Neevita.net

My trapeze partner is a badass. She is a strong, capable, independent woman who many, many people respect, admire, and look up to. She rarely seems to seek the approval or support of others, and accomplishes remarkable things in her life that benefit a lot of people around her, including myself.

She and I both gravitate strongly toward leading, and do so naturally in social environments and, as far as I can tell, in our close relationships. We share a lot of traits, one of them being how challenging we find vulnerability to be. We handle those challenges differently, but the core is the same if not similar: Sometimes all we want is to be able to be fucking vulnerable, not have to be the one in charge, and so very often, feel as though we can’t.

I think most strong people, particularly strong and assertive women like Bev and I, and my friend Christina, Kirsten, and Adrienne, and many more that I am surely forgetting, struggle with this dichotomy.

It’s an educational and often inspiring experience for me to see how these women behave in the world and interact. To be able to see them objectively, from the outside, as well as enjoying the insider scoop from being a confidant to them. I’ve learned much about myself, and how I want to be in the world, from our friendships. I relate to their strengths when it’s difficult to accept my own, and my connections with these women are part of what is allowing me to share the following insights about myself (So thank you.):

With few exceptions, I believe (and am told) I am mostly seen, intentionally, as strong, independent, fearless, and downright intimidating. I like it, and want to, be seen that way, MOSTLY, at least at first. I am capable of and often embody all these things, and I am proud to be the resilient, exceptional person I have fought through the odds to become. There’s not a lot of damsel action going on here, and I very often know what I want, how I want it, and how to get it.

And sometimes, I don’t know. Sometimes, I’m not strong. Sometimes I’m taken off my guard, confused, beat down and struggling. Sometimes, all I want, all I really fucking need, is someone to fucking stand up for me. Not rescue me or save me or do it for me, but to show up, by my fucking side, take an opening, and STAND UP for ME. And I so very rarely seem to get that.

It stands to reason that, being the strong, capable, savvy woman I am, if I’m not getting something I want, it’s probably because I’m either looking in the wrong direction for it, or something prevents me from expressing that I want it. In this case, it’s been both.

I am fortunate to have a vast support network of awesome people who think well of me. I have an array of like-minded people to commiserate with and receive praise and encouragement from. I know that I have a lot of people out there who are truly on my side. And honestly, I can’t remember the last time I asked one of them, point blank, in words, in the moment, to stand up for me. I can ask for help, some more than others, but to be stood up for.. that’s been a different animal all together.

Part of it is internal conflict, the intense discomfort in being vulnerable, the feeling that by shifting my place from the anvil patch in this quilt of a universe that I’m letting everyone down somehow, and the mixed signals I put out when I feel that way.

And part of it is simply that I don’t want to have to ask. Sometimes, even, particularly in romantic and specifically deep connections, I go so far as to feel I shouldn’t have to ask.

Now, mind reading would be fucking creepy and violating, not to mention completely invalidating and disrespectful. I am THANKFUL my mind can’t be read, and that’s not what I’m looking for. And I don’t do well being coddled or kept, I’ve tried that and was completely resentful and miserable.

But there is more to relating with people than reacting to their words, and I do appreciate, on an extremely and increasingly profound level, when I experience people in my life who have a sense of this, a strong one to sniff past my dominant traits and recognize the undercurrents, and simply know when enough is enough and I need some fucking back-up or a tap-out. And I particularly, almost exclusively now that I think about it, crave that in my relationships with men — partially because holy shit, do women know how to stick together when the situation calls for it.

A perfect example of an execution of the sort of thing I’m talking about, is one of the best memories I have of my “evil” ex. Even though I think about as much of him as a human being as I think of a petri dish full of sludge, I light up when I tell this story, and I’m surprised it’s taken me this long to recognize how notable that is;

We were at the 5th Ave theater, at the intermission for a terrible ballet that I thought was a play when I purchased the tickets as present for my lover. Most everyone who was still in the theater was milling around or sitting at their seats talking. Most of the seats around us were empty.

I was punchy, trying to make the best of a ~$400 investment that frankly sucked, and spiritedly telling a story to my boyfriend. After a few minutes, a well-dressed older man perhaps in his late 60′s who was sitting a row ahead and a few seats down from us turned back to me, and in a condescending, scolding tone, said “Would you MIND watching your LANGUAGE.”

I was completely stunned and taken off guard. I’d been comfortable and free, telling my story, no people around me, having fun, being animated. I couldn’t even remember if I was actually cussing. And now suddenly, I’m being scolded and talked down to, and little me felt terrible, like I was in big trouble, like I’d done something really bad.

As much as I wanted to tell the guy to fuck off, to defend myself, to really nail him with some awesome, slick, scalpel smooth comeback, I stammered. I just sat there and stammered. And then I realized I was just sitting there stammering, looking like an asshole, giving this fucking jerk the satisfaction of being right.

And then I got mad at myself for letting him do that, I got embarrassed for being unable to stand up for myself effectively, and started to feel like total shit. All this internal dialogue zapped through my brain in only a few seconds, while I sat there stunned with my mouth open.

I was about to blurt out whatever primitive, unsatisfactory, childish response was at the tip of my brain, just so I didn’t sit silently and let some stranger talk down to me that way. It had been just long enough that something needed to be done.

A split second before I was about to let the hydrant spew, my boyfriend put his hand over mine as he leaned forward across me to address the man, who was still looking at me expectantly, and coldly told him “Excuse me. We’re having a conversation, here. You’re free not to listen.”

Hole. E. Shit. I couldn’t fucking believe it. I couldn’t remember another time in my life where someone had gracefully, forcefully, capably, respectfully, and so elegantly interjected into a social confrontation like that. No “Yeah, I know she’s a nutbag, sorry”. No “Why you gotta be that way, maaaan?”. No “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?!”. Just pure collected burn, right there with me, and total shutdown from that old man. It was breathtaking. It swept me clear off my feet.

Before that moment in my life, and a few notable times after it (some ironically revolving around the breakup with said boyfriend), my limited experience being stood up for largely involved a lot of discomfort and embarrassment for me. People generally, frankly, made things worse. It had always just seemed better to go it alone and I never thought I’d respond so positively to someone taking over like that.

Now, I am seeing that having access to that relief is more than just a nice-to-have. Being proactively advocated for is something I am officially inviting more of into my life. Cause sometimes, it just isn’t feasible, or I just don’t have the balls, to ask and direct people. And sometimes it’s just fucking NICE not to have to, god damnit!

I want this, not because I want to be lazy, or run away from my problems, or not face my internal conflict regarding being vulnerable around people and resolve it, (I think anyone who really knows me knows how unlikely that is.) but because I want help doing that.

And as a plus, it’s cool to know that were I being mauled by a bear or mugged or picking a fight with someone way too big for me that there’s a good chance my companion would do more than stand there slackjawed and watch. Not all of ‘em, I adore and love my passive squishy sensitive geeky friends, but, you know, some of them, and probably the ones I’m fucking for sure.

So there it is: I want help. There. It’s out. I said it. Fuck.

Now time to go out and fuckin’ TAKE THAT SHIT. Rawr.

*** My acquaintance, Alyssa, another badass woman, wrote a pretty great article about judgement, selection and priorities that pairs well with this post. You should read it.