April 4, 2012, 11:49 am in public You. I remember you.
I wish you’d just go away.
Instead, I forget. I forget I know you, I forget there has been work done by others, I forget there are others like me, that what I deal with is understood, and that I’m not some kind of inhuman freakshow because I struggle with the realities of this.
I forget I was ever diagnosed in the first 3 years of intense, wrenching, horrifyingly naked psychotherapy that transformed my life. I forget the answers I put everything I had into finding.
Largely, I choose, rather, my idealism, and resistance to psychological diagnosis which is often abused in the interest of drug companies and politics. I choose the sense that, surely, I am more complex than a wikipedia article on human behavior, which took me years to think to look at again. That, surely, I deserve to feel awful about myself an increasingly disturbing amount of my life. Again. That, surely something MUST be incredibly, strickenly -wrong- with me.
Where is my courage? Why don’t I recognize when this is happening, or more accurately, that it is THIS IS WHAT IS happening? Why can’t I recognize when I’m watching myself dismantle my life, like there’s another soul inside me that shuts me off and moves and speaks for me. Why don’t I SEE IT FASTER?
I’m think-smart. I’m smarter than my own fucking good. Why can’t I be honest with myself about this? Why am I so horrified, so embarrassed, so fucking ASHAMED?
How many more nights will I spend paralyzed by incessant, merciless thoughts of how terrible I am? How many more times will I break down sobbing like a shivering, petrified animal? Why does something so common and ordinary feel so fucking WRONG? Why does the label feel like such a copout?
Why am I not over this? Why am I not fixed? I think about it sometimes, but I don’t want to die. I want this to go away.
Why can’t I STOP IT?
I feel like it will NEVER. FUCKING. STOP.
February 22, 2012, 12:04 pm in public Sometimes I wonder wtf I was thinking designing my life around a variety of vocational positions in which people look to me to support and care for them.
February 9, 2012, 2:05 am in updates Is there anyone out there with whom you can’t imagine life if it didn’t include knowing they were living it? Have you told them?
February 5, 2012, 5:18 pm in public I’m heading to Spokane at the end of March to put on a special living room music show and contemplating the opportunity to spend a few days traveling somewhere else as well. We thought about Yellowstone but it is totally off season during that time with no available accommodations (even camping). Any suggestions?
February 4, 2012, 2:53 am in public You know, I often wonder what the ‘something’ that must be wrong with TJ’s brand food will end up being. Because really, it’s affordable, delicious and doesn’t have fake sweetener or HFCS or hydrogenated oils or ingredients I can’t pronounce. It appears to be simple, honest food at a fair price. Seriously, what am I missing here? Someone’s gotta be pulling one over on me.
January 31, 2012, 11:29 am in public So I’m working through the drafts on neevita, not sure how they accumulate actually, it looks as though sometimes I’ll write up status updates and decide they’re not quite ready or maybe I don’t want to post it as it is and then forget about them. I just found this one from July 23 of 2011:
One thing about my life that’s special and somewhat unique, is the way I utilize the internet to express myself and also to allow people to get to know me. I sometimes forget what it’s like to connect with someone over time who doesn’t know my mother left when I was a kid, hasn’t read about the way I utilize artistry to cope with trauma, doesn’t follow neevita or know about the deep experiences I’ve processed here.
Sometimes the ripening of a connection with a person reveals something I had previously been disconnected with, or unable to articulate. That happened last night,
*sigh* – AGH! What was it what was it?!
January 3, 2012, 4:35 am in public I’ve found over time that I am really uncomfortable with the term “human rights”. What “rights”, exactly? What is supposedly a given as a human being and who decided that? Was anything else living on the planet consulted before these things were decided? What the fuck are humans righteously entitled to for being, miraculously and without any true understanding of how, alive? And why don’t I ever hear about these so-called rights unless someone’s opinion is that they are being violated somehow. Fuck human rights. What a pretentious line of bullshit.
December 16, 2011, 10:22 am in updates Does it still count as pushing them away when you did it because you knew they couldn’t be there?
September 21, 2011, 10:43 am in updates Ever just wake up one day to find your head is over your heels?
August 4, 2011, 10:57 am in updates Isn’t it odd that we still measure locomotive power in horses?
July 15, 2011, 10:56 pm in public Wing Chun was the perfect movie to watch tonight. Thank you, Sophia.
Hm. In revisiting my last post (sometimes I revisit them periodically for the first day or two to keep checking in whether I want it public or not) I just noticed another change in how I interact with the internet — I no longer post things as members only if I realize I only want one or two people to be unable to see it. Expressing myself to a public audience when I think a stranger might actually benefit from what I have to say has become more important to me than protecting myself or someone else from looking like a dickhead. Huh. Wonder what that’s all about. Maybe neevita will eventually go public like phuqed was.
Sean made me wonder in his comment on “Of Hope and Romance” about The One. I had already been thinking about the shape of my relationships throughout my life, how I engage, fall, bond, and break away. How it feels, how I almost crave the journeys through my relationships knowing they will probably end, how I seem to get off on the first breakup and enjoy engaging in that intense test of a relationship. I must enjoy it — I’ve only made a clean break once, and I’ve been a part of quite a few failed romances.
Each and every one has been an artistic goldmine in some fashion, whether it be a slew of productivity or a giant leap in my understanding of myself as a lifeforce. The coping is almost a reward, a sickening, twisted, sinfully painful fucking amazing learning and growth experience that I get to express to people and release into the world and touch lives with.
Making my art feels the best when I’m screaming it into someone’s aching ear, and I think I make my best art over heartache.
I think my art may be The One. I am incapable of staying unattached and also incapable of attaching. I fear no mere mortal stands a chance at more than two years entwined with me, but I do wonder how my existence would be altered were I to view my muse as my primary relationship. Would I be embracing reality, or self fulfilling the prophecy that I will be searching and churning for sustainable, passionate love the rest of my days?
What the fuck kind of fucking weirdass life am I living here?
July 8, 2011, 10:55 am in updates I wonder how much of a difference I’d feel in my heath if I simply washed my produce, and chewed my food, more thoroughly.
July 7, 2011, 8:17 pm in public I wonder how often stalking works for women.
July 3, 2011, 11:24 pm in updates Hypothetically, how do you feel about being used for sex?
July 3, 2011, 5:18 pm in public Is it wrong that I get turned on by photographs of objectified, hot men? I kinda hope so :)
June 8, 2011, 9:55 am in updates In terms of what turns your crank upon visualization, what’s hotter in the sack – Struggling against physical restraint, or physically pressing into a psychological one?
May 25, 2011, 8:09 pm in updates
April 19, 2011, 2:14 pm in updates
February 8, 2011, 10:43 am in updates Is being convinced after attending a social event that you must have done or said something wrong somehow a type of social anxiety?
February 1, 2011, 12:56 pm in updates I wonder sometimes if growing up online contributed to a stunting of my social ability, or afforded me one. I kinda think if I didn’t have a ‘safe’ way to be alone and yet reach for people, I wouldn’t have learned to reach at all.
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