*shuffles through DVD’s* Hmm.. “Introduction to Power Yoga” .. nah “Yoga for flexibility: Intermediate” .. nah. “Yoga for Abs: Intermediate” .. fuck nah. “Yoga for Wimps” .. OH yes.
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January 13, 2012, 1:42 pm in public
I’m well into week 4 of my antibiotics and feeling more myself lately. It’s been over two weeks since I’ve had a fainting spell and when I am awake I feel more alert and productive. I’m still getting a lot of headaches and having difficulty staying hydrated. Those are the two things that appear to be lingering thus far. In general my activity level is still very low, I haven’t started training aerial again or otherwise getting any exercise yet. I did do a full day of massages (4) on Wednesday for the first time in months, the aftermath of which was an appropriate fatigue but no hyperventilation or fainting the next day. I still need a lot of sleep, between 10 and 12 hours, but once I wake up from that sleep I’m alert and energized. I’ve started dressing with creativity and occasionally putting makeup on again, and received a massage for the first time in a looong while yesterday. January 6, 2012, 2:52 pm in public
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It’s official: Due to health factors, I will not be teaching aerial at VA this session. The point at which i will consider returning to assisting groups, private lessons, and my personal training when I’ve gone a month without a consciousness episode. Leading classes will depend on the results of those experiments. January 2, 2012, 10:50 pm in public
Current health status is: improving, slowly. I’m just finishing up a two week course of antibiotics for my sinuses and feel about 60%, so planning on staying on them another two weeks in case it really is a nasty infection that’s been beating me down so long. The last fainting spell I had was about 5 days ago. I’ve relaxed on my eating a bit since beginning to feel better a couple days ago, and can verify again with certainty that my body hates sugar, whether my mouth agrees or not. Heading back to a light work schedule this week. I could have used another couple weeks holiday staycation, I think. Highlight: clean wipers for the last few days January 2, 2012, 1:39 am in public
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I dreamed last night that I had ornate, itchy quills growing out of the instep of my right foot and the crook of my left elbow, and I couldn’t keep track of my surgery dates. December 31, 2011, 6:38 pm in public
Out of habit, I wanna hate 2011. But it was pretty awesome. Just created a quick, lovely, delicate, subtle, and yet tasting almost like beef broth by saving the runoff from my kale, in which I:
Pairing it with fresh wild salmon drizzled in walnut oil and braggs, and a single slice of lemon.
I have another idea utilizing a lot of these ingredients, and banana. Also, I make my own mayonnaise now. Food is a form of self love.
Fast-forward 5 years, after going to culinary school Picture the Herb Farm, with no sales pitch, seating about 25 people a night who eat whatever I cook that evening, with soft live violin, perhaps harp or cello on “guest musician” night (Mondays), and the occasional cameo appearance of my voice on special occasions, my friends birthdays, and holidays. 5 courses, $130 a plate or so, with high end allergen-free options. Solid, no? Never occurred to me that I’d be a great restaurant creator. But I think I kinda would! Happy New Year. ♥ December 29, 2011, 2:16 pm in updates
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Woke up in my clothes, including jacket and scarves, with mascara in my eyes and only a vague recollection of how I got my shoes off. The story is, disappointingly, not what one would generally think. I wish I believed this is just a sinus infection. December 22, 2011, 10:36 am in public
My CT results are in. My brain looks like a brain, with no unwanted visitors. My sinuses are, in a word, a trainwreck — all of them show moderate sinus disease and thickening except the sphenoid. Quote from Dr. Bliss – “YEaaah… people with this kind of infection… don’t tend to feel very good.” The treatment for now is a month of antibiotics, since over the years different runs of 10 and 14 days haven’t knocked it out. After that, depending on how I feel, we may be looking into autoimmune disorders as a possible cause. But for now, I am relieved and happy that I will be feeling better soon. Here is a good link that explains it. I’ll have pictures of my CT to share in a coupe days. http://www.sinuses.com/ctscan.htm I am fine with surgery in my future, as long as I can figure out a way to get it without tons of money stress. I welcome the idea, actually. I want to feel better, and I can only imagine what it would be like to be able to breathe normally and stay well for more than a couple months at a time. December 21, 2011, 1:51 pm in public
Adrenal test came back normal. Disappointed. I hadn’t realized how sure I was that we’d found it, until I was told we hadn’t. CT scan happened this morning, results expected later today. Felt almost decent yesterday afternoon, and in turn did too much. Super disoriented and lethargic. Clearing my calendar and spending another day on the couch. I am thankful for my friends, whom I am finally in a place to call upon and allow to take care of me. And, given how hard I crashed and burned after a few hours of being awake, I am very glad I did not ride the bus to my appointment this morning. December 20, 2011, 12:58 pm in public
I have been pre-approved for charity diagnostic imaging at Swedish. I go for my scans at 8am tomorrow morning. Big Cry. December 20, 2011, 10:08 am in updates
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Among the many, many things churning about in me right now, there is a thing I haven’t expressed out loud while sober, which I have been now for quite some time while dealing with this stuff… I am scared. :/ December 19, 2011, 9:01 pm in public
First set of labs are back. Urinalysis and culture are negative for kidney infection. I have a few red cells in my urine but nothing alarming. White cell count in my blood is a bit high, but not too concerning, and everything else in my CBC panel was within normal ranges. So liver, kidney, those basics are at least working. I’ve been taking a probiotic for possible candida overgrowth now for 5 days. Unsure what it’s doing, but I feel things moving around a bit when I take it, seem to be bloated much less frequently and haven’t felt particularly worse after starting, so plan to continue. Diet is still pretty restricted to health food. I opened it up to beans and a bit of complex carbs when I seemed to be getting weaker. Adrenal test was pretty easy. Blood draw, shot up with cortisol, took a half hour nap, and another draw to test levels again. For hours after the test I was extremely tired, lethargic and cold, which is apparently the opposite of how people normally react. Because of this, I am hopeful that the test results will show a part of the puzzle. Many adrenal deficiency symptoms fall in line with how I’ve felt the last few years. As far as I know, everything Swedish needs to make their decision regarding the CT of my head has been submitted. Now I wait. December 19, 2011, 7:02 pm in public
I just spent the last 2+ hours compiling a profit and loss statement for the Swedish Medical Center, of which I am requesting charity medical care so we can get CT scans of my sinuses and brain. This would be, at the best of times, a trying task for me; Math on its own avoids my grasp, and formatting documents isn’t far behind how daunting math is, so put the two of them together and I’m squinting fiercely trying to keep track and constantly having to rework things. I got it done, and though it wasn’t the easiest or most comfortable thing to be doing right now, I am immensely appreciative of having to do it. Here’s why: Though I’ve improved over the years, I still have a hard time seeing past being sick. Which makes the frequency of illness in my life especially damaging and annoying. This time hasn’t been any different, and I’ve had other things going on in my life as well to be down about, so mostly, I’ve been slow and mopey inside. What this statement showed me is about what I expected: I have profited, after expenses but before taxes and living costs, just shy of $11,000 this year. But my reaction to it wasn’t what I expected. My jaw would have dropped if I hadn’t been clenching it for the last 2 hours; what I found notable about that fact, is the reasons why that had flooded into my head. In 2011, I:
I have lived a LOT of life this year. A lot. And I don’t go hungry, I don’t live in squalor, I don’t have to sell myself on a street corner for rent, I don’t have to stress about feeding a family or insuring a car or put up with abuse. And I was reminded of earlier today, as I was considering on the bus ride home from my testing of all the possibilities that could lie ahead of me; if I ended up finding out something crazy, something like I had a brain tumor and a year to live, there is very, very little that I would do differently in the time I had left. Very, very little. My world — this utterly beautiful, ruthless, gentle, amazing, infuriating, incredible world, is literally brimming with generosity, like my eyes are brimming with tears right now. It is utterly staggering, and a relief to me, to finally feel something other than frustration, hopelessness, jealousy and failure when I look dead on at how much money I make for my incessant, hard work. Money is symbolic for me in some negative way. I’ve touched on it in therapy before and haven’t quite figured out what it is yet, but I know that my relationship and self imposed barriers surrounding money are a source of deep personal struggle for me. I suspect it goes beyond simply being frustrated consistently lacking the resources to do the work I want to do in the world, and not having a stable home base to do it in. Though, those two things are pretty big obstacles, all on their own. It is a relief in this moment to feel such a deep gratitude among the pain, disability and loneliness I’ve felt these last few weeks after my health deteriorated. And it feels so, so fucking good, to look back on all the people, past and present, that have made this small, complex, vibrant little life of mine such a worthwhile experience. …and I don’t think I’m going to have any problem, getting the tests done that I need. Thank you. December 19, 2011, 2:08 pm in updates
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Researching all this health stuff is often bringing back snips and sensations of what it was like taking anatomy/physiology at Brian Utting School of Massage — as well as betraying how much I’ve forgotten over the years. I’m thankful for the refresher. December 19, 2011, 9:28 am in updates
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Thankful for my visit from the Colby Perry early-morning taxi, an easy test (three pokes and a half hour nap in between), stone cold simple charity forms from Swedish, a smooth bus ride home, and the nap I’m about to take now that I’m back here. December 19, 2011, 6:46 am in updates
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Adrenal test today. I’m in the early morning dark, seeing the pretty Seattle holiday lights at Westlake for the first time this year, wondering what’s next. It feels almost strange to be outside. December 15, 2011, 9:24 pm in public
Found myself curled up on cold marble in another dense, slow, sweaty fainting spell today. Called my long time friend who’s heard most of my medical woes, and used to be an EMT. He came by and checked me out, did a very basic SKAT test involving short term memory, poked around at my kidneys, checked my eyes, etc. I failed the memory test miserably, have a swollen tender kidney and strange pupil contraction, and my eyeballs are becoming jaundiced. So off to the doctor for me. The takeaway:
It’s becoming more likely that I’m dealing with some kind of autoimmune disorder as I continually become more and more infected over time, and I may test for that soon, but I think I want to get some definitives on food allergy and gluten intolerance before going in depth with it so I can figure out what the fuck I should be eating since I seem to react to a lot of stuff. Another possible contributor is post-concussive syndrome. I’ve had three significant head injuries in my past, where I’ve blacked out and lost large portions of memory, none of which I was treated for: falling backwards on roller skates into thinly carpeted cement (lost memory of all that night and into the next morning, and broke the shit out of my tooth) passing out flat backwards on marble (and having a seizure), and being hit by a car in New York (lost about 6 hours in which I was mobile, moving, talking, and throwing up a LOT). If that’s what’s happening, there’s nothing to be done but treat symptoms until it, hopefully, goes away. My first priority: I want to see what’s going on with my brain, which isn’t functioning well and continues to deteriorate, and the cavities in my face that are nearly constantly full of infected snot. It was suggested we check out my adrenals and make sure they’re still working correctly and I think it’s a good idea, but will probably save it for after the CT. December 13, 2011, 11:10 am in public
I’m unsure how long I will be documenting my meals like this, but for now it’s kind of fun to be keeping track and writing about what I’m eating. I refuse to eat bland, shitty food, so I’m interested in hearing from people who’ve figured out some cool tricks while watching what they eat, as well as interested in sharing how I’m going about denying myself of basically every satisfying, tasty food on the planet. :P It will be an interesting challenge to eat right once I’m well enough to be on a normal work and social schedule. I imagine one benefit of living in bumfuck now will be that I’ll be home a lot more to prep and cook my meals. My Fivelac probiotic arrives Thursday. Until then, I’m eating a bit of yogurt here and there to get a head start. Monday:
Tuesday:
Wednesday:
Thursday:
Friday:
December 11, 2011, 12:40 pm in public
Over the last two years, I’ve been frequently sick with sinus infections and a host of other crap, that’s been getting more and more serious and debilitating, every few months at best. This is in addition to a barrage of other transient-yet-chronic ailments I’ve endured since I was a kid. I’ve noticed it corresponds to diet to some degree, stress, and my menstrual cycle. Recently my kidneys have started aching after drinking alcohol, and I suffered a really weird fainting spell where the contents of my bladder voided while I was unconscious. My symptoms are systemic, transient, and hard to track/nail down. I’ve gone on a couple diet eliminations in 2010 and 2011 which helped me figure out that I have a thing against wheat and milk protein, but even those things I seem to have a varying tolerance for. In addition to the random stuff and acne and IBS and on and on, I was sick again a month ago with the sinus/head cold thing I periodically get since 2008, and came down with the same thing again this week. Just about every time I get sick like this I spend some time researching what it could be or how to alleviate my symptoms, or go to a doctor to be further frustrated and feel like a freak because no one can tell me what the fuck is going on. It’s gone from every 3 months to more like every 3 weeks. Last week I remember being able to breathe as I was walking around Dublin and thinking “Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve been sick” and realizing it had only been two and a half weeks — and this was after passing out and pissing myself two days before. This has been a devastating and difficult road. If you’ve followed my posts about PMS, acne, PCOS and the like, you probably know how challenging my health has been both emotionally and physically, especially over the last few years. I’ve also experienced periods of chronic UTI’s and ulcers, chronic respiratory infections, and various stages of utter shit digestion for as long as I can remember. General information about Candida: http://www.holistichelp.net/candida.html I just took the Candida spit test, and within a few minutes tested positive with ‘legs’ streaming down my glass, which is the most concrete fucking evidence of an actual cause of all this shit than I’ve ever had, including blood testing. Spit test (controversial): http://www.candida-yeast-problems.com/spittest.html Further research online reveals how difficult Candida overgrowth is to deal with, which also falls in line with my experience. Even knowing it had something to do with my guts and food and probiotics and sugar and booze, and that sometimes garlic helped and sometimes it didnt, and sometimes fasting helped and sometimes it didn’t, and sometimes I could eat bread and sometimes I couldn’t, the results of the things I’ve tried as I’ve gotten closer to understanding what’s been going on just haven’t been good enough to convince me I was on the right track. I’ve been considering things like Lupus, Syphilis, MS, trying to make sense of what the fuck is happening in my body. Lab test: (180 or above is positive, my result is 319) http://www.jigsawhealth.com/resources/testing-candida The most effective (remotely affordable) treatment seems to be a handful of products that are, put simply, too expensive for me. But I’m gonna give the main factor, a carpet bombing of Fivelac probiotic, which is reviewed consistently better than the random brands I’ve tried in the past, and a Candida diet (basically another elimination) a shot and see if that works, first, before doing the whole spendy shebang. Alternative treatments: http://www.candidasupport.org/ I sure hope Candida isn’t what makes my vagina taste so awesome. Cause I’m so gonna fuck that shit up, now. Conventional treatments: December 11, 2011, 4:48 am in public
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Unable to breathe through congestion. Either raging hot and sweating or freezing fucking cold. Eaten twice since Friday morning. Only been awake about 3 hours at a time. Cramping but haven’t fucking bled yet. Feeling depressed and isolated, and don’t have any energy for the people around me. Went through this a month ago and a couple months before that and a couple months before that and so on. Tired and fucking frustrated and sick of being a failure at life and canceling on people and stressing over income loss and other stupid shit. Sick of doctors who can’t fucking tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. Sick of blood tests coming up normal. Sick. |
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