuse to be naked.”

I was uncharacteristically nervous and emotionally raw before my first act, even for me at my most nervous I tend to get at this point in my career. I just couldn’t shake it. Performing, much as the rest of my life, brings an ebb and flow to things. Some days I’m calm as a cucumber, quietly beckoning the universe to bring it on.

Others, I have insecurity and doubt to deal with, or I’m worried about my body being hurt, or I’m highly invested in the emotional weight of the work I am presenting and going out there feels heavy, sometimes even scary.

Last night I had all of those things. It was potentially the last aerial performance I will do, and surely the last one I will do for a while. That was hard and sad and exhilarating at times, and it made for some emotional components to be present that I hadn’t gone through in a while.

I was also performing in an all aerial show, which can be harder on my self esteem and individualism than being the aerialist in a theater show. Even when I wasn’t looking, there were little things popping up, reminding me that I am just a drop of water in an endless sea. All the acts were very different, and all the acts were very good. We do what we do well and I am proud to be a part of such a high caliber production with such talented and creative people.

That said, some of these girls can do things I will never be able to do in less time than it took me to learn how to do a fucking hip lock – things I’ve wanted to do, tried to do and, depending on my perspective, failed at. In a way it can be hard to follow up someone who’s produced a rope act that embodied what I wanted to bring to rope the first 4 years of my aerial experience and never could.

On the flip side, what I bring to my work is unique and powerful, and I know that. In accepting my bodies abilities and limits, I’ve created the space to expose myself in a way that audiences rarely get to see and I am amazing at doing it. Maybe I can’t do open legged drops without wrecking my hips, and maybe my toes won’t splay the right way so I can do a toe climb, but god dammit when I am out there I own the living shit out of it. I own the living shit out of you.

The fact that I can’t even come close to doing the splits, that I don’t have a gymnastics or dance background and that I was a professional drug abuser in my youth rather than an athlete inspires and comforts my beginning aerial students. I have a triumphant and inspiring story to tell. That’s why I like teaching beginners – I want them to know that you don’t have to be a superhuman contortionist to be an aerial performer, and I want them to know that a lot earlier than I did.

Truly performing, for me, is taking people on a stirring emotional journey – along something that runs deep and strong in us as humans. Whether it’s my music, pretending to be a dancer or climbing things, that doesn’t change much. Sometimes I’ll put on a super cute outfit, hop up on a trapeze and practice while people are watching, and that’s really fun and fueling in its own right, but it’s not a true performance of mine. It’s not the meat and the heart of what I go out there for.

I brought that meat and heart and blood and guts and spit last night. People who had no idea of the health issues I am dealing with, or that I am potentially retiring from performing aerial, told me to keep doing what I’m doing with tears in their eyes. They told me it felt like an honor to be in the audience. They told me how inspired they were to create their own magic on a stage and share it. That’s the transformative power of the arts and it’s a beautiful thing that I feel grateful and privileged to have been able to cultivate for the last 5 years. Whatever comes after this, I’ll always carry that with me.

Stay tuned for more events. Maybe this is the time in my life where I learn to be graceful on the ground.

*sniffle*

(Thank you, John Cornicello, for the lovely images, and for allowing me to post produce them)

NOTICE: racy, lengthly, or outdated content ahead »